Valentines Day Blues

[Shadow Nexus]

The day has come again. A holiday I dread every year. I’d like to know i’m not the only one. NO happy people stories please. Tell me your blues.

My story is simple, me complex. Looking for a lifetime that one whom I have basic compatibility, not perfect. Enjoying quiet time together for hours on end, just to name one. I’v met many woman in various forums. I have been friends with many of them. No interest on my part in going farther, no chemistry. Recently, I’v tried to figure out what were the basic requirements. The mental i’m still working out. I thought I was gay until I figured out my physical tastes in women(non-traditional). I’ll keep that to myself.

I’m a great solo dancer. Done a few slow dances, never did anything for me. Danced with individuals and groups now and then. I go to the movies all the time alone. Gone to art shows alone. Spend Friday and Saturday alone See the theme yet? Tried a free dating website. Met women through singles groups. Met women in various clubs. Met lots in high school, community college, and university. Sigh, she seems to exist only in my imagination. I’m not out ideas yet to find a woman, thanks to my ADD powered creativity. Why not give up? Again, thanks to my ADD powered hyper-focus. For now, my imaginary girlfriend and I have a date.

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[Anonymous]

that is the same with me i have tried dating a few times girls that i thought were a match with me but after a few weeks to a month they say we are better off as friends. but i know it because i am “different” to them. but oh well. free dating websites are not that good at all and i am not going to spend money to have a dating site help me find a date and get dumped again. but just remember there is someone out there for you you just need to be calm and wait. trust me i know how hard that is .

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[laddybug3]

I look forward to some anti-Valintines parties, but there is none to be had. All my friends are dating, except me.

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[Anonymous]

48 SDWMW/ADHD here LOL

As being the new poster person on why ADHD males must (OK REALLY SHOULD) make sure they are in check with there ADHD symptoms. Divorced 2x kids and nothing but heart ache….. Found out I had ADHD during divorce of second wife 3 years ago….. No I am not going to say woman are BAD. Dating is great and the companionship can be awesome BUT to be fair to you and your partner make sure you are in a good place with yourself which really means your ADHD and holistic/systemic approach should be in a good place.

I was approached by someone whom thought I was gay…….. No way! I enjoy everything woman bring to the table……. The problem is I really did not bring the real me to the table. I was not in a good place…… I was always fuzzy …… I was very codependent…. After i get my symptoms in check sure I might date but it will be with boundries. Do not cut yourself short . There is someone for everyone….. Patience….. Yep I know it is hard especially having ADHD.

The consequences of being with the wrong could be devistating. The right one that accepts you as you are will be awesome… I actually dated woman who could have been the right ones but of course I was not in the right place….. So yep in being with good persons while I ws in the wrong place offers me some hope…… But again first ME!

Yeah it is V day. It is way over marketed for me anyway…. The one that is right for me ….. Everyday will be valentines day for both of us!

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[Anonymous]

Hey folks. If i can share a little. Friendships are hard for me too. As a youngster my friend was the kids two doors down, we did everything together even though we went to different schools. As we got older he had more school friends from the neighbourhood, so the friendship sort of fizzled out. In high school I again had one friend pretty much until college, our path went in very different directions so that died too. In college my friends were my roommates. If I needed to go out side of school or home for friendship there were coworkers that I got along with. Where I live now we have a few neighbours, I even managed a minor friendship with one of them for a while, they moved and that died too. The others, we just don’t seem to ‘gel’. What does this mean?

For me I had to think way back, Jr K, what do I remember from that? I bit a kid named Blaine on the hand for bugging me. My dog had recently bit me after I had been ‘bugging’ him. Mom and Dad said if you keep bugging you’ll get bit, I did and I learned a lesson, I figured that the same lesson should be taught to Blaine asap. I got in big trouble for stealing these really cool really big balloons my other neighbour got for his bday, I just needed them. Get mad get even, tantrums that were your typical childlike temper tantrums, but were seen as anger management issues, total loss of rational thought, break something, throw something, yell at someone. Just release this feeling, this pressure. No wonder I don’t have friends I’m unstable. But I didn’t realize how unstable or how others saw this until recently. Read up on Asperger’s, ADD might not be the full answer for you, or at least the information might give you some strategies for the future. For me, friends that need no work to remain friends are all I can accommodate. Take me for what I am, don’t expect weekly calls, but I’ll keep in-touch by email or on FB. If you ever need something I’m here and I expect the same in return. I try to disclose who I am and what my short comings are, “I can sometimes sound intense and I say what I’m thinking because I don’t want to lie and because I don’t know of any other way to say it, there are times when it can sound curt, rude or insensitive.” I don’t always appreciate that the way I see a situation may be very different then how someone else might see it, that my conclusion may be wrong, that what I’m reading on your face is not what you are trying to project, kindness does not equal friendship, that because you talked and laughed with me today it doesn’t mean the rules are the same tomorrow. These are all very confusing and frustrating to me, so I tend to avoid the issue and block people, or at least thats what I tell myself.

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[powcat]

I felt pretty crappy myself this Valentine’s day; the fellow I like who is kind of perfect was out with his girlfriend. oh, my life….

I hang out with a guy and we are having lots of fun and flirting and all that. then I tell him I like him and he says he is attracted to me AND likes me as a friend, but doesn’t want to date. this happens to me over and over again.

