well everything is set into motion at full speed now. the deteration of our relationship is all most complete and now its starting to eat away at our friendship or at least thats how I see it. We put an end to any chance we’d ever have of ever taking our relationship part any further. I was re-asured that she’d never leave me and that she’d always be in my life, that I was a bigger part of her life, and meant more to her than any boyfriend ever could and that she’d always love me as a friend.
Well its good that the events saturday night went down the way they did, I guess it was what I needed to see the picture. She had txted me and asked if id stay another day with the dogs, I agreed and later that night after work went back to the house. I hung out with the guys and at around 11 got a txt from her asking if i was going to stay or if she was taking me home. I told her it was up to her what I was doing, whether she wanted company or to take me home, she was the one that had been on a train for 3 days, so I figured letting her decide would be nice. She said I could stay if I wanted but a friend of hers was stopping by to hang out, she put in parenthisis that she tried to tell him no but he insisted. I took this as her boyfriend was comming over, he was excited to see her and would come anyways, depsite the fact that I was there or she asked him not to if in fact she did. I wrote her back told her no I’d just go home. This was all in a matter of 15 minutes and at 16 she wrote back and had forgotten that 15 minutes prior offered to take me home. “how am I driving you?” I told her she said she would, she agreed later, and then i thought about the whole thing, I told her not to worry about it, i’d take a cab so that she wouldnt have to leave, since she just got home, and she could spend time with her boyfriend. She didnt seem to understand that I was upset at the time and responded with an inquesitive “ok?” I told her that i had called my friend steve to pick me up, explained that if he couldnt stay away even though she asked that maybe it wasnt a good idea that i stayed overnigt. I was pretty upset by then and all kinds of adrenaline was flowing, i had drank 2 5 cup pots of coffee and wasnt in any condition to be happy. It wasnt until she got there that I broke down and started to cry. We never yelled at each other, we never argued, it was me crying, and her re-asuring me that everything would be ok and that we were closer than we ever had been and that we’d be friends forever. I had told her before that its never that way for me when this happens and that we’d stop talking so much at first. That we’d say that it was for me so I could get over her, and then eventually enough time would pass and her memories of me would fade, that i wouldnt seem so important after a while, that the amount of time we talked and interacted would stay that way, and slowly fade and decrease. I told her that eventually we would only communicate through emails and short phone calls once every couple of months, that no matter how much I tried to call or email, or set plans to hang out we never would.
She’s such a sweet girl for trying to cheer me up and re-asure me that these things wont happen but the reality here folks is that on a graph that is the trend I follow in my relationships. I try to stay friends and it never happens, the most loved people in my life leave like those before and all i’m left with is memories and another broken heart to talley up on my arm.
After Steve got there we took off and headed back to his apartment, he was trying to cheer me up and I just couldnt keep it together. I was crying and texting all night and finally I realized it was 1am and had to stop. I asked her if we could talk later when neither of us were with company as we were both bering rude as a guest and to our guests. I never got a response and we’ve only spoken via text on subjects such as where did you put my keys, Check by the DVD’s oh I found them, Where did I put them? by the dvds, Oh wait I remember you put them there before you left I wasnt hiding them, stuf like that. I asked how the dogs were and never got a reply.
Like I said its been communicated that we will always be friends but its already starting to disolve. Verbal communication failed, parties involved resorting to non verbal communication. Eventually we wont talk at all.
It sucks because just a year ago we were insepperable even as friends. We were such good friends that to the rest of the world we were a great couple, to the rest of the world we were together but in our eyes we were only friends. I guess when the trend stated to grow and time passed I even got to the point where I believed it as well. I admit that at some point in time I gave up on trying to keep the barriers up. I gave in and allowed her into my heart. I thought that yeah we dont have to put a label on this thing, we can just keep going on like this, we get closer and closer all the time, eventually it will just happen. I thought that she was in the same place. Everytime we’d ever talk about “us” it was always a matter of us being friends and us just continuing on like we were, overly close, friends, obsessivly close. I guess i’m the one with OCD though.
I’d love to be able to say something like i’m glad this has happend and maybe one day Ill be able to appreciate whats happened. It just sucks right now as it always does, but hey at least I made it out of bed today! Now I just gotta get a really cute Kala Pocket Ukulele to jam on downtown to pick up girls. (heh, I wish I was that cool)
Oh I guess on that note, it really sucks because I guess if she was into me she’d be my ideal girl, my sould mate if you could well if she could.
I dont find people who I share much in common with, i’m a bit of a sociopath, a bit sadistic sarcastic jaded, heart broken,and bitter at the world. I’m an emo kid from way back and looks like i’ll always be that way. when I first met her and even as time went on the more I saw she and I had in common and the more I came to think that her and I being friends would grow, how could we have so much in common and not?
I’m sitting here in starbucks on my second refil (its ok they’re free) sitting on the couch by the window, the sunlight is shinning through in large rectangular rays illuminating a large portion of my fleece that I have on. On my arm a random patern of shed dog hair transfers the red and golden spectrums of photons to my eye reminding me of the owner of the; his name is Dug.
If in fact this is to make me a stronger person in life, I wonder as to where I will grow stronger? Will my barriers to keep love out of my life harden, will my character be toughened and calused. Will I gain wisdom by this, so for next time I wont make the same mistakes, or will I just simply continue to walk down the road I have been, vulnerable to those who see my pass by.
Its my oppinion that I will be tougher to get to, it’ll be harder to reach my heart, i’d like to think that I wont let anyone in.
I was talking to my sister about this and on that side note let me run off on a ramble, I appreciate everyone who has ever talked to me about my stupid life, given me advice, tried to councel me on it. Nice. seriously, but back to what I was saying and I’ll just end with this. I was talking to my sister and she told me I should buy a new dog. I told her the reasons why I couldnt and ended our conversation with happiness shouldnt be so difficult.REPORT ABUSE