Dr. Umesh Jain
is now exclusively responsible
for TotallyADD.com
and its content
Dr. Umesh Jain is now exclusively responsible for TotallyADD.com and its content

The Forums Forums For The Non-ADD Relationships He says I give up on him easily, but I'M the one with ADD

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • Anonymous
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    #89471 |

    I love my bf very very much but when he doesnt stop complaining I find it easier for him and me to just break up. We’ve been together for more than3 yrs, we just found out about me ADD like 6 months ago and Ive been educating myself like craaaaaaaazzy! I can’t get him to pick up one darn book, I have to “summerize” every thing I learn to help him better understand me. I feel he should have the initiative to learn about it on his own IF he cared! Then when we encounter problems he complains “im trying to understand, trying to to learn how to talk to you.” Well just like Ive been tol my whole life “TRYING isnt good enough!” So then I become so frustrated and I remember that this is the story of my life. No one has ever “understood”! No one cares! I should stop wasting my time with people and just keep to myself like Ive always done. I can’t force him to care OR to understand. I can’t teach him to praise me. I feel like I put a great deal of effort to suit his needs. Why do I HAVE to undertand that he doesnt like to read or learn new things? Why do I HAVE to turn off the comp to let him watch stupid tv shows but he make a big deal when I forget to wash clothe? I really just feel like giving up even if it means never getting married. To think that I make his life difficult or that my traits cause us conflict, makes me just wanna set him free from this misery. I feel I would benefit more from us just being friends and I am willing to make that sacrifice. Am I going crazy? Am I too needy? I always seem to lose everyone or have to let them go to “save” them.

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    No! Lol, not at all. Honestly I would feel the exact same way if I were you. I would be getting really frusterated if my spouse, for example, was like that. If she really didnt seem all that willing to help me figure all this out or try and find a way to cope with it, I think I would get really mad. Maybe suggest to him that you guys could read it together, or something. If they were getting mad at me, for forgetting to wash their clothes, then I would honestly just tell them that if their going to get in a tiff, bc you forgot to wash their clothes then they can do it themselves. The thing is, is that couples go through fights and arguements and what not in their relationship. But if your honestly feeling miserable all the time then I wouldnt stay with that person, unless you can somehow talk or in someway communicate that this is whats really bugging you and and if you guys can solve it and make it work great, if he still wont listen or you dont see any improvement after a while, well..I would end it then.

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    oh lady, i feel you. it would seem to me that at least reading some wikipedia (hah) entries about the ADD would be a sign of interest.

    but not getting this looks like the partner does not give a damn.

    i am so very much in a similar situation, I cannot even respond to your post properly, it hurts to think of it. maybe later.

    nellie
    Member

    Well,I’m going to throw a curve into this folks…

    My husband thinks it’s BS although he sort of humors me about it. He has never read ( at least that he admits or I’ve seen) about ADD. At first I wanted to discuss with him etc. But then realized he’s just not ready or capable for various reasons. So I decided to get on with life and deal with it on my own and quite frankly so far this is working for me. However, I’ve always been very independent so this may not be a choice everyone is happy with. But what I’m trying to say is, just do what you have to do for yourself. Would you expect your spouse to have to read books on diabetes, thyroid problems or whatever too? I don’t think it means that the person doesn’t care. On the other hand, If you are treated with disrespect, belittled etc etc in general then IMHO it is a symptom of a bigger problem.

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    oh my goodness =) thank you for replying. Just the fact that I know SOMEONE “heard” me makes me feel alot better. I was very upset that day and I really needed to know I wasnt in this alone.

    As for my bf, things are not always bad and you are absolutely right, fights happen lol. I fear it might just be me. I have “issues” and low self esteem. I’m still trying to figure out what part of these arguement is me and what is ADD. Since that post, he asked me to be pattient with him. He said it has been like trying learn to speak a new launguage for him. “I’m tryng to figure it out,” he says. What’s strange is that he feels the need to explain ADD to his mother every chance he gets, but not in front of me. I think he does that so she won’t be as judgmental with me. I don’t know, he complains but defends me in a way. Also, the “housework arguements” started when I fired our help because the clothes and dishes started to pile up. Then again its difficult to hire help because I’m so wierd! I become anti-social and I don’t even want to greet person down stairs. I restrict myself to just my bd rm alllllllllll day. (good thing i have a bth rm if not I’d hold that in too) I can see how all this irritates him. He often says he “listens” to all 10,000 words I say a day lol, and supposedly that is why he doesnt feel the need to pick up a book about ADD. He claims that he learns from listening better than from reading. And I must admit, I often have to break-down sentences for him to understand so Im not too sure he would even absorb anything from a well written book. (I’m making him sound slow, but he’s not.English is not his first language) Am I pushing him too hard?

    Neway, I’m glad I have you all to listen and learn from. Ultimately, Im the Adder so im gonna worry about getting myself better, before trying to “fix” him too. ONe step at a time right? If I see no effort then you are right, it was a bigger problem and I will end it.

