Loneliness

[Anonymous]

How do you deal with the loneliness?

I feel lonely most of the time and barely go out.

I have no close girlfriends that I can call and say, “Wanna go hang out?”.

I use Facebook to reach out more than ever.

I feel like I’m broken and defective and that’s why people don’t want to get closer to me.

I spend hour upon hour by myself and am starting to lose it.

I see groups of women hanging out and having fun and get very envious to the point of “hating” them.

I find myself crying a lot over this and can’t seem to stop this dread that comes with the loneliness.

Any advice?

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[Anonymous]

Hey lady, now I can relate. I have endured loads of loneliness. I had social anxiety really bad for about 10 years. I don’t know your situation, or why you feel so lonely- and I can only speak from my experience. I can totally relate to feeling defective. There is a book I read (a bit of…ha ha…ADD rocks!) that is called “Compassion and Self Hate”. It really helped me get over some things. I can relate to feeling isolated, and worrying that you’re going to lose it. Being alone has always been hard for me- my family split up when I was very young- and it had an effect on me.

First of all, I want to say to you- that you are not defective, and to also understand that what you see on the surface of other people’s lives may not be as cheery as you imagine it. I used to go there in my head all the time, and it just made me feel crappy. Oh hell I wished my life was like Sex in the City…if you ever watched that.

One thing I can tell you, is to build your own life. You are here for a reason. I recommend spending time getting to know who you really are, and exploring what you enjoy in life. Since you don’t go out much, maybe that’s where you could start? What are your interests? Sometimes, following an interest can lead you to like minded people. Another good question to ask yourself about people is, not whether someone likes you- but “Do I like this person??” Know what I mean? Other people do not hold the key to your worth. You do!!

Start being kind to yourself. Even when you feel alone, you truly aren’t- I don’t even know you but I care about what happens to you- as I’m sure the other people on this forum do too.

If being online, gives you a bit of something- that’s cool- because it can save your sanity- personally facebook made me feel more alone because I am a hands on person…but when I was socially isolated I was involved in an online community that fulfilled some of that need, and saved my sanity.

I don’t know anything about your life- but do you have family or a close friend, maybe even an acquaintance you can reach out to? I think you might find, that most people are caring and kind- and could and would understand.

To me it sounds like maybe you’ve got some depression going on? Do you feel that way? I want to encourage you to seek help before you are feel you are at the end of your rope. You never know what life has in store for you around the corner, this state is temporary, we are always changing- life is full of ups and downs and different states of being. ( I felt disconnected and that I wasn’t a part of anything at 18, and I am a mother now- didn’t see that one coming!)

I just want to encourage you to stop beating yourself up, to look at the good in yourself, and to be kind to yourself and to know that you have value just as much as anyone you see. Take care of you, you will find good people someday. Don’t be afraid to ask for professional help if you need it. Excuse me for being blunt, but especially if you ever have thoughts of suicide…just saying.

That’s my advice, feel free to vent! I’m curious- how does ADD effect you? Does it create these issues for you?

Keep us posted K? – roachella.

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[Anonymous]

Thanks for listening Roachella.

First off….suicide is not my cup of tea…so that is well and good. I find that to be the ultimate in selfishness and I am the opposite…selfless.

This loneliness started after my car’s engine blew up on Christmas Eve last year. I am a fiercely independent woman and my car was my freedom-mobile. I have been forced to take the bus everywhere and rely on my loving other half to drive me everywhere and I hate not being able to just GO when I want to go. I feel grounded…but not in the good sense. I feel like I’ve lost my independence and I feel like I’ve lost a part of me that ROCKED. I’m a DRIVER…not a passenger….if you know what I mean.

I used to be able to get out of the house and go DO things. I loved running errands, taking the recycling to the depot, going to the mall, hunting for treasures at second hand stores and just driving with the windows open listening to my favorite tunes.

Now I can’t do any of that and it sucks. To me not having wheels is like being in prison. I’m locked down and because of that I don’t go ANYWHERE.

Loosing my car was like loosing a close friend. A part of me died when it died. Intellectually I can see how ridiculous that is…but in my heart and soul…it left a scab that isn’t healing.

My ADHD has gotten worse since loosing my car.

