Reply To: One of those days…

[gforcewarp9]

Thanks.

Blackdog–O.K, is it a Led Zeppilin reference? You sound really creative as well! That is one thing us ADHD’ers are good at: creativity–our minds are suited for spontaneous associations and quick, improvisational thinking–you’re Christmas gift comes to mind. Oh, and we’re really, really thoughtful and sweet at times. Once again, you’re Christmas gift comes to mind! Most ADHD”rs, have something very, very genuine, charming about them, and I think your story of the Christmas gift that you made your husband is really touching. 🙂

As per my sewing:
I know…I’m really, really hard on myself. Would you believe, that I taught myself to sew 6 years ago?

I’ve taught myself a lot of things over the years: How to do work on my car, how to sail a boat, how to play guitar, how to understand basic music theory, how to paint, how to cook–I’d say I’m a pretty good home cook, after years of eating top ramen and steamed veggies. But no. None of it’s ever any good enough, because none of that makes me a dime, or gets me ahead in life in any way. Yes I know, I’m focusing on entirely the wrong thing. It’s just hard when I have friends who are making $80,000 a year as an RN. I think… man, I should have gone to school for nursing. Who cares how creative I am when I am FLAT F*&^%ing BROKE.

However, not that I don’t take any personal responsibility, but the system were in is not really conducive for Creative Renaissance types–unless, I don’t know, we can really, really  believe in ourselves, maybe get some good guidance,  and also get lucky on the way. That first one is a tough for me. My self esteem is pretty fragile.

I was just playing guitar and singing right now–something I LOVE to do. I LOVE to sing, and I keep trying to get better at singing and playing at the same time. Year after year I think–O.K, THIS will be the year I get up and perform in front of people, and year after year, I don’t do it. Everyone gets mad at me, and pesters me about what a great voice I have, and how I’d better darn well start letting people here it, and every year…well… I have very little confidence,  I have terrible stage fright, and my mind goes blank when I perform–even though, I grew up doing theater! WTF gives? I LOVE singing I WANT to perform! I’m NOT getting any younger!!! How can I get past this fear–before I DIE!!!??? It feels like a lead albatross around my legs.

I need to do this for the very survival of my soul. MY VERY SOUL IS AT STAKE, PEOPLE!!!

Ya know, I don’t mean to sound like, “oh hey, I’m so great! I can do this, and I’m good at that, and wow, aren’t I just peachy and talented!” Well, maybe the insecure part of me wants strokes and people to notice. But, really– I can’t seem to make any forward momentum with any of it, so it all just ends up making me feel WORSE about myself, not better. I wish.., I wish I had NONE of it! Then there would be NO PRESSURE.

As for sewing, yep. It’s competing with Parenting, Mountain Biking–serious mountain biking and athletic training. (I’ve been a serious out door athlete for a long time as well…) Music, and Art. I don’t have time in my day for everything I love.

However, I think I could pull off a few sewing days a week. I just need to get into a routine again. I’ve got hats down. They don’t take much time. Also scarves. It’s sourcing the material and designing–choosing what colors and what patterns to go with what–that takes the most time.

As per a “keeping on track buddy, ” I think I just met a friend who is a fellow ADHD’er, and we are hitting it off. I am hoping, that maybe we’ll be able to help each other.

Here’s the thing I think with a lot of us ADHD’rs: it’s not that were not smart, talented, creative, and even disciplined at times–the biggest hurdle I have, and probably a lot of others with ADHD, is my belief in myself. I struggle to believe in myself. I want to, but when ever I try–these waves of fear come up that threaten to swallow me up. Sometimes, it feels like I have a heavy weight, like a heavy black fog over my chest–it’s oppressive and hard to breath. It’s fear, but I don’t know why it’s there or how it got there. All I know, is that I want it gone. I want to be FREE.

FREE

FREE….it’s just another word, for nothin’ left to lose…

Buenos Suenos Sinoras,

Gforce.

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