One of those days…

[blackdog]

“I just want to accomplish some goals, pursue some long lost dreams, and maybe…I dunno, DO something with one of those “talents.”  Before I’m dead.

Is that to much to ask?”

Amen to that. All I want for Christmas is my long lost dream.

I have a pair of those crap coloured glasses too and I wear them most days. I am no where near as chipper as my comments make me sound. It’s easy to sound like you’re in a good mood when you type.

I am in a little better mood right now because I just got my official ADHD diagnosis and I am psyched about starting my new medication before Christmas so I can maybe get this pig sty cleaned up and maybe even get some baking done this year.  And also because I ran out of my antidepressant and went without for a few days before starting it again  which always gives me a little bit of a “high” for 2 or 3 days.

(Sheesh! If I get interrupted one more time while trying to type this…..Is it too much to ask just to be left alone for a few bloody minutes? 😡 )

Now, where did I park that train?…..

I’m short on time now so I will have to cut this short. I have a good friend in BC with ADHD. I will contact her and see if I can dig up some info on what is available in Vancouver that might help you. In the meantime, try to let go of those past failures and all the regret and guilt. I like some of @sdwa‘s tips on how to break out of that crapy mood when you get stuck in it. Try to do something to get your mind off of it and sort of reset. I know it isn’t easy, I have a hard time with it myself. I am in exactly the same situation as you- 20 years to retirement and nothing to show for it. But you have to believe that it’s not too late.

My screen name actually has nothing to do with dogs, but it sounds like you have a couple of great ones. I love black labs and Newfoundlanders. And I’m out of time. I really hate that. 🙁

But life is rearing it’s ugly head once again. Nothing to do but go and do battle once more. I’ll get that info for you…probably tonight or tomorrow since we usually chat on the weekends.

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[sdwa]

@gforcewarp9

I know what it’s like to hear “you’re so smart, you’re so talented, why don’t you…” hurry up and become some kind of rock star creative person? Because time gets away. Or the mood isn’t there. Or the structures are not there. Or the goal isn’t clear, or the pieces are too overwhelming.

The main reason I’ve come as far as I have with my novel, although I wouldn’t admit it to my writing buddy because that would be weird, is that I have a writing buddy. We exchange emails about our progress a couple of times a week. There is no competition involved – touching base just keeps my mind on what I’m trying to do. Writing a project on this scale is very difficult – a huge challenge, and it’s easy to get discouraged, not only by the work load but also the awareness that even if I succeed, and complete the project, my chances of anyone reading it are extremely remote. I’m doing it because it matters to me. Because it’s more meaningful than watching back-to-back TV reruns. I’m kind of amazed I’m doing it. But I don’t discount the reality that the external structure reinforces my focus. Plus the habit of set work hours – when I gravitate to my computer because that’s when I have a time window, and the pattern has become familiar. (In the past few days, feeling burned out, I’ve slacked off, and regret the time spent goofing around – time I can’t get back – plus the habit gets weak from lack of repetition – it’s too risky to slack off, because the results could be disastrous). In a way, the sense of urgency contributes to keeping me on track – I don’t want to die without finishing this book.

I wish my life meant something. But the feeling of meaninglessness it pretty well tied to the blues in general. Just because I think something, that doesn’t mean it’s true objectively. Or even if it were, if I felt better, I wouldn’t care.

I know what you mean about having talents you feel like you can’t use. I think probably all of us with ADHD can relate to that. What’s the magic key to getting started on a project? It’s good to notice, when you are working, what happened to get you started?

But at the end of the day, you’ve got to be doing stuff because you care about it, not because someone somewhere gave you the message that you should. Whatever projects you do, they won’t inherently make you a better person – they’ll just make you someone who does those projects. So it has to be inherently satisfying.

I don’t know why, exactly, but the idea for my book has been with me since 2005 or 2006. If I didn’t believe in it, I wouldn’t do it.

There is a huge difference between “self-pity” and just feeling down. In our society we’re trained not to complain, not to express fear, doubt, sadness, etc. Many people don’t understand what it means to be depressed, or what it’s like to live with low motivation or a chronic sense of overwhelm, or the feelings of failure or the What Might Have Beens many of us grapple with. It’s good to have at least one person you can be honest with emotionally and not be judged by. I think a lot of what you are feeling is perfectly normal for someone with ADHD.  Just know that it doesn’t make you a bad person to feel bad. That’s part of the trick the mind can play when we are down.

