Impulse control, how do you get a handle on it

[Anonymous]

Yeah I was pretty impulsive as a kid. It’s gotten better some but yeah its still something I have to keep a ahndle on. People have told me that I would all of a sudden do something weird for no apparent reason.

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[Anonymous]

True, impulsiveness is an issue at times slow deep breathes definately does help alot , but wow it still is a vulnerable part of my life.

K

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[Anonymous]

hey MelissaTex, I was wondering if you have ever thought about just accepting the guy for who he is along with his habits & not say anything when you notice him doing it? From your original post, it looks like you have a problem with him surfing porn & when you “catch him” you confront him & then have these arguments. Surfing porn may not be acceptable to you but it sounds like something he is into & you probably will not change that. If you truly are stuck with him & the arguments over it are driving you towards suicide, wouldn’t your life be much better if you just didn’t fight over it? I’m not one for porn myself but I do know that it is an extremely lucrative business with many people (millions?) who surf it, even priests apparently. I’m not saying you have to like it or that it is acceptable. I am suggesting that you just get over his porn addiction & leave him alone about it.

My experience shows that it takes two people to have a fight. STOP FIGHTING! You already seem to know that confronting him gets a fight going & in his eyes, you are the one who is instigating the fight. You are attacking him & making him feel bad about what he is doing. The lies, excuses & cover ups are his way of protecting himself from your attacks (from his perception). Find a way where he gets to do his porn & you or your mom are not exposed to it. Maybe a computer in a room where the monitor is hidden when you walk in & when you do go in there, don’t try to see what he is up to. Just let it be. Of course, your better alternative is to kick him out but you already eliminated it as an option.

Just like some ADHD’rs get a rush from driving too fast or climbing mountains, some get the rush from a good argument. It gets your heart pumping & the adrenaline going just like other activities & provides the brain with the satisfaction that it’s looking for. It can even give you a buzz that lasts for days as you think about it again & again. It’s an easy buzz too & the brain knows it. That’s why it creates or seeks out the type of situation that gets a good argument going. I suggest finding other ways to satisfy your brain. Maybe exercise & meditation might be a good place to start along with positive affirmations.

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[Saffron]

Affirm this, babe: she’s actually not the one with ADD or the one going ballistic. Buddy was first in rehab for destroying his relationships and employment with his addiction well before they met. She’s already avoiding him and “letting him be” most of the time.

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[Anonymous]

Whoa there Saffron, I never said she had ADD or was going ballistic.

MelissaTex said “and can get into a good, knock-down, drag-out, fight about it?” I have never seen a fight like this where there was only one person doing the fighting, it takes 2.

She also said “When you catch him doing something that isn’t just “mindless” or “thoughtless”, but outright predetermined, complete with lies to cover up. . . and he gets rip-roaring, soul-bashing, angry at YOU for having a negative emotional reaction to the perversion, betrayal, and lies?” If you have to catch someone doing something usually you are looking for it. She said that she has the negative reaction & then he fights back. If a dog bites you every time that you try take his bone away, why would you continue to try take the bone?

I did notice that she said she was avoiding him but never said she was “letting him be”. Those are 2 totally different things. The avoiding would be seen from his perspective as punishment. This will just make the next fight even worse & since she is sticking with the guy, it will make the relationship much worse than it already is. There is clearly no winner in this fight so give it up. You cannot stop his porn addiction. Things will continue to get worse until she “lets it go”.

As you pointed out, he had these problems before they got together. Why would someone who has such a low opinion of people who look at porn get into a relationship with a porn addict?

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[MelissaTex]

Hi Squeeler. I “catch” him because he has asked that I monitor him. He swears that he wants to break his addiction and has asked me to, at various times, install CyberSitter, install monitoring programs, set the parental locks on the cable box and TV, help him find books about both breaking a porn addiction and about emotional growth in general, and begged me not give up on him. When he continues to find ways to look at porn despite (in spite?) of all this, I have said, “Look, you obviously need porn in your life, why won’t you just be honest about it? I won’t ever approve of porn, but I can have more respect for an adult who is honest about who they are than one who lies to everyone – including himself – constantly.” He gets *very* angry at that suggestion. His position remains that the porn addiction is a burden, one that he wants to get rid of. No, his behavior doesn’t bear him out on that belief. But it’s his one and only take on his addiction.

