Re: He says I give up on him easily, but I'M the one with ADD

[Anonymous]

I’ve been with my wife since we were teenagers, more than half of our lives. It hasn’t always been easy to say the least, but we have always been able to make it work. However, in recent years we have been drifting apart and she has become increasingly distant and angry with me because of my uncontrolled ADHD.

Much like you, I think I’ve been waiting for her to decide we’re done, but it never seems to come. She would be okay just leaving things the way they are, but for me we are missing key intimacy components, something I need to live. I am needy, I need someone to be as intensely into me as I am into them and I’m not sure that is possible for a non-ADDer to do.

Like you, I have been paralyzed with fear, leaving me unable to deal with our relationship issues, unable to tell her how I feel and what it will take for me to not be miserable. Lately, I’ve become so overwhelmed with depressed over our situation, I finally overcame the fear enough to talk to her about it. It has been incredibly slow and difficult to come out, but I’m finally getting there. We both realize in the end, we may no longer be together, but we will at least have resolution.

As you deal with your own situation remember a couple of things. It’s okay to be you. Meaning, if you feel needy, maybe you are, but that is okay. Being selfish is okay as well, as long is selfishness doesn’t define you in the relationship. The best advice I can give and the hardest by far to do is to tell you to START A DIALOGUE! You have to get talking, you have to get realistic and you have to lay it out on the table. This has been incredibly difficult for us because while she knows how ADD I really am, she doesn’t know how to deal with it even after all of these years. She isn’t a very open communicator either, so I have to be persistent and keep trying news ways to start and keep the conversations about our issues going. I have resorted to letters, texting and IM. Making the conversation distant through these types of communication has helped remove the intensity that I normally bring to it and that allows her to relax and open up without feeling like she is being interrogated. It also helps me relax and not treat it as an end-to-end project I need to drive through at 200mph!

That is my overly verbose take on your situation, if you managed to get through it all, congrats!

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