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Re: What you may be doing that keeps you from making friends

Re: What you may be doing that keeps you from making friends2010-12-10T20:50:34+00:00

The Forums Forums What is it? Other What you may be doing that keeps you from making friends Re: What you may be doing that keeps you from making friends


Post count: 14413

It’s unfortunate and ironic gmoniz. We ADDers have such a hard time making friends anyway only to also find often (not always) it’s even harder to be friends with ones we want to the most, and logically should be able to easiest: the people suffering through the same struggles.

Just in the last two weeks I’ve been on both ends of this. I attend a local area Adult ADHD meet-up group. At the last one I met a newly diagnosed late 40s man whose life had followed a similar track as mine (diagnosed late after damage was already done). He was nice and I thought I could help him avoid or diminish the the emotional pain I knew he had in store for the future. We talked after the meeting and hit it off really well. We exchanged phone numbers and emails and I told him I would send him some info and web sites that I found particularly helpful. The next day he called me three times. I returned his call while sitting in a shopping center parking lot because, to me, if someone calls three times in one day it must be important. He just wanted to say hi, that he enjoyed meeting me, and asked when I would send the info I promised. I thought to myself: Are you kidding? That’s what was so urgent? I was annoyed! But I thought about the ADD and politely told him I would try to get the info to him in a few days or as soon as I can find the time. It ended up taking a few weeks but I kept in touch by email to let him know I hadn’t forgotten.

Then I got a call from him while on vacation in Florida complaining that no one was calling him back. I nearly flipped. I told him, if he plans to befriend others with ADD, he needs to get used to it. THAT’S WHAT ADD IS! I explained that I returned the only call(s) he ever made to me and that he had never replied to any of my emails though he acknowledge he got them. As if I hadn’t spoken he went on to state how disappointed he was in me that I hadn’t sent him the info I promised yet. I realized he wasn’t going to hear anything I had to say so I just apologized and told him I’d send it that day. I spent the next 1.5 hours of my vacation putting together an email with hyperlinks, descriptions, and what each web page, book, or document was good for. Of course, I never got a response or thank you.

On the other side, I met up with a girl from the same group. We had similar goals and struggled with many of the same handicaps from the ADD so we decided to be “accountability partners.” In other words, we would coach each other and follow-up with each other regularly to ensure we were each doing what we committed to and not procrastinating. We made a date to meet at a coffee house to determine the ground rules and expectations. During the conversation I discovered she didn’t know much about the neurological causes of ADD symptoms. To me that meant she still thought of ADD as a problem of willpower. She said she just wanted somebody to help keep her motivated and on track and that her plate was too full right now to start learning the science. But I couldn’t let it go and insisted she would fail if she didn’t educate herself. I pounded her with data from studies showing the best treatment for adult ADHD is educating one’s self about it and that not doing so reduced her chances significantly in succeeding at the Accountability Partner thing. I believe I was right but, did it help to beat her over the head with the info. No. Ultimately she decided we weren’t a good match for this. I should have let it go. She would have learned in her own time. But I became the pushy know-it-all I describe above and ensured she would be less receptive to information on ADD in the future.

Now I’m being long-winded so I’ll sign off. Thanks for replying to my post.

BTW – I do the same thing with the video game in the bathroom. The only thing that gets me out of there is my legs start to go numb and fall asleep, otherwise I would probably be in there hours. It’s the one room you can isolate yourself, people leave you alone, and no one thinks you’re being rude. Unless you’re in there for hours of course ;-)