I try not to guilt trip myself about feeling bad. Usually that’s a helpful first step toward feeling better. All the guilt and failure messages – that stuff is just crap and static. It serves no purpose. I used to think it would motivate me to straighten up and fly right. But it doesn’t. Resistance tends to increase my frustration. Sometimes it’s best just to let it ride.

 

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[sdwa]

Don’t know if you’ve ever seen “Hyperbole and a Half” – cartoons of Allie Brosh. Some of her stuff is so on target, she just kills me.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

 

 

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[gforcewarp9]

Thank you for your response, SDWA.

 

Intellectually, everything you’re saying makes sense. It seems like, most of the time I can accept myself and even laugh at myself, and then–I don’t know what happens. It all gets turned on it’s head, and suddenly, everything feels bad.

That is AMAZING that you have committed to write a book and that you are doing it! That’s a long term project with a lot steps involved, and only you deciding where/how/when to write. For an ADHD’er, that kind of self-motivated long term project would be incredibly daunting, at least to me it would be! I think there’s a novel or a book or two in me, but sticking with a project like that over a long period of time makes me feel queasy just thinking about it. So, that’s pretty awesome of you to believe in yourself like that. What have you got to lose?  I keep trying to tell myself the same thing.

I went to the local Christmas Craft fair today, and once again, tried not to feel bad about not having made things to sell there again this year. I make really funky hats, scarves, and clothes out of recycled material–mostly t-shirts, sweatshirts, and wool. I have all these hats cut out and ready to be sewn/serged together, and did I get around to making them? NO. You have to pretty much get on the list to these craft fairs about 4 months in advance. These things just seem to come and go, and I’m where….out in space or something. Long term planning is just not my Forte.

For a while, I was sewing twice a week, and I sold my things at local farmers markets when I lived in the Islands. So, I have been that “Rock Star creative person” from time to time, but I can’t keep it up!  I even participated in a fashion show a few years back. However, I got kind of burned out on sewing–it’s a lot of work and not a lot of money in return. So, I haven’t been doing hardly any sewing for about a year. People keep saying to me, “Do ETSY.” Honestly, I feel like I need someone to freaking hold my hand, and walk me through all these steps that it takes to actually make money from what I’m doing. It’s overwhelming to me. I’m not a business person, and I don’t even know where to begin. Hello, it’s Christmas time: I could have made some extra money!!!

You know what else? I had some clothes in a local shop that closed down, and the owner kept trying to get a hold of me to come my stuff, and I kept forgetting and forgetting and forgetting, and finally he left me a Facebook message saying, “I’m moving to Victoria in 2 days, where can I leave your stuff?” I messaged back some ideas, but I never heard back from him, and now I have no idea what happened to all those awesome drawstring dresses I made! Why didn’t I go pick them up? IT MAKES NO SENSE!?

I love your idea of having a “buddy.” I would love to cultivate that kind of relationship with another creative person. What I really, really wish, is that I  could afford a coach. I think being able to go to someone and sort of spill out all my stuff in a jumble on their desk, so to speak, and have them make sense of it and help me come up with a plan, and then help me stick to the plan, would be AMAZINGLY helpful.  It’s all about money for me, however. As in, I don’t really have any. I feel so frustrated, that I can’t “afford” the help I need to be successful! I know life’s not fair, but sometimes, it’s really, really not fair.

Anyway, that’s awesome that you’re writing a novel and that you’ve found a way to help yourself follow through. Very inspiring.

Sometimes, when these things feel overwhelming, I just have to tell myself–“one step in front of the other…and just worry about the first step, and then don’t worry about the next step until your done with the first one. Rinse, and repeat ad infinitum.

Thanks again!

 

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[blackdog]

@gforcewarp9 I contacted my friend in BC and this is what she sent me:

The local CHADD group:
http://www.vcn.bc.ca/chaddvan/meetings.htm

And this is a clinic that offers therapy for ADHD

http://www.northshoreadhd.com/aboutus.html

I know you can’t afford a coach, but try contacting the CHADD group and see if they can give you any assistance. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to call the clinic and just inquire about prices. They may be able to help you out with some kind of payment plan or something.

I know exactly what you mean with the craft show. I do the same thing. Every year at the beginning of December I start thinking about doing some Christmas crafts. But it’s a little late by then.

The really amazing thing is how much I can get done once I do start. Not so much now that I’m older. I’m finding that I’m a lot slower now. But I used to be able to throw together a bunch of homemade decorations in minutes as soon as inspiration struck. Maybe nothing good enough to sell but good enough to get me comments like “wow, you made that yourself?”

