Re: Loneliness

[Anonymous]

Thanks for listening Roachella.

First off….suicide is not my cup of tea…so that is well and good. I find that to be the ultimate in selfishness and I am the opposite…selfless.

This loneliness started after my car’s engine blew up on Christmas Eve last year. I am a fiercely independent woman and my car was my freedom-mobile. I have been forced to take the bus everywhere and rely on my loving other half to drive me everywhere and I hate not being able to just GO when I want to go. I feel grounded…but not in the good sense. I feel like I’ve lost my independence and I feel like I’ve lost a part of me that ROCKED. I’m a DRIVER…not a passenger….if you know what I mean.

I used to be able to get out of the house and go DO things. I loved running errands, taking the recycling to the depot, going to the mall, hunting for treasures at second hand stores and just driving with the windows open listening to my favorite tunes.

Now I can’t do any of that and it sucks. To me not having wheels is like being in prison. I’m locked down and because of that I don’t go ANYWHERE.

Loosing my car was like loosing a close friend. A part of me died when it died. Intellectually I can see how ridiculous that is…but in my heart and soul…it left a scab that isn’t healing.

My ADHD has gotten worse since loosing my car.

I have clutter everywhere because I can’t PURGE it from my house and my life.

I can’t get rid of things without my car.

I didn’t get my darling man anything for his birthday because I don’t have a car to go shopping.

I neglect my health because I live an hour away from my GP.

I neglect my health because I can’t get to my foot specialist without having to sit on a bus for almost an hour for a trip that should only be 15 minutes.

I used to go out to be with people…I used to go to the mall just to talk to people. That is so SAD.

I am in the throws of a nasty divorce right now and that has done some damage to my heart and soul too.

Between loosing my car (read independence) and the divorce….life is out of my control.

** I HATE NOT BEING IN CONTROL **

** I HATE NOT HAVING THE ABILITY TO JUST GO WHEN I WANT TO **

** I HATE RELYING ON OTHERS TO GET ME FROM POINT A TO POINT B **

** I HATE FEELING SO ISOLATED **

I’ve had a lot of what I thought were best gal pals while growing up…but they all seemed to just drift off and out of my life. I am FRUSTRATED by this. I want to be a lifetime friend…not a reason or a season friend.

I know that I am an awesome person and that I have a lot to share…I can tell myself that until I’m blue in the face…but that doesn’t change the fact that I have nobody on my speed dial that is a gal pal. My partner is my best friend and I spend ALL of my time with him when I’m not at work. I want MORE out of life than my partner and the cat ( not that I don’t love them to bits).

** I NEED A LIFE OF MY OWN **

I’m scared that people will see that I hide my shyness by being bold, bigger than life and a chatty cathy. I’m scared to reach out for fear of REJECTION ( I’ve had way more than my share).

I am kind, genuine, warm, faithful, witty, charming, intelligent, artsy, compassionate, soulful, and I care about the world. I don’t see why people are scared off by me. If they took TIME to get to know me they would have a wonderful person to call friend.

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