Accepting him for who he is: A compulsive liar, emotionally immature, combative, and a pervert, is exactly what I’m doing by moving into the spare bedroom and staying in there whenever he is home. Since I’m not in the position to boot him out right now, the best I can do is ignore him. Yes, he absolutely sees it as a punishment, no matter how many times I have explained that I am just protecting myself. He sees everything I do, just shy of grabbing pom-poms and performing a personalized cheer for him, as punishment, as an attack.

Oh, and it’s not just me confronting him about porn that gets him riled up. It’s anything I say or do that isn’t 100% loving praise of him. For example, he started bringing fishing gear out of the back room a few weeks ago on a Thursday night and leaned it against the wall by the couch. I asked, “Are you going fishing tomorrow?” And he said, “Yeah,” and then demanded, “Why?!? Is there something *wrong* with that?!?” I didn’t bite. He also, just last week, put a turkey in water in the disposer side of the sink to defrost, leaving the disposer unusable. I asked him why and he said it was because there were dishes in the other side of the sink. . . dishes that were not HIS. I asked why he didn’t just move the dishes. He yelled back, “I SHOULDN’T *HAVE* TO!” So I asked why he didn’t just holler for the owner of the dishes (only two possiblities, me or my mom) to come move them so he could use that side of the sink. He yelled back, even louder, “I SHOULDN’T *HAVE* TO!” And then went on a tear about how we’re all three adults who ought to be able to clean up after ourselves, no excuses or exceptions. Uh huh. And at that exact moment my mom was taking his laundry out of the dryer – which had been there for two days – and putting it on the couch so she could use the dryer. I pointed out the hypocrisy of what he was saying (yelling) and noted the laundry. It just made him even more angry, so he backed into one of his favorite tactics – dredging up anything I’ve ever done that was a mistake and telling me I shouldn’t dare be saying anything about his hypocrisy if I won’t even acknowledge my own. (Never mind that with every one of my mistakes, I acknowledge them, remedy them to the best of my ability, and do some serious journal work if it happens to be a mistake I am repeating.) And the examples of his “we’re all adults” hypocrisy have piled on top of themselves dangerously since that day. The crap he spills and doesn’t wipe up, the dirty dishes and pans he leaves for someone else to clean, yet another load of laundry left (in the washer this time), running the checking account into negative numbers, cooled bacon grease flung all over the inside lid of the trash can in great big globs – and all over my water glass on the counter above the trash can. . . crimeney, the list is *literally* endless. Because you know what, he’s human AND he has ADD (in addition to a monster-load of other mental/emotional issues). I’ve got no problem whatsoever forgiving people for their honest mistakes. Because I have to forgive myself for them, too. And not only do I forgive, but I will remedy whatever little thing has happened because someone was forgetful or messy. I don’t mind putting someone else’s dishes in the dishwasher, or wiping up after them, or moving their laundry, or transferring funds in the checking count to cover a negative balance – as long as the other person is kind and understanding enough to return the favor when I make a mistake, and not blow a gasket whenever another human being has been, well, *human*.

He quite literally lives in a world where anyone who doesn’t adore him and demonstrate that adoration 24/7 is an enemy who is attacking him. He doesn’t read at all, or do anything new, so his inner knowledge base is fairly limited. When he has attempted new ventures (like losing weight by changing his eating habits, or attending a fly fishing group for the first time ever) he has asked for my help. Yet when I give him any suggestions, he immediately explodes. I was reading an article about cutting out all grains from the diet and said, “Hey, you might want to read this, too, because it says grains are more easily converted to sugar and fat, plus that they can cause inflammation, and isn’t your shoulder hurting you for no reason?” I swear, he heard that as an attack. His face went red and he said in a very low, cold voice, “I don’t know what you’re trying to do, But. I. Don’t. Like. It.”