A little off topic, but last Valentine’s day I forgot to get something for my husband. I was planning to go out the morning of the 14th and get some stuff. But I woke up in the morning and I was really sick. I could barely manage to stay on my feet for a few minutes at a time.

So I ended up making a gift from things that were in the living room, hiding it under my blanket every time I heard him coming. I made the card with the packaging from a Valentine’s decoration, some ribbon, paper, markers, and I think some glitter. And I took a box of Christmas candy that I had bought on sale in January and transferred the candy into a heart shaped cookie tin and tied the red ribbon from the box it was in around the tin and made a tag for it.  He was so surprised when I gave it to him.  He couldn’t figure out how I had managed to do it.

Anyway…The idea of having a buddy to help keep you on track is a good one. Maybe someone who is good at running a business. Also, it sounds like having deadlines would help you a lot.  I know how hard it is to stay on track. I get that feeling like I need someone to hold my hand and take me through it step by step too. I’m amazed that you did all that sewing. I find sewing much too complicated.

Another suggestion is to focus on only one thing- hats or shirts or dresses. Pick the one thing that is the easiest and fastest to make, something that won’t stress you and frustrate you too much. Then make it a habit, like sdwa said. Work on it every day and get into a routine. It will give you a sense of accomplishment because you are getting something done and you can see your progress. I always find progress to be a great motivator. When I can see clearly that I am getting somewhere then it inspires me to go further.

And you have to start fresh. Throw away all those old failures and disappointments. And forget about the potential. Don’t pressure yourself to do things just because you are supposed to be able to. Focus on the present and figure out what the first step is. The rest will come with time.

I hope there is something in there that is helpful to you. I’m not having a very good day so I’m a little scattered.

 

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[gforcewarp9]

Thanks.

Blackdog–O.K, is it a Led Zeppilin reference? You sound really creative as well! That is one thing us ADHD’ers are good at: creativity–our minds are suited for spontaneous associations and quick, improvisational thinking–you’re Christmas gift comes to mind. Oh, and we’re really, really thoughtful and sweet at times. Once again, you’re Christmas gift comes to mind! Most ADHD”rs, have something very, very genuine, charming about them, and I think your story of the Christmas gift that you made your husband is really touching. 🙂

As per my sewing:
I know…I’m really, really hard on myself. Would you believe, that I taught myself to sew 6 years ago?

I’ve taught myself a lot of things over the years: How to do work on my car, how to sail a boat, how to play guitar, how to understand basic music theory, how to paint, how to cook–I’d say I’m a pretty good home cook, after years of eating top ramen and steamed veggies. But no. None of it’s ever any good enough, because none of that makes me a dime, or gets me ahead in life in any way. Yes I know, I’m focusing on entirely the wrong thing. It’s just hard when I have friends who are making $80,000 a year as an RN. I think… man, I should have gone to school for nursing. Who cares how creative I am when I am FLAT F*&^%ing BROKE.

However, not that I don’t take any personal responsibility, but the system were in is not really conducive for Creative Renaissance types–unless, I don’t know, we can really, really  believe in ourselves, maybe get some good guidance,  and also get lucky on the way. That first one is a tough for me. My self esteem is pretty fragile.

I was just playing guitar and singing right now–something I LOVE to do. I LOVE to sing, and I keep trying to get better at singing and playing at the same time. Year after year I think–O.K, THIS will be the year I get up and perform in front of people, and year after year, I don’t do it. Everyone gets mad at me, and pesters me about what a great voice I have, and how I’d better darn well start letting people here it, and every year…well… I have very little confidence,  I have terrible stage fright, and my mind goes blank when I perform–even though, I grew up doing theater! WTF gives? I LOVE singing I WANT to perform! I’m NOT getting any younger!!! How can I get past this fear–before I DIE!!!??? It feels like a lead albatross around my legs.

I need to do this for the very survival of my soul. MY VERY SOUL IS AT STAKE, PEOPLE!!!

Ya know, I don’t mean to sound like, “oh hey, I’m so great! I can do this, and I’m good at that, and wow, aren’t I just peachy and talented!” Well, maybe the insecure part of me wants strokes and people to notice. But, really– I can’t seem to make any forward momentum with any of it, so it all just ends up making me feel WORSE about myself, not better. I wish.., I wish I had NONE of it! Then there would be NO PRESSURE.