I have clutter everywhere because I can’t PURGE it from my house and my life.

I can’t get rid of things without my car.

I didn’t get my darling man anything for his birthday because I don’t have a car to go shopping.

I neglect my health because I live an hour away from my GP.

I neglect my health because I can’t get to my foot specialist without having to sit on a bus for almost an hour for a trip that should only be 15 minutes.

I used to go out to be with people…I used to go to the mall just to talk to people. That is so SAD.

I am in the throws of a nasty divorce right now and that has done some damage to my heart and soul too.

Between loosing my car (read independence) and the divorce….life is out of my control.

** I HATE NOT BEING IN CONTROL **

** I HATE NOT HAVING THE ABILITY TO JUST GO WHEN I WANT TO **

** I HATE RELYING ON OTHERS TO GET ME FROM POINT A TO POINT B **

** I HATE FEELING SO ISOLATED **

I’ve had a lot of what I thought were best gal pals while growing up…but they all seemed to just drift off and out of my life. I am FRUSTRATED by this. I want to be a lifetime friend…not a reason or a season friend.

I know that I am an awesome person and that I have a lot to share…I can tell myself that until I’m blue in the face…but that doesn’t change the fact that I have nobody on my speed dial that is a gal pal. My partner is my best friend and I spend ALL of my time with him when I’m not at work. I want MORE out of life than my partner and the cat ( not that I don’t love them to bits).

** I NEED A LIFE OF MY OWN **

I’m scared that people will see that I hide my shyness by being bold, bigger than life and a chatty cathy. I’m scared to reach out for fear of REJECTION ( I’ve had way more than my share).

I am kind, genuine, warm, faithful, witty, charming, intelligent, artsy, compassionate, soulful, and I care about the world. I don’t see why people are scared off by me. If they took TIME to get to know me they would have a wonderful person to call friend.

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[Anonymous]

recently my bf broke things off saying things weren’t going to change. Elaborating that all the things relating to my recently diagnosed he now can’t deal with. I buried my brother less than a week ago and just started college. I don’t know how much I can take I feel like I will always be alone since this stupid thing has held me back and who i am will never change.

To end this and put into context:

1- I got my health income removed

2- failed the appeal

3- told i have congenital condition left too long to treat.

4-told that will need to have total hip replacement

5- i lost transport access

6- I fail course of study losing uni offer

7- diagnosed with adhd

8- big brother dies buried 8 days ago

9- bf and i split yesterday

10- currently at the begining of Cancer scare. today

I think is enough any normal person for me I have to balance everything but realize I can’t do alone but now i am back to square one.

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[Anonymous]

DaynaB: I know that social disconnection all to well. One of the things I find is that I don’t feel time like most do. What to me feels like a couple years is actually 10 or more. It takes time and some social focus if you will to have friendships and a social life.

One of the big problems today too is this damn Internet lol. We can sit down, get or little social fix in lke 10 minutes and go on our merry little way. Work is pretty much the only real socializing I get.

My advice? Loose the internet for a bit. find something out there to do… depending on what your interests are there are sure to be others around that share them. Seek out their clubs and meetings. call (don’t email!) for information on said meetings or clubs. Chances are the phone call itself will put you in touch with at least 1 person that shares your excitement about what you like.

“there is a loneliness in this world so great

that you can see it in the slow movement of

the hands of a clock.

people so tired

mutilated

either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other

one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich

the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us

that we can all be

big-ass winners.

it hasn’t told us

about the gutters

or the suicides.

or the terror of one person

aching in one place

alone

untouched

unspoken to

watering a plant.”

— Charles Bukowski (Love Is a Dog from Hell: Poems, 1974-1977)

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[Anonymous]

@BlackADDer: I’m sorry to hear about your loss and the hard times. You said something that struck me like an out of tune chord…

“I don’t know how much I can take I feel like I will always be alone since this stupid thing has held me back and who i am will never change.”

Now. I’m going to be blunt. I’m not very good at the delivery but know I mean well.

You are going to take as much more as you need to. You don’t get to choose how much comes your way BUT you do get to choose what you do with it. And this talk of the stupid thing that has held you back… you know it now. Learn about it and be set free of it.