“Why Is It Always About You?”, a book on narcissism, describes him to a “t”. For example:

“… behind the the mask of arrogance is a fragile internal balloon of self-esteem that is never satisfied with being good or even very good — if they are not better than, then they are worthless. Value is always relative, never absolute… Conversely, if they are feeling deflated, they can reinflate themselves by diminishing, debasing, or degrading someone else.”

And “… it is the nature of narcissistic entitlement to see the situation from only one very subjective point of view that says, ‘My feelings and needs are all that matter, and whatever I want, I should get.’ Mutuality and reciprocity are entirely alien concepts, because others exist only to agree, obey, flatter, and comfort — in short, to anticipate and meet his every need: ‘If you cannot make yourself useful in meeting my need, you are of no value and will be treated accordingly, and if you defy my will, prepare to feel my wrath’ Hell hath no fury like the Narcissist denied… Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger rage and self-righteous aggression… Narcissistic entitlement has nothing to do with genuine self-esteem, which comes from real accomplishment and being true to one’s ideals. Individuals who feel entitled to respect without giving it in return, or who expect rewards without effort, or a life free of discomfort, are forfeiting any power they might have to shape their own destiny.”

And: “The ability to empathize, to grasp accurately how another person feels and to feel compassion in response, requires us to step outside ourselves momentarily to tune into someone else. We turn down the noise of our own preoccupations and open ourselves to what the other person is expressing. We may or may not share the feeling being expressed, but we accept them without judgment or distortion. Even when we identify with another person’s feelings, we remain separate. … Without empathy, people have difficulty controlling aggressive impulses. … Driven by shame and prone to rage and aggression, the Narcissist never develops the capacity to identify with or even to recognize the feelings and needs of others. This is a person who, in terms of emotional development, got stuck around the age of one or two. Others are not seen as separate entities but rather as extensions of Self, there to do the Narcissist’s bidding. This, along with an underdeveloped conscience, tends to make them interpersonally exploitative… Exploitation can take many forms but always involves the using of others without regard for their feelings or interests.”

So, how much of this am I supposed to “let go” in a manner that is more productive than ignoring him? What secrets do you have for me to keep me sane when everything I say – short of glowing praise – is seen as an attack that must be vigorously defended against? And by vigorous defense I mean, “Rip Melissa to shreds, chasing her down into another room, if need be.” What productive suggestions can you give me for living with someone who says, “Porn is ruining my life, and I hate myself for it, please help me figure out why I do it and how to stop,” and then comes out with [metaphorical] fists swinging when I try to do *anything* he says? When other people I know say they would prefer that I interact with them a certain way, or only on certain subjects, or – hell – only in a pirate’s accent, I can take them at their word and make any adjustments I need to in order to maintain a relationship (of whatever degree) with them. Not with my boyfriend. A directive from him at 10:00am is a malicious attack when performed by me at noon. Reminding him that I’m only obeying his request just gets him angrier.

So, Squeeler, you tell me: Just how the hell do I deal with THAT and “let it go”???

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[MelissaTex]

Oh, and Squeeler, to answer your last question: I got involved with him because I was at another very low point in my life, in the middle of a nasty depression. At the time he told me he *used to* (past tense) have a problem with porn, but that he had seen how much it was ruining his life, and so checked into The Meadows for 90 days of “rehab” and had been faithfully attending SAA ever since. He was also going to AA, and hadn’t had a drink – or hit of meth – since some time in the late 80s, early 90s. Silly me, I thought addictions are addictions are addictions, and that if someone is so dismayed / disgusted by their behavior to have sought such extreme help (90 days in rehab!) plus daily attendance at SAA meetings, then he must be sincere about porn being part of his past. I didn’t realize the full depth of the truth until he moved in with me. . . from three states away. I was still under the misconception that a porn addiction was similar to his alcohol or meth addictions – ugly and painful, but not permanent.

I bought books, joined COSA and Al-Anon groups online, went to a therapist, all in an effort to understand, not condemn.