As for sewing, yep. It’s competing with Parenting, Mountain Biking–serious mountain biking and athletic training. (I’ve been a serious out door athlete for a long time as well…) Music, and Art. I don’t have time in my day for everything I love.

However, I think I could pull off a few sewing days a week. I just need to get into a routine again. I’ve got hats down. They don’t take much time. Also scarves. It’s sourcing the material and designing–choosing what colors and what patterns to go with what–that takes the most time.

As per a “keeping on track buddy, ” I think I just met a friend who is a fellow ADHD’er, and we are hitting it off. I am hoping, that maybe we’ll be able to help each other.

Here’s the thing I think with a lot of us ADHD’rs: it’s not that were not smart, talented, creative, and even disciplined at times–the biggest hurdle I have, and probably a lot of others with ADHD, is my belief in myself. I struggle to believe in myself. I want to, but when ever I try–these waves of fear come up that threaten to swallow me up. Sometimes, it feels like I have a heavy weight, like a heavy black fog over my chest–it’s oppressive and hard to breath. It’s fear, but I don’t know why it’s there or how it got there. All I know, is that I want it gone. I want to be FREE.

FREE

FREE….it’s just another word, for nothin’ left to lose…

Buenos Suenos Sinoras,

Gforce.

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[blackdog]

No….it wasn’t a Led Zeppelin reference. But now that you mention it, it could be. I never thought of that.

I cringed when I saw the words  “you sound very creative”. It brings out all the same negative emotions you’ve been describing. Somewhere deep down inside I still believe it, and I have not yet given up completely. But it’s hard to keep on believing.

That’s a pretty impressive list of skills you have there. With skills like that I am sure you can find a way to make money somehow.

The problem with ADHD is  it’s not that you don’t know how to things, it’s that you can’t do them.  It’s the planning and the organizing and follow through that trips us up.

That’s the paradox that makes it so hard for people to believe in ADHD, because it looks like we can do it if we want to and when we don’t we’re just being lazy.

And it’s what causes us to beat ourselves up because we know we can do it but we don’t so we think we’re just being lazy, or we’re just stupid.

Like I said before, I can’t really offer much advice. I haven’t managed to get my own life together. My brother and his family dropped by today and we had to clear junk off of the chairs and couch so they could have a place to sit. The room is so cluttered that there is barely even room to move.  It really stressed out my nephew who’s autistic and they ended up having to leave because he couldn’t be here any more. He doesn’t like to stay long even when it’s clean but I know it bothers him more if it’s messy.

On the plus side I managed to dig up a Christmas wreath for the front door and made up a little flower arrangement with some plastic poinsettias  and other artificial flowers.  I completely forgot about getting my lights up….maybe I’ll still have time.

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[blackdog]

@sdwa -I love Hyperbole and a Half. That was too funny! And you’re right it is so fitting. That’s exactly what my life is like. Thanks for posting it. 🙂

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[dithl]

Hey gforce, another “me too” to the monthly-ish “down in the dumps”. And it doesn’t seem to be connected to other monthly happenings. I think Vitamin D is helping smooth it out for me. Majority of people are low on it, especially in these days of little sunlight. Just a thought, good that you’re seeing doc about it.
And ya — child guilt will get you every time. It’s the flip side of the mama bear instinct.

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[blackdog]

Oh, vitamin D. Why didn’t I think of that? That reminds me, I haven’t taken any for awhile. Could explain why I’m a little off these last few days.

Vitamin C and the B vitamins are important for keeping your mood up too.

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[gforcewarp9]

 

Hi,

Sorry, I didn’t mean to do to you, the same exact thing that I was complaining about! I meant it as a compliment/encouragement.

Speaking of house organization and friends, do you have any friends that could help you organize your house? While we are all talking about the ADHD buddy system, that might help if you had a friend come over and help you organize/sort/and get rid of un-needed or unwanted stuff.

I used to have a big problem with being messy and having a really disorganized house, but I got into a routine a while ago with cleaning and sorting–because I realized that I actually really NEED to have a clean organized house, or I will go crazy. Believe me, it doesn’t stay that way all the time. I’m not a perfectionist by any means, but I actually feel better about my life when the house is mostly taken care of . It’s hard to get started and it feels really overwhelming when it’s a mess, so if you have a friend who will help you tackle it, that might help.

