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Anonymous
Just saw this post, and felt like replying.
Yes, I had a hard time this valentines day. Girlfriend broke up with me and moved back to Europe. I think I had been using the relationship as a crutch for too long. The funny thing is, while my life has been sooo difficult in the last couple of years, at least partly because of un-managed ADD, her opinion was that I did not have ADD, basically, I was not that “special”, everyone has these problems. And I was willing to make this my reality, despite having been diagnosed in 2009, and despite the fact that some parts of my life have been spiraling downward. Not a healthy place to be.
Not blaming her, it was my choice to put being with someone (fear of being lonely/abandonment) ahead of what I intuitively knew was correct, and ahead of my health. Anxiety, daily feelings of unmanageability, depression, and a focus on the relationship over my needs have left me feeling isolated. I have some friends in my city, but do not feel like I have a strong social network.
So here I am, nearly two years later. Knowing that it is important that I try and get my life managed better before dating someone, but feeling very alone and fearful of being alone. It feels like a couple of years ago, I had more hope. And after two years of more the same, I am tired.
I am doing the right things. Reaching out for help when and where I can, involving myself in groups, as much as possible, starting work with a coach… Also working with a therapist, and will likely need to go on some medication to deal with the depression. I am, on paper, doing the right things, as best I can, but any real change in the future is hard to connect with at the moment.
But at the end of the day, being alone in my apartment is a physical, palpable thing. Going out is good, and socializing, but so far it is slow for me to make strong friendships. I have two beautiful kids that are with me half the time, and that has been a blessing for me. They often keep me grounded. But Valentines day (and several other holidays) have just seemed to remind me of how long the road has been, and far away or seemingly unreachable some of my goals are. And I think my goals are simple at the moment – have some peace in my life, some sense that things are manageable, a good social network, financial stability, and when the time is right, romantic love.
I have to believe that I am where I need to be at the moment, that things will feel better, that the hurdles and difficulties will make some kind of sense and that laughter and fun will again come more easily. in the meantime, I will continue to put one foot in front of the other.
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