Oh and never changing. BlackADDer dear….you will be the one holding your own self back if you decide you’ll fail even before you begin. So don’t do it! You will change.

I’ve said it before on here and I’ll say it here too. You’ll spend far too much energy looking back and wishing you can fix it then you will looking forward and actually doing it. (and in no way do I mean don’t greive your Brother or the past that could have been. You need to do that)

I have stood at the precipice, screaming out in pain and desperation at the beast in the darkness only to hear the screams echoed back to me…standing there drained and weak I realized I was the beast…lost and scared. I see the light. Do I wander aimlessly in the dark or do I Choose to walk in the light? -ShaneG

Choose what happens. Come out of the darkness and do what needs to be done. Find a professional. Talk with them. Decide on a course of action to get better!

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[Patte Rosebank]

@BlackADDer, (hugs—lots & lots of them).

I truly understand why you feel so overwhelmed and broken. You have had so many bad things happen to you at once, that all you can see around you is darkness and pain. Please take some comfort in knowing that what you’re feeling is completely normal, considering all that’s happened to you. In fact, if you didn’t feel that way, I’d be even more worried for you than I already am.

There’s a list of the things that cause the greatest stress, anxiety, and depression in a person’s life In a matter of days, you’ve been hit with all of the Top 5, some of them multiple times. Getting hit with even one of them is something that many people need professional help to get through. You can do so many things on your own, but not all at once. You are NOT helpless. You just need more help than you can give yourself right now.

Please, get that help NOW. This is an emergency, CRISIS situation.

Tell your family how you are feeling. Please don’t think that you have to bear all this alone, because you don’t want to add to their burden of mourning your brother. The possibility of losing you too, without having a chance to help you, would hurt them far more. They may even be feeling the same way as you’re feeling right now.

Since this is a crisis, you need to get IMMEDIATE help.

___________________________________

Here’s what to do NOW:

If you are having overwhelming thoughts of suicide, call 911 immediately.

If you are in the Toronto area, call Distress Centres, at (416) 408-4357. Their phones are staffed by professional counsellors. Other areas may have their own Distress Centres. Check the Emergency numbers in the front of your phone book.

Go to the Emergency department of any hospital with a Psychiatric department.

If you are in the Toronto area, you can go to the CAMH Emergency department, at 250 College St. (just east of Spadina), for an immediate assessment, counselling, and treatment.

Here’s the link to CAMH’s Crisis information page: http://www.camh.net/Care_Treatment/Resources_clients_families_friends/Challenges_and_Choices/challenges_choices_inemergcrisis.html

You should also read this page about your legal rights in a mental health crisis: http://www.camh.net/Care_Treatment/Resources_clients_families_friends/Challenges_and_Choices/challenges_choices_rights.html

Those are the most important things you must do NOW. AFTER you’ve done them, then you can deal with the other things.

___________________________________

How to deal with the loss of health income:

Did you have legal advice when you made your appeal? Often, it really helps to have a lawyer on your side. Contact Legal Aid for free advice. Ask to speak with a lawyer who specializes in disabilities and/or government matters.

The one “silver lining” to the hip replacement and cancer scare, is that these might be grounds to re-instate your health income, and perhaps your access to transportation. Discuss this with the government office responsible, and with the Legal Aid lawyer.

You could also contact your province’s Ombudsman (assuming you’re in Canada). If the Ombudsman feels that you have been unfairly treated, he/she will intervene on your behalf. He/she may even order your health income immediately re-instated.

___________________________________

How to deal with the school situation:

Contact Student Services and make an appointment to discuss your situation. It is not “giving up” to say, “I can’t do this right now. I need some time to recover.” At this time, it would be unreasonable to expect you to keep up with coursework, or even to absorb a lecture.

Bring medical documentation to support your reasons for needing special consideration. Student Services can, and will, help you. This may mean meetings & study time with your profs or TAs, to catch up on what you’ve missed, or it could mean postponing your studies for a semester or even a year.

Again, this doesn’t mean you’re helpless. It just means you need more help than you can give yourself right now. The key words are “right now”. In time, things will get better.