    @swampthing: Im sorry to hear that, Ill be a good listener when you are ready.

    munchkin
    Member

    If he likes TV, trick him into watching the ADD & Loving it movie… 😈

    nellie
    Member

    hey good idea munchkin, I might try that myself :-)

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I tried that lol but unfortunately it’s not being aired in my area. I searched for it but no luck. I do play the Webinars and all the funny videos, really loud on purpose. I play them while he is in the room because I figure, something’s gotta stick =)

    nellie
    Member

    what’s that old expression about “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink” :-)

    Geoduck
    Member

    That actually worked for me! We watched the film as it aired, and laughed at my condition through the whole thing. He got the difference between being just unorganized, and being ADD. Totally changed his outlook on the situation. He’s still worried about the meds, but he gets that ADD is not all bad, that it actually does exist, and that maybe the treatment I’m now undergoing is helping.

    You can buy the video, by the way, either from this website or on Amazon.

    I agree with Nellie. You just have to do what’s right for you. He’ll get on board, eventually. Even if to admit that some of the stuff you are doing in your treatment is making an improvement.

    Ease him into it. You are probably just focused on this because you are excited to be finally treating it. It’s just not all that interesting for him…yet. Are you sure you aren’t scaring him with all the negative stuff ? Focus on the positive parts of it. He’ll be more willing to listen at first, if you don’t lead with the bad stuff. Really there’s lots of good stuff about being ADD.

    You’re probably a very fun, creative, spontaneous individual. Focus on that. Be proud of your ADD. It’s a way of thinking that has led to a lot of great accomplishments in the world. It’s really about controlling it, so you can make the most of this different way of thinking, and less about curing a disease.

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Tatiana, I think it’s great that you’ve figured out so much on your own already. I think we all tend to doubt our conclusions because most of us grew-up feeling ‘not quite good enough’ and never understanding where that feeling was coming from. We end up looking for love with people who treat the way we are used to being treated.

    I have spent hours upon hours searching the net and reading anything I can find because my cat has a constant hair ball problem. I wrote that so you know that I love my cat more than your bf loves you. It hurts and it stinks, but his lack of interest is a form of rejection.

    Kick him to the curb.

    BTW, I believe that LOVE is a decision – not some goofy hopeful dreamy feeling. He may say he loves you but if he can’t be bothered with ADD, what’s going to happen if – God forbid — something horrid happens.

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Wow it took me a while to return and then right now I couldnt remember my password. (lol of course I couldnt!) Well I appreciate all your feedback everyone =0). I’m really taking it all in and I feel like a I learn from your opinions. Also, I’d like to share with you that fear paralyzes me. I catch myself too scared to let go or move on or even make changes because I dont trust my judgement. Im afraid to mess up……again or should i say …like always! I find that I treat him like a ticking time bomb almost. Like Im just waiting for HIM to give up on me or for HIM to make the first move, that way I won’t torture myself with guilt later. Am I selfish? Is this immaturity? Maybe I’m the monster and here I am looking for comfort…..ugh IM SOOO

    O CONFUSED!!!

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’ve been with my wife since we were teenagers, more than half of our lives. It hasn’t always been easy to say the least, but we have always been able to make it work. However, in recent years we have been drifting apart and she has become increasingly distant and angry with me because of my uncontrolled ADHD.

    Much like you, I think I’ve been waiting for her to decide we’re done, but it never seems to come. She would be okay just leaving things the way they are, but for me we are missing key intimacy components, something I need to live. I am needy, I need someone to be as intensely into me as I am into them and I’m not sure that is possible for a non-ADDer to do.

    Like you, I have been paralyzed with fear, leaving me unable to deal with our relationship issues, unable to tell her how I feel and what it will take for me to not be miserable. Lately, I’ve become so overwhelmed with depressed over our situation, I finally overcame the fear enough to talk to her about it. It has been incredibly slow and difficult to come out, but I’m finally getting there. We both realize in the end, we may no longer be together, but we will at least have resolution.

    As you deal with your own situation remember a couple of things. It’s okay to be you. Meaning, if you feel needy, maybe you are, but that is okay. Being selfish is okay as well, as long is selfishness doesn’t define you in the relationship. The best advice I can give and the hardest by far to do is to tell you to START A DIALOGUE! You have to get talking, you have to get realistic and you have to lay it out on the table. This has been incredibly difficult for us because while she knows how ADD I really am, she doesn’t know how to deal with it even after all of these years. She isn’t a very open communicator either, so I have to be persistent and keep trying news ways to start and keep the conversations about our issues going. I have resorted to letters, texting and IM. Making the conversation distant through these types of communication has helped remove the intensity that I normally bring to it and that allows her to relax and open up without feeling like she is being interrogated. It also helps me relax and not treat it as an end-to-end project I need to drive through at 200mph!

    That is my overly verbose take on your situation, if you managed to get through it all, congrats!

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I get so lost in our conversations. It is difficult for me to understand (comprehend my GF’s position. Then I go and interpret what she seems to be saying and I get reprimanded for “putting words in her mouth” I’ve been divorced for 1 1/2 years now and I have to wonder if I am good material for any one. I often feel as thought the only time I see my GF in emotional pain is when I have said some stupid thing. I am also constantly bring too much intensity to the conversation. If i don’t control my movements she interprets them as my being in an “agitated state.” Valume please for the protection of my GF’s emotional state. (if I were drugged then maybe i would not seem agitated to her)

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