My boyfriend had undiagnosed ADD and refuses to consult…

[sinilind]

Hi everybody

My boyfriend of two years (we moved in together 9 months ago) had undiagnosed ADD. I know it’s dangerous to sit on the chair of the psychologist, but I am a teacher and I work with kids with ADD. So yeah… And looking up a list of symptoms of adult ADD is like reading a biography of my boyfriend. He has everyone of them, from the procrastination to the hyperfocus, tapping your foot, TV or radio on all the time, sleeping too long, losing all necessary objects, not being able to keep a job…

He’s 55 and I’m 51 by the way. And the crazy thins is: he studied organisation psychology, so he should have some insights but no.

I wrote this story a few hours ago, Sorry for copy-pasting it, but I’m really at loss on what to do next…

“We met on a dating site 2 years ago, and it was love at first sight for both of us. I had been divorced for 4 years and doing quite allright in my job and with my big kids, he had separated from his wife a year before we met, and his situation was still complicated: he lived in a house together with 2 other divorced men, had no paid job but was trying to get 2 small companies started up. I worried slightly about the situation but boy I was so in love…Last summer he had to make a decision about his living place, the house he was living in with the two other guy was going to be sold and he needed a place to live, the situation between us was so good and he was so often at my place anyway that we decided he’d move in with me. My younger son (15 y.o) really liked him so no problem. But… I have been confronted with so many issues since we live together that I wonder what to do. I still love him but I am so tired and frustrated that I sometimes feel like running away. He still doesn’t have a proper job. One of the company he was trying to start up collapsed when he and his older brother (they were in this together) decided to pull out. This also led to a break up between his two brothers (the older and the younger one) and he’s still very frustrated about the whole situation. He decided to carry on with the other company, a small software company. He designed a software a few years ago, based on some ideas he had on interviewing people and doing counseling online. Many people who used the software say it’s great but it needs further development and he had no money for that . So he’s trying to find funds here and there. In the meantime he sometimes does a small job like mystery shopping and earns just enough to pay his share in our household. This is something he’s been doing very faithfully, and as soon as he gets money it goes in our common pot. He’s also bee trying to apply to various jobs in his old trade (he used to have a company as a business consultant) but he’s 55 years old and he’s been out of “real” employment the past 4 years. So it’s quite obvious nobody is really waiting for him. He’s obviously feeling very down about the situation. I suspect he’s quite depressed. His attitude with me varies from nice and tender to completely indifferent. To add up, the contact with his two sons (19 and 15) is not good, they live together with their mum, and she refuses to communicate with him. Both sons, I suspect, also have ADD. So. What do I do next. I really DO love him a lot. I am also CONVINCED he has quite severe ADD. I am a teacher and I work with kids with ADHD and ADD all the time, and when I read a list of symptoms about adult ADD it’s like reading a biography of my friend. Everything is there, absolutely everything. But he refuses to get a diagnose, because as he puts it: “he doesn’t want to be labeled”..

That’s our story. Im at loss…

Sinilind

“

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[That Guy with ADHD]

Hi Sinilind,

I’m sorry you are having a tough time with your boyfriend.  Ultimately it is his decision to accept that he might be ADHD.  If he doesn’t I think you have to ask yourself if how he is now is something you can accept.  That being said there are things you can do to help his ADHD symptoms like creating a higher protien diet, reduction of simple carbohydrates like sugar and white bread, a good night sleep, and decluttering.  Also, there is nothing better for his self esteem than success so point out when he has done something you like and hold off on the critisism when he struggles.

best of luck

That Guy

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[conchuet]

Hi Siniland,  I have been where you are and feel strongly being at a loss.  Our ages are not far apart.  I am a male and my partner had the ADHD with DESR.  Lots of anger along with the roller coaster ride from outbursts to kind and tender to indifferent.  I unfortunately had little idea of what ADHD was.  Although willing to help deal with it I didn’t know how.  Her theory was the ADHD was everyone else’s problem and not hers.  Your description seems to be what  you can expect given his attitude (denial perhaps).  I have lost my girl now due to an angry outburst over risky impulsive behavior.  As a charismatic and agreeable person in public she has ruined my reputation and my career.  She too had 3 children with adhd and all her siblings as well.  You have to decide if you can live with things this way and adapt as much as you can.  If your love is real it is worth it but only you can decide.  I wish you good luck and all the best.