____________________________________

Above all, BlackADDer, remember two things:

1) There are so many people who care about you and want to help you. Even people like us who have only ever met you in this Forum. And professional helpers who haven’t met you yet. You don’t have to go through this alone.

2) No matter how painful and overwhelming things are right now, they WILL get better for you, in time, and with help.

____________________________________

One more thing that may comfort you: Today’s Blog posting from Rick looks like it was written just for you: http://totallyadd.com/knocked-flat/

Maybe it was.

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[Anonymous]

When one feels like loosing oneself tpo somethin like oneliness.. It sure is like hell.

When being lone and separating line of one’s thoughts it feels like overwhelming.

Sharing is key to that.. But going to the side rail..

If one rely too much on somtehing or somoen to keep one going and gettinghg thing.. It is something coming from outside.. Why not trying to get one’s feet to thew work.. when the other way would be being at the sofa..

Why is it that buses so much feels agonyzing? Is them so crowded? Because their already a driver who has to do his job to do rounds..

How about getting frineds from net and more so that heyr are so close to ya.. So you donä’y have to be thinking.. Oh, my we will never see each other… So maybe that can be first step too.. Then taking some activity which may or mayn’t do the trick.. But being somewhere else than you home should be a good plan…

When one feels lonely try think everyone of those who has said kind words to you.. It will lower the feeling not so that it ewill go away but you may feel the need again to go to socialize…

Be 100% yourself and everything will be just fine,…

Corellamus an Daremus from across the ocean of Atlantic

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[Anonymous]

Thanks guys for your words and advice. I really do appreciate it.

I am continuing with my studies as planned letting my teachers be aware that their may be focus issues with the lectures and physical issues in other area. But I am taking my meds regularly (dex).

listening to that toploader song on repeat… ‘hold on’ and ocassionally going doolally to ‘bird is the word’

Anyhoo hope you guys have a splendid week.

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[Anonymous]

My doc has told me that I tend to hyperfocus on the negativity and all the things that are wrong in my life. As we all know, hyperfocus can be totally consuming and when it’s as negative as it is for me, well I end up in a black hole of depression that is hard to get out of. I’m just sharing in case the same can be said for others experiencing similar situations.

Now the meds seem to be helping me hyperfocus less in general, but it’s still hard. I have to fight the darkness by keeping busy and trying not to think too much. It’s still a work in progress though.

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[Anonymous]

Dayna B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I lost my car too. Right about the time that I was diagnosed with ADD.

All my symptoms have gotten worse since I lost my car and I can totally related to everything you have said here!

I have huge problems keeping friends. If they simply take the time to just look beyond the initial impression I make, it would all work out fine. That simply does not happen.

Being lonely hurts so bad. I am simply trying to cope with having lost years of my life to ADD. I am incredibly tired of making any changes, having received treatment for anxiety and depression for the past 12 years. Of course none worked and I am just too tired to make the needed changes in my life right now.

Need to have ADD diagnosed early on. It is important, before the thoughts of suicide and loneliness hits you.

On the bright side, I am so happy to know that there are people out there who have lives the very same way I do and feel the same.

Nick

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[Anonymous]

It is really cool that people on this site are soooo supportive.

ADHD and depression are virtual brothers when it comes to overlapping symptoms. It is not surprising that many patients are treated for both conditions simultaneously.

Remember, in the face of despair, it is so important to focus on your positives, your strengths and loved ones. Be wary of mental fatigue and bad thoughts that arise from being alone.

You’re not alone now.

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[Anonymous]

When feeling alone.. Come to be around.

Share your thoughts even the not so clear one’s too..

When feeling lonely.. Isolated.. going back to one’s cave…

Maybe you just go wanderr there because your feets are so restless or your thoughts just cant be silenced by force..

Why one should go that far to silence one’s thoughts? What kind of patterns one should be using to know.. “Yes i can go back now.. I’ve got my share of antisosialising..”

To know when it is time to go forth..? When one can know to go even further.. To get one’s hopes and dreams of future back…

What one has to do to get there.. Where ever that lust of wander is… to fly though the notes of music..

As Dr J be saying…

Not being alone anymore.. just having a feeling one has more time to wait but if one waits too long it just goes away and then one just has to face it… One cant do it anymore…

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[Author]

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