Well, I guess it’s an impressive list of skills, however I’m not really an “expert” at any of them. I’m more like a “Jill of all Trades.” I’m not expert enough to really teach any thing, or even nec. getting a job doing any of it, as I have NO degree or any other education to back any of it up. It’s hard to make a living as an artist around here, even with an Art degree, let alone with out one. I guess what I can say, is if the right person came a long who had a business and could see that I am capable of learning whatever is thrown at me, and that I’m a self motivated self teacher, I would think that would be something someone would see as an asset. I just have little belief in myself so… I almost got a job as a reporter on at a local paper in Washington. I got down to the last 6 candidates, out of 40 or so, according to them—based on the “strength” of my writing. But of course, they hired someone with a Journalism major. Instead seeing the positive in that, I remember I just felt depressed, and defeated. I just think, I’m never going to get hired with out a degree.

I literally, do not know how to make anything of any of what I can do in a way that fits in with the current Capitalist paradigm. I simply have not made the “right” choices.

Cheers, and thanks for all the kind words and good advice.

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[bigchi]

I’ve only read about half of the posts on here, sorry for any redundancy. If you are depressed, I suggest getting on anti-depressants. I feel a lot better since I’ve gotten on them. The lows don’t feel as low. I would also suggest checking out “Feeling Good” by David Burns. It is only about $8. It talks about cognitive distortions. It is really helpful. Exercise really helps me with stress as well.

Here is an interesting link/funny. He is being sarcastic. At the end of the article he explains more.

http://secretgeek.net/depression_is_easy.asp

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[gforcewarp9]

Hi,

Thanks for that.

Yeah, everyone keeps suggesting exercise–I’ll tell ya, if I exercise anymore than I already do, I’m going to wreck my body and die of exhaustion…ha ha. I am really SERIOUS mountain biker, I train on the bike 3-4 days a week, and I’m in the gym 2-3 days a week.

You’d think it would help–and it does, temporarily.

I think I need warm sunshine and light, not gloom and rain and early dark days.

O.K, and maybe some brain re-training.

Thanks everyone!

P.S, who ever designed this website for ADHD’ers, put the “Submit” button in a very hard place for anyone to find, let a lone someone with ADHD!

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[blackdog]

@bigchi, welcome to TADD 🙂

I’m glad the antidepressants and stuff about cognitive distortions helped you. I personally don’t care for CBT and don’t find antidepressants much use. But that is probably because my main problem right now is not depression.

@gforcewarp9

No worries, I was just saying how those kind of comments have the same affect on me

“do you have any friends who could help organize your house?” Gawd No! I hate having people go through my stuff and hate even more being told what to do with it. And especially not anyone I know right now. My only friend who lives near by is a Type A uber organizer who freaks out if the dishes aren’t put in the dishwasher just right. Needless to say we clash. A lot.

I know it’s hard to get a job now without some kind of diploma or degree. And making a living as an artist isn’t really possible for most people, even with a degree. Only a lucky few ever make enough money off of their art that they don’t have to work another job to pay the bills.

Making the “wrong” choices is something that happens to most people with ADHD as we try to figure out how to fit into a world that isn’t made for us.

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[gforcewarp9]

“do you have any friends who could help organize your house?” Gawd No! I hate having people go through my stuff and hate even more being told what to do with it.”

Ah well, if the clutter doesn’t bother you, then don’t bother with doing anything about it! I just suggested that, because clutter in my house bother’s me big time, and I would LOVE help organizing. To each their own! Could you send your uber-organizer friend to my house? 🙂

Yeah, I think I’m going to go back to school here in the near future. If I pursue all the “A.D.D” assistance at school, like get the school counselor helping me to get all the accommodations I’m allowed, getting the teachers on board early and getting them to help me stay on track etc, etc… I can actually do pretty well in College. I just couldn’t keep going in the past, because I couldn’t keep a job, so I was always having to leave school because I had NO stability and NO money. I couldn’t even get financial aid or loans, because I had defaulted on an earlier $2000.00 loan, so I  couldn’t get any financial assistance at all. I just have so much CRAP stacked against me. I’m only just trying to get ahead. I’m made to feel like a dead beat for defaulting on that loan. I have a freaking disability that makes keeping jobs very difficult. How…how…and why….

When I look up, all I see is a mountain above me.  A mountain of obstacles.

 

It was the most depressing catch 22: I’m trying to go to school so that I can eventually create stability in my life, but the lack of stability prevented my from completing school. It’s so…UNFAIR! I’m pretty smart, creative and I have a lot of ingenuity. I deserve a CHANCE!

I just want a chance to not live in fear and worry and desperation. I want a chance to show the world what I can really do!!!

Is that so much to ask?

 

 

 

 

 

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