Reply To: My boyfriend had undiagnosed ADD and refuses to consult…

[Anonymous]

I have a rather lengthy article I have published about this…its a very frank letter to men with ADHD that are unwilling to deal with the source issues surrounding ADHD.

As a teacher you’ll not like this…but most teachers do not know how to teach kids with ADD and they harm us more than help us. The traditional learning environment is horrid for most of us. Teachers tell us to sit down, stop fidgeting and want to run off our “energy.” This are really bad strategies. – I know, I created an entire high school for kids with ADHD at a major university.

The presentations you see “procrastination to the hyper focus, tapping your foot, TV or radio on all the time, sleeping too long, losing all necessary objects, not being able to keep a job” are simply behaviors that are indicators. This is true for children and adults. You are not viewing the cause of the behaviors. Causality is individual.

Our behaviors are as a result of emotional addictions. These addictions are formed by about age six. (In fact, the source of many of our illnesses, as well.) So, let’s see how we all obtain our core psychology. (Reference the writings of Carl Jung) EXAMPLE: A child is learning to eat. His mother gives him a fork, but tells him to grab the fork by the wrong end…by the tines. That child attempts to eat using the blunt end of the fork, but becomes frustrated. When mom is not looking, he turns the fork around and has some success. When mom turns around, she becomes upset, swats the boy’s hand and turns the fork around. This goes on for about nine weeks and the boy gives up and eats with the wrong end of the fork.

What happened?

The boy now becomes frustrated and often rolls around on the floor. Often, the boy fidgets during any eating.

The boy becomes anxious afraid that each time mom comes in the room, she will slap his hand.

The boy gains the feeling he is stupid. After all, eating with the proper end of the fork is “wrong”. What doesn’t he get about eating.

So…our brains are different. That has been proven. The way I process is different than the neruotypical person. When I learn, I learn differently than the other 90%. Actually, since I have no disconnect with my subconscious brain, I probably learn better. However, when I attempt to use my natural abilities I am punished. This results in behaviors that may be objectionable.

How do I know this is true? Well, we’ve done research showing elementary children with ADHD, in a learning environment that works for them and their are no behavior issues and they rarely need drugs. They also perform better than their neurotypical counterparts.

Now, here is the kicker. Those emotions we adopt like anxiety or fear create strong feelings in us. As children, we become very used to those feelings, then become addicted to those feelings and we spend the rest of our lives bringing things into our lives that perpetuate those feelings. Yes, as people with ADHD we become addicted to the emotions and those eventually manifest in behaviors.

The behaviors you see all have a source. The key is obtaining information as to the source. The emotional addictions come from things he learned in those formative years from his caregivers.

Wiggling a leg is an indicator of a feeling. The question to ask is not “Why are you shaking your leg?” The question is: “What are you feeling right now?”

The same thing goes for kids. When you think they have excess energy, find out what they are feeling rather than disciplining the behaviors.

After that, the key is addressing the source of the behaviors.

Oh…he picked you because you are either the same as his mother or the opposite. Again, that goes back to his core psychology.

It is a lot to explain here. Too much to really outline in detail. I lecture and do workshops on the subject with my wife, who is a psychologist and expert on ADHD. I had some horrid behaviors and was able to turn it all around. She left me more than ten times. The last time was supposed to be the end, but I was able to master my ADHD over the course of three years and turn it all around.

Part of this is also about you! You were attracted to him for a reason. Maybe he was really adventurous or a great lover. We are very intense people and other people are attracted to us. However, once you have to live with us all the time, it ain’t so pretty. How many superheroes do you know with a girlfriend? We are no different. If you want the really great parts of us, you also need to learn how to manage the dark side.

I have very sharp words for men that will not do what it takes to turn things around and learn how to manage their ADHD. Honestly, the methods we developed are not easy to do. It takes almost a year to “reintegrate” our brains and gain something close to normal brain function. It can be done. However, punishing his behaviors is not the answer. – Gotta run.

 

Hope this helps a little. Also, its late. So sorry for any grammar issues.

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