oh, that really sucks. 
good thing your doctor is awesome then- i suppose i’m really lucky here that there seem to be enough crazies to warrant a lot of help for us. 
i think. hopefully things will improve there soon too. 
i know what you mean- it’s both a mindset thing and a life experience thing, the thoughts. i struggled for the longest time (and still do now, sometimes) with my bf being kind to me- my ‘what does he want? is this a trick? when is he gonna hurt me?’ suspicion radar kept going off, and i struggle with arguments- or the lack of them- i’d never seen a really healthy relationship in action, just one full of sarcasm, placating, enabling, pointless nitpicking and put-downs. i remember once in the middle of a heated discussion (no doubt about something frivilous) yelling at him “why won’t you just shout at me, and tell me that it’s all my fault and you hate me?!” and the look on his face as he said “because… i love you, it’s not, and i don’t want to hurt you?…”. it took me ages to work that one out.
nobody seemed remotely interested in me (beyond really dodgy alcoholic men in their 50’s in bars, who really weren’t that interested in my personality or my looks, i’m sure 
) either, until my canadian (i’m english) randomly came along when i was 23- i was seriously starting to panic! which looking back now is a bit silly, cos at 31 i feel no older than i did then, and i’m definately not over the hill. from talking to a few people, it turns out that i pretty much had a big red ‘danger! emotionally damaged! do not touch!’ sign written all over me- from every angle. apparently i was throwing off an incredibly intense vibe of depression, dysfunction, and desperation. and there’s me thinking i was covert with that stuff. i’m so glad there are a few awesome people around who can see our potential even more than we can, and love us despite our challenges- or even more because we battle them.
anyway yeah- good luck while you keep working at those pathways! and don’t forget to keep giving yourself a bunch of thumbs up from me as you do it.