It is only recently that I have given up and realized that he will be a pervert until the day he dies. He doesn’t *want* to change. He just wants people to think he does. The only thing important to him is people’s impression of him, not what he truly thinks or feels about himself. I get that he probably does feel a tinge of shame – when he gets caught. And that’s what probably drives the requests for help. But enough time passes after being caught in a lie (and NOT just about porn; he lies about everything) and he no longer feels any psychic pain from it, and so no longer has a reason to even pretend to want to change. In the past, when I have reminded him that he asked for help, and that he is now repeating the same train-wreck pattern as before, he has torn into me – and I have responded. Now I stay in my room and let him wreck his own life. There’s no need to drag me into it. Just so long as he doesn’t alienate his entire customer base and can continue to bring home a handful of $100s a week, then I see no reason to expose myself to his constant duplicity, hypocrisy, and rage.

I wonder why you see it so differently?

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[Anonymous]

um… just to be difficult- i was under the impression that all addictions are kinda permanent in that way- you’re just sober, or ‘using’…your brain doesn’t forget the thrill/high/desire as far as i’m aware. :S

and:

sorry if your support thread has got totally derailed, B. do admins split threads on this site? if so, maybe you could ask them to- cos both your and melissas needs are definately valid, but the support required is kinda …different….?

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[MelissaTex]

Squeeler – I shared this thread with my one girlfriend. I found her response to be, ah, enlightning:

> “If a dog bites you every time that you try take his bone away, why would you continue to try take the bone?”<

“That’s the kind of [bleep] that a person who physically abuses someone would say. “You know that it makes me so angry that I can’t control myself when you do that!!! Why do you make me do this!!” Squeeler is putting all of the blame on you, just like an abuser puts all of the blame on their significant other.

“Tell Squeeler there’s another chick from Texas that’ll take his freakin bone and then happily beat the [bleep] out of him with it. “

And while she expressed it rather, um, “colorfully”, her position is true. Because, in reality, if I had a dog that bit me every time I tried to take its bone away, I would call in Cesar Milan to rehabilitate the dog so that it quit biting anyone anywhere for whatever reason. And if that didn’t work – the best help from the top expert – I’d put the damn dog down.

Alas, that’s not an option in my situation. Sending the dog to a shelter or dumping it on a country road also isn’t an option. My best current option is to limit my exposure to the dangerous, hair-trigger, biting dog. Dangerous dogs do not get to sleep at the foot of the bed and have the run of the house. They are kept in a kennel or on a short leash. Also not options in my case, so I am confining myself to the kennel, for safety’s sake. When the dog will fetch you its bone, wag its butt like a happy puppy, drop the bone at your feet, and sit waiting for you to pick it up and throw it for him – and then tears your arm off when you reach for the bone. . . well, it quits being about the goodness or rightness of the bone. Yes, the dog can have it’s frickin’ bone. Who cares? But does it have to keep bringing it to me and then shredding me when I try to interact with it and / or the dog? That, my friend, is insanity.

At no point do I think that “letting it go” and forgiving the psycho dog for biting me – repeatedly, with no warning – is the answer.

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[MelissaTex]

jeneticallymodified – From the dozens of books I’ve read on the subject, the addiction is only permanent in that the learned pathway the addict created in his brain will [almost] always be there. But the brain is very “plastic”, and when one pathway quits being used, the neuronal connections shrink and the neurons create other pathways. The brain is very “use it or lose it” when it comes to its real estate. Just how when a sighted person becomes blind, their other senses pick up the slack, so to speak. Experiments have been done with blind-folded volunteers where the amount of space in their brain devoted to “seeing” actually shrinks during the hours and days the person is without sight. Other functional parts of the brain move in and occupy the space. I highly recommend the book, “The Brain That Changes Itself” as a Neuroplasticity 101 primer. It’s highly readable, written for a non-scientific audience.

So when I said I had assumed a porn addiction was like alcohol or meth addictions – ugly and painful, but not permanent – I meant the behavior. “Acting out” is not required for survival. Learning new ways to deal with difficult emotions and stress – reparenting oneself – is the starting point for editing a particular behavior out of your life. Learning new behaviors and overwhelming the brain with thousands (millions?) of new neural connections will go even further in shutting down the comfortable “reliable” old pathways. But, yes, just like how you never forget how to ride a bike, the neural pathway for “quick hit of outrageously wonderful feelings from a destructive behavior” will never go away 100%. It can be reactivated, if the person chooses. But the more reparenting and new behavioral learning one does, the harder it is to reactivate.