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[sinilind]

Thank you for the answers. I try to be patient and not overreact. And I agree he has to be the one to look for help. There are enough nice things about my boyfriend to make life pleasant. The only big problem is that his ADD combined with no job at the moment makes daily life difficult. His age combined with the challenges of ADD also makes it very difficult to find a job. And the failures he experiments when applying for a job makes him doubting even more and seems to increase the symptoms.

I’d be happy if I could get in touch with partners of ADHD (non hyperactive) as I feel it is very nice to share experiences and ideas.

Sinilind

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[Anonymous]

I have a rather lengthy article I have published about this…its a very frank letter to men with ADHD that are unwilling to deal with the source issues surrounding ADHD.

As a teacher you’ll not like this…but most teachers do not know how to teach kids with ADD and they harm us more than help us. The traditional learning environment is horrid for most of us. Teachers tell us to sit down, stop fidgeting and want to run off our “energy.” This are really bad strategies. – I know, I created an entire high school for kids with ADHD at a major university.

The presentations you see “procrastination to the hyper focus, tapping your foot, TV or radio on all the time, sleeping too long, losing all necessary objects, not being able to keep a job” are simply behaviors that are indicators. This is true for children and adults. You are not viewing the cause of the behaviors. Causality is individual.

Our behaviors are as a result of emotional addictions. These addictions are formed by about age six. (In fact, the source of many of our illnesses, as well.) So, let’s see how we all obtain our core psychology. (Reference the writings of Carl Jung) EXAMPLE: A child is learning to eat. His mother gives him a fork, but tells him to grab the fork by the wrong end…by the tines. That child attempts to eat using the blunt end of the fork, but becomes frustrated. When mom is not looking, he turns the fork around and has some success. When mom turns around, she becomes upset, swats the boy’s hand and turns the fork around. This goes on for about nine weeks and the boy gives up and eats with the wrong end of the fork.

What happened?

The boy now becomes frustrated and often rolls around on the floor. Often, the boy fidgets during any eating.

The boy becomes anxious afraid that each time mom comes in the room, she will slap his hand.

The boy gains the feeling he is stupid. After all, eating with the proper end of the fork is “wrong”. What doesn’t he get about eating.

So…our brains are different. That has been proven. The way I process is different than the neruotypical person. When I learn, I learn differently than the other 90%. Actually, since I have no disconnect with my subconscious brain, I probably learn better. However, when I attempt to use my natural abilities I am punished. This results in behaviors that may be objectionable.

How do I know this is true? Well, we’ve done research showing elementary children with ADHD, in a learning environment that works for them and their are no behavior issues and they rarely need drugs. They also perform better than their neurotypical counterparts.

Now, here is the kicker. Those emotions we adopt like anxiety or fear create strong feelings in us. As children, we become very used to those feelings, then become addicted to those feelings and we spend the rest of our lives bringing things into our lives that perpetuate those feelings. Yes, as people with ADHD we become addicted to the emotions and those eventually manifest in behaviors.

The behaviors you see all have a source. The key is obtaining information as to the source. The emotional addictions come from things he learned in those formative years from his caregivers.

Wiggling a leg is an indicator of a feeling. The question to ask is not “Why are you shaking your leg?” The question is: “What are you feeling right now?”

The same thing goes for kids. When you think they have excess energy, find out what they are feeling rather than disciplining the behaviors.

After that, the key is addressing the source of the behaviors.

Oh…he picked you because you are either the same as his mother or the opposite. Again, that goes back to his core psychology.

It is a lot to explain here. Too much to really outline in detail. I lecture and do workshops on the subject with my wife, who is a psychologist and expert on ADHD. I had some horrid behaviors and was able to turn it all around. She left me more than ten times. The last time was supposed to be the end, but I was able to master my ADHD over the course of three years and turn it all around.

Part of this is also about you! You were attracted to him for a reason. Maybe he was really adventurous or a great lover. We are very intense people and other people are attracted to us. However, once you have to live with us all the time, it ain’t so pretty. How many superheroes do you know with a girlfriend? We are no different. If you want the really great parts of us, you also need to learn how to manage the dark side.

I have very sharp words for men that will not do what it takes to turn things around and learn how to manage their ADHD. Honestly, the methods we developed are not easy to do. It takes almost a year to “reintegrate” our brains and gain something close to normal brain function. It can be done. However, punishing his behaviors is not the answer. – Gotta run.

 

Hope this helps a little. Also, its late. So sorry for any grammar issues.

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