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Re: Impulse control, how do you get a handle on it

Re: Impulse control, how do you get a handle on it2011-01-17T04:43:03+00:00

The Forums Forums Tools, Techniques & Treatments Impulse control, how do you get a handle on it Re: Impulse control, how do you get a handle on it


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Oh, and Squeeler, to answer your last question: I got involved with him because I was at another very low point in my life, in the middle of a nasty depression. At the time he told me he *used to* (past tense) have a problem with porn, but that he had seen how much it was ruining his life, and so checked into The Meadows for 90 days of “rehab” and had been faithfully attending SAA ever since. He was also going to AA, and hadn’t had a drink – or hit of meth – since some time in the late 80s, early 90s. Silly me, I thought addictions are addictions are addictions, and that if someone is so dismayed / disgusted by their behavior to have sought such extreme help (90 days in rehab!) plus daily attendance at SAA meetings, then he must be sincere about porn being part of his past. I didn’t realize the full depth of the truth until he moved in with me. . . from three states away. I was still under the misconception that a porn addiction was similar to his alcohol or meth addictions – ugly and painful, but not permanent.

I bought books, joined COSA and Al-Anon groups online, went to a therapist, all in an effort to understand, not condemn.

It is only recently that I have given up and realized that he will be a pervert until the day he dies. He doesn’t *want* to change. He just wants people to think he does. The only thing important to him is people’s impression of him, not what he truly thinks or feels about himself. I get that he probably does feel a tinge of shame – when he gets caught. And that’s what probably drives the requests for help. But enough time passes after being caught in a lie (and NOT just about porn; he lies about everything) and he no longer feels any psychic pain from it, and so no longer has a reason to even pretend to want to change. In the past, when I have reminded him that he asked for help, and that he is now repeating the same train-wreck pattern as before, he has torn into me – and I have responded. Now I stay in my room and let him wreck his own life. There’s no need to drag me into it. Just so long as he doesn’t alienate his entire customer base and can continue to bring home a handful of $100s a week, then I see no reason to expose myself to his constant duplicity, hypocrisy, and rage.

I wonder why you see it so differently?