I asked my guy friend, the one I have a crush on, for the male perspective on this mysterious – to me, at least – phenomenon. he said that I am too intense for some people. their thought process might go as follows:

“she wants to go on an adventure. I just want to hold hands and get a burger. I’m not up to an adventure right now.” and then they back off.

ironically, this kind of made me feel better about myself.

I’m not going to resolve to hide myself – though of course, I will try and abide by social boundaries, whatever, etc. I just have to wait to meet somebody who is strong and adventurous and courageous enough to want to go on the adventure with me.

if I try to trick someone into going out with me by appearing differently from what I am, well, that’s never going to last or even make me happy.

good luck, everybody. and it gives me hope that so many folks on this site seem to be married!

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[Anonymous]

Just saw this post, and felt like replying.

Yes, I had a hard time this valentines day. Girlfriend broke up with me and moved back to Europe. I think I had been using the relationship as a crutch for too long. The funny thing is, while my life has been sooo difficult in the last couple of years, at least partly because of un-managed ADD, her opinion was that I did not have ADD, basically, I was not that “special”, everyone has these problems. And I was willing to make this my reality, despite having been diagnosed in 2009, and despite the fact that some parts of my life have been spiraling downward. Not a healthy place to be.

Not blaming her, it was my choice to put being with someone (fear of being lonely/abandonment) ahead of what I intuitively knew was correct, and ahead of my health. Anxiety, daily feelings of unmanageability, depression, and a focus on the relationship over my needs have left me feeling isolated. I have some friends in my city, but do not feel like I have a strong social network.

So here I am, nearly two years later. Knowing that it is important that I try and get my life managed better before dating someone, but feeling very alone and fearful of being alone. It feels like a couple of years ago, I had more hope. And after two years of more the same, I am tired.

I am doing the right things. Reaching out for help when and where I can, involving myself in groups, as much as possible, starting work with a coach… Also working with a therapist, and will likely need to go on some medication to deal with the depression. I am, on paper, doing the right things, as best I can, but any real change in the future is hard to connect with at the moment.

But at the end of the day, being alone in my apartment is a physical, palpable thing. Going out is good, and socializing, but so far it is slow for me to make strong friendships. I have two beautiful kids that are with me half the time, and that has been a blessing for me. They often keep me grounded. But Valentines day (and several other holidays) have just seemed to remind me of how long the road has been, and far away or seemingly unreachable some of my goals are. And I think my goals are simple at the moment – have some peace in my life, some sense that things are manageable, a good social network, financial stability, and when the time is right, romantic love.

I have to believe that I am where I need to be at the moment, that things will feel better, that the hurdles and difficulties will make some kind of sense and that laughter and fun will again come more easily. in the meantime, I will continue to put one foot in front of the other.

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[Anonymous]

I deal with being single on VD by buying myself something special, like some diamond jewellery or an electronic gadget.

I’ve been through one failed marriage and several bad relationships with men who could probably be diagnosed as sociopaths, so at this point in my life, I’m much happier being single. It’s not all bad.

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[Shadow Nexus]

>The funny thing is, while my life has been sooo difficult in the last couple of years, at least partly because of un-managed ADD, her opinion was that I did not have ADD, basically, I was not that “special”, everyone has these problems.

The job of the girlfriend/boyfriend or partner is to be supportive in your times of need. She wasn’t her doing her job. You are much better off without her. Being single can be rough, but remember the positive, no ones annoying habits to put up with in or out the home.

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[Anonymous]

My birthday is on Valentine’s day, my boyfriend of 3 yrs dumped me a month prior. This year was the worst birthday of my life. He was nice enough to spend the evening with me, and I decided to try to kiss him because if I didn’t, I knew I would have regretted it. So when I leaned-in he got very upset and stormed out on me.

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[Anonymous]

Thanks Filmbuff. I know that, but had let myself forget it… Lesson learned (I hope).

Mon, sorry to hear that you had such a crappy birthday/valentines day. It does not help that there are just such a lot of expectations set up around us for these days. Hope things are going better now.

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[Anonymous]

Thanks Paully. I know the ADD negatively affected my relationship. My psychologist and I just discovered I had it after he dumped me. But it’s terrible. He was the love of my life and he used to say the same about me. I guess my forgetfullness, impulsive commenting, clinginess, ect. was too much for him to bare for several years. This is the first time I’ve had trouble eating or drinking from sadness.

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[Anonymous]

I know how you feel Mon. I have been same way since December. Lost about 15 lbs. Trying to focus on eating better, sleeping better, and slowly getting there.

I have been beating myself up a lot, of course, ruminating over things (why did I/why did she/what if), but regardless of the issues we face, it still takes two to make things work or not. My ex also said “I love you SOO much” a lot, even while I am pretty sure she was mentally on her way out the door. But shit happens. I also saw what I wanted to see a lot of the time.

So, now I have the opportunity to have a fresh start, work on getting my ADD and life managed in a better way. Be in a better place when I meet someone else – helps to make better choices.

In the meantime, working hard to put the pieces in place, exercising, taking vitamins, etc., trying to treat myself better despite the fact that I don’t always feel like it.

Good like, feel better.

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[powcat]

good luck guys, it gets better.

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[Author]

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