…….i’m dangling in there still! 
i keep thinking about trying a stimulant based medication, and getting into a big worried flap about becoming addicted or going through comedown if i have to withdraw from using them. i’m gonna discuss it with the shrink.
while i’m able to think clearer and see when i’m interrupting/going off on a tangent-mid sentance/behaving innapropriately a lot more now than before, and am waking up, focusing, and staying calm a bit easier, i’m still wiped out really quickly by day to day stuff, and can’t seem to get any energy behind me, or get started easily. to make things worse i discovered yesterday that i’ve gone up more than a full clothes size in the last few months- despite eating less and exercising more, and dropping 10lb on the scales. no, it aint gone on as muscle, no, i aint pregnant.
the whole weight and tiredness thing has been driving me insane since i was 10 or 11 (i was a skinny kid, then suddenly it started piling on) so much so that for the longest time i was convinced i was hypothyroid (apparently i’m not)….. i feel like anything that could give me a decent hard shove into action and keep me moving once i was started wouldn’t hurt on that front, although i’m concerned that i might have the wrong agenda in mind.
what is really funny though, is that i’ve spoken to both my partner and my mum about the idea of trying a stimulant, and voiced my concerns, and despite both of them knowing me like they do, and knowing my history (mum was pretty frazzled by my enthusiastic pharmacutical dabblings when i was a teen, as well as by my dads addiction- his whole side of the family are alcoholics, the bf’s ex had major drug addiction problems that caused him and their kid a lot of pain) they’re both really quite keen on my giving it a go, and feel sure that i’m self-aware enough, smart enough, and have seen enough that i wouldn’t let myself develop a problem or get in over my head.
meanwhile, i’m thinking about how much i like how the mild codeine tablets which i take for pain a few days a month make me feel. i absolutely never take them unless i am in serious pain, but even thinking about them sitting in the drawer makes me feel the same way as seeing someone light a cigarette or joint does, as an ex-smoker… that twinge of desire is there, it never goes away.
…. i wish i had the same level of confidence in myself as they seem to.
kazuo- i loathe feeling like i’m telling anyone what to do, and i’m definately not here, but something that might be worth passing on: i was told very firmly by an addiction worker when i was looking into going into councelling a few years ago, to be very sure that i’d beaten all of my own demons before putting myself in a position where i’m going to be exposed to someone elses- especially someone vulnerable- as it can be incredibly hard to help them process their stuff and stay a step back from it emotionally, and remain objective sometimes- even when you don’t have first hand familiarity with being on the receiving end of an addict, or having been in their shoes.
she said that as people who really know ‘how it is’, we have a lot to offer those in recovery, and that they tend to respect someone who really does ‘get it’ cos they’ve been there, or somewhere similar- its just vital that we’re in a position to know where the line is, and how to stay on our side of it, before we get into a caring and enabling role- or we can do more harm than good- to both parties.
: ) i know i couldn’t deal with addicts day in day out, anymore than i could work behind the bar in a pub- i’d really struggle to keep my head together long term. thats not to say its not right for you, of course.
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