It’s one reason I disagree hugely with the 12 Step beliefs. It’s not a disease, and no one is helpless against it (whatever “It” is). It’s a learned coping skill. One than can be “unlearned” and replaced with beneficial behaviors and emotional maturity. It ain’t easy, but it’s more than doable. I also think that going back to 12 Step meetings day after day wherein “It” is discussed and rehashed, and is the sole reason there’s a roomful of people, is a great way to keep reminding the brain about this quick fix with the awesome high. Aside from the downright “bad science” that is spread by the 12 Step movement, this constant talk of one’s “It” serves only to keep the person rooted in place, focusing on “It” for the rest of their lives. (But, that should be reserved for other topics or other boards. Just wanted to point out where the belief that no one is ever “recovered” but is only ever “in recovery” comes from.)

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[Anonymous]

I responded to the post because I have a lot of experience with the self absorbed (narcissistic) & have battled with them for many years. No matter what you do, you cannot win against these people. They suck the life energy out of you, leave you confused & frustrated, even suicidal. I have been there & I survived. At one time, I wrongly thought that I could fix them, get them to see the light & end the constant battle but I learned that it can’t be done. You can’t fix these people & attempting to do so will only drag you further into hell. The only way that I could end the battle fully was to fully dis-engage & not participate in the battle. I had to quit fighting. Ya, I was fighting back, protecting myself but at the same time, trying to get them to see my side. Regardless of the reason why I was fighting, I was still fighting. I had to choose not to fight. It takes a lot of inner strength to say your right, I’m sorry & just walk away (especially when you don’t mean it).

I also learned that I had to build my inner strength. I had to accept responsibility for my own thoughts running around inside my head. Sure, people can say stuff to you but you get to decide what is real & what isn’t. Whatever you think you are, you are. If you start telling yourself that you are a good person, after a while, you will start believing it & the more you say it, the quicker it comes. Once you get strong enough, the words from the other person start to lose their meaning & you no longer beat yourself up over what they said. Their words become blah blah blah.

The fights that developed were always 2 sided & when I chose to not fight, they did not develop into fights. I took a couple shots & it was over quick. In my first post I said it was 2 sided & I never assessed the blame to either one of you. I did say that from “his perception” you were instigating or “attacking him” but that is only from his view only. Sure, he asked you to monitor him but he was setting you up so that you actually get to start the fight for him. I did not place the blame on you but did acknowledge your part in it.

As for the dog, he could be the sweetest kindest dog until he gets his bone & just want to protect that bone. Why not just leave the dog alone with his bone? Oh wait I brought up the dog again so now I’m an abusive guy. Actually quite the opposite. I try to live in peace with those around me & have been quite successful with that. I have been happily married for nearly 20 years with NO domestic violence. I also have 2 teenagers that I get along with pretty well. Yes, there are things I could fight with them over but I choose to let it go, to let them be. My boys are turning out (so far) to be much better young men than I ever was without imposing strict rule over them. They have decided to be good kids, I didn’t force them to be. Yes, I can fight & I can be pretty nasty when I want or have to be but for the most part, I avoid fighting, sniping & nagging.

As for your man, I do not support him in any way & I’m not on his side. I could hurl a few insults about him if that makes you feel better but that won’t do anything except maybe provide some ammo for you. I don’t see how that would solve your problem though. from what I was reading, you need help to get your head right. Getting your inner strength, learning about yourself is your absolute best protection from this guy (best cause you choose to stay). I say this because it is what worked for me & helped me keep my sanity. Once you get your head straight, it reduces their power. It’s just advise & you can choose to do whatever you want with it.

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[Anonymous]

I have struggled with being impulsive. There are a few things that have helped. I have been trying to eat a balanced diet. I have a high protein breakfast: 2 eggs and 2 pieces of turkey bacon. This has helped. I also try to plan ahead in order to get in front of the impulsivity. Routines have help so much as well.

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[Author]

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