Re: Television Addiction

[Robbo]

Wow, what an awesome thread. Every bit of it. I was working through some exercises on a grammar site, learning about all the different parts of speech etc. Needed a break. I’ve been reading for a couple hours maybe. Read all of this one. After a few funny threads.

I’m doing much better with the TV. A little too much Internet probably. I’ve been stuck at home a lot lately.

I’ve been to a lot of 12 step program meetings, and support groups. This thread is like a really excellent one. I’m in one again for axiety and depression, I need to start showing up. I just talked to a new therapist earlier. Good conversation, she has ADHD but is also a highly educated psychologist, it doesn’t seem like she’s got it real bad, I just don’t know. I’ll be printing out this entire thread. It’s that therapeutic for me. I may share it with her also. Already told her about this site. I could save her some time maybe.

Just wanted to bring this thread back up for some of the newer folks, there’s so very much help and compassion here. This is truly and huge and amazing group of folks. We suffer, we really do hurt a lot. But deep down we’re also extremely valuable people. We’re helping each-other survive a problem that can be every bit as bad as Dr. Barkley says it is. Fortunately I see the positive side that Dr. Hallowell talks about. There are many good doctors out there working hard on more solutions for us. While we help each-other out so well here in the mean time.

I’m super glad I haven’t listened to that nasty negative demonic pessimist part of my thinking. It says I don’t fit here. It lies. I’ve almost left this place more times than shame allows me to admit. That’s the self destructive part of my ADHD. Self destructive tendencies have been part of my diagnosis forever. I’m paralyzed because I chose to ride my motorcycle to work at a restaurant instead of my truck. The accident was just before midnight on friday the 13th sept 96. I never even took that bike on the highway. It was the last stop light before going into the foothills of the Santa Cruz mountains where I lived in a 5th wheel trailer. I never have blamed myself. I was just stopped at a red light. Got hit from behind. The pickup truck was just too boring when I had a motorcycle begging me to ride it. I could cruise along the ocean after work and stop anywhere to roll a cigarette. I loved that bike, I loved that paradise I lived in too. I could walk out the door and be in the redwoods in 5 minutes, no houses, no people. A river, clean enough to still have steelhead in it across the street. I would jump on my Honda elite scooter in nothing but a shorts and a helmet most mornings. Then have my coffee on a sandy bank a quarter mile up the road. So, PTSD is coming up for me lately. Not from losing the life I used to live so much. All the worst case scenario hospital stays I’ve been through. Cheating death again and again. I don’t even know how many surgeries I’ve had.

I got the creeps reading one of my posts in this thread. Cuz I’ve had diarrhea again for the last week. I was watching a youtube thing about vegetarian/vegan lifestyles today. Being vegetarian almost killed me because of the anemia some people get not eating meat. Of course there’s more reasons I had so many pressure sores. Smoking, and not just cigarettes. I work hard at forgiving myself for that. Diarrhea is sometimes part of the way our body cleanses itself. I’m not sick… physically anyway. I didn’t plan on writing so much. But this thread is like so many of the best support groups I’ve been in over the years. It brings it out of me. Like diarrhea. Instead of diarrhea of the mouth. I’ve got diarrhea of the fingers… Thanks for the patience. I’m just really feeling bad lately. I don’t like to admit it.

I love the idea of taking pictures of trees from a circling merry go round. Photography is a lot of fun. Whelp, gotta stop. Maybe after I edit this I’ll feel better about posting it.

Nope. I hope I don’t regret spilling my guts here again. I’m not really asking for help. Just letting out my crud. I’ve seriously got almost nobody I can really talk to. Getting back into therapy is a long slow process. Very difficult. Like opening a can of beans with a swiss army knife. Or maybe just a can of mystery, no label.

I’m glad I feel like it’s safe enough to share here. Fear and courage make us grow, at least I hope so.

I will force myself to get outside tomorrow. Talk to some people. That’s a promise.

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