21year old son in university and everything he has been telling us is a LIE !!!

[trashman]

so , what do I do when waking past my sons room and I look in and I still see his big mess !! I think to myself that I will help him get started with the clean up. thinking that may be it was a little overwhelming , so I would help. we are always fighting about his room and him eating in his room . just to give you an Idea of how big the mess is. I will tell you that I picked up ,4 big recycle bags and the o f3 garbage. till this point I was hoping he would get tiered of that pig sty and pick up after himself .he keeps reminding me he is 21 and has the right to make his own decisions.

while picking up I am looking at the papers to see if I can through them out or not. just to find out he has to go to court,and for what I don’t know. he has not ever said a word. he has told us that he is off probation! not true. he has strident loans asking for money.he told his mother adend I he lost his visa in his room,but it ws ok because it was all paid so no worries .not true all over limit and past due

my wife keeps paying things for him and making excuses for him . that what we fight about the most . when I say some thing say says she is just a bad parent and starts to cry I think just to make me feel bad so I let it go. but what do I do know with this information.My son will just yell and swear at me and say he will go live under a bridge, and my wife will take his side.

he has been diagnosis with adhd and desperation and I have tried to get him help and he just lies to everyone about whats happening and says his adhd does not effect him or get in the way??

WHAT SHOULD i DO HELP!!!!!!! some days I feel like just leaving and not saying a word to know one!

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[Patte Rosebank]

Sounds like your son needs an intervention. This is one case where I think you need to seek professional help, and from several sources.

For your son’s legal issues, you need to contact his probation officer and find out exactly what’s going on. Especially if you or your wife are the co-signers on his bond. If he violates his probation in any way, you’ll be on the hook financially, so you DO have the right to find out exactly what’s going on.

For his financial issues, you and your wife need to insist that he go to a credit counsellor to sort out his financial mess and help him set up a payment plan to pay off his debts. There are free credit counselling services available if you look for them, and they will explain to your son the seriousness of his situation, and help him to dig himself out of it. And it is very serious. Credit cards charge interest rates of over 20%. That means that, even if he doesn’t put anything else on the card, the balance will continue to grow at a huge rate. If he owes $10,000 now, and isn’t making payments, he’ll owe twice as much in just over 3 years.

Since he is over the age of 18, he is legally responsible for his own debts. By simply ignoring his debts, he risks completely destroying his credit rating. This will make it impossible for him to buy a car or a house or anything else that requires having good credit. If he continues to ignore VISA and the student loan, these creditors will turn the matter over to collections agencies, who will take whatever steps are necessary to collect on the debts—including taking your son to court. (This could be the reason for that court case he has coming up.)

For the way your son is playing you and your wife against each other, you all need to see a family counsellor. Contact your local Family Services Association for help. Clearly, your son knows that all he has to do is threaten to leave, and he’ll keep getting his own way. When he does this, have you ever considered calling his bluff? What if, the next time he did this, you and your wife just said, “We’re sorry you feel that way. But we understand if you feel you can’t live here any more,” and then you and your wife got out the suitcases and started packing up his things, while telling him that if he chose to stay, he’d have to get the help he needs. Of course, you and your wife need to discuss this thoroughly (with a family counsellor) before you try doing it. You’d both need to be in full agreement on everything.

It’s very clear that your son’s mental health issues are causing these problems. Did you know that most people who have mental health issues do NOT go for help on their own? Most of them are brought in for help, by concerned family or friends…or the police. You and your wife love your son very much. Please help him to get the help he needs. And if he won’t get that help, then you and your wife need to get the help that YOU need in order to protect yourselves and your marriage.

Good luck!

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[kc5jck]

Trashman – your problems sound a lot like the problems my wife and I have had with our son who has ADD. Mess, deception, legal problems, drinking, trainwreck in school, arguments, family problems were all due to ADD. My ADD didn’t improve the situation. Living with friends for about six weeks after we kicked him out seemed to have been somewhat of a wake up call for him.

He got a job welding which he quit after about six weeks for another job which lasted about three months before his ADD lost him that job.

He started taking his Adderall and got back in school. Adderall has made an amazing difference. Things are going well for the present. We are hopeful that they will continue to improve.

Like with everything else, you’re not alone and you’re not the first with these problems.

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[trashman]

thank-you kc5jck and Larynxa, for all the advice.

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[Anonymous]

The advice given by Larynxa is solid advice, with the exception of the Legal issues. The person you need to work with in regard to the legal issues is NOT his assigned parole/probation or any law enforcement officer/DA, but initially a lawyer.

Educate yourself and make sure any potential medical partner knows what they are talking about, as there are quite a few who do not even understand basic neurology, much less the newer data and research findings. Also, put more weight behind advice from ADHD-specific professionals who will not compromise medication protocols by being half-scared to death of the DEA and that have ADHD or an ADHDer in their direct life. I have found that a majority of the time, these are the people who will help you in the most effective and knowledgable way.

Of course, there are MANY others that don’t fit into this category who are extremely helpful. My favorite therapist doesn’t fall into that category, but was passionate and knowledgable enough to help. Find someone who truly understands the situation, via real life experiences PLUS clinical experience, if possible. I am just being candid with my very extensive experience with this. I am sorry if this steps on any toes, as it is not the intention at all.

We will be here for you, ADHDers stick together because we have to.

-Mark K. (I was your son 10 years ago…keep your head up, all of you.)

PS. Sorry I rambled so much….

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[trashman]

thank-you Mark, my son will no share details. so then what can I do he is 21 years old.

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[Robbo]

I wish I could help trashman, but I’m just here to say stick with us, there are some very smart minds here. Brilliant minds. I’ll do what I can to help, and that is to simply care about you, your wife, and son.

You love them a lot, and bringing this problem here is proof. Please don’t give up, take excellent care of yourself first and foremost. You’ll be stronger to help your family.

Breath in breath out, relax, repeat. The answers will come.

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[trashman]

Thanks,Robbo it does help.

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[munchkin]

Trashman – hard issues all the way around – tough love had me more or less sleeping under a bridge, which I don’t recommend – but it does seem like your wife has trouble drawing limits. It’s near impossible to help someone who won’t help themself.

When I was in a similar position to your son, limits were drawn, but help was not offered. It must be so hard for your wife to deal with feelings of guilt – I think that’s pretty typical for parents of kids with problems, but more guilt or blame is not going to help this problem. Also the bond between mother and son is something that defies all logic.

He must decide to come clean and get help – but how can you influence that? Hard, hard… Maybe he doesn’t know what will happen if he tells you the truth about what’s really going on in his life. Maybe he’s afraid of losing what control he has over his life – only recently obtained. Maybe he still thinks he can things straightened out on his own…. but can he?

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[trashman]

thank-you Munchkin, very wise words indead.

thanks trashman

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[Anonymous]

Trashman, I just read about your frustration with your son. I don’t know if anyone of all of our guests and you know but there is a percentage of people with ADD/ADHD who LIE. It is also quite normal to live in a mess…to get into trouble. Please, if you are still visiting this website, go get the book/CD “Driven to Distraction” by Drs. Hallowell and Ratey and you will read all about your son. Once you understand this phenomena, give him the CD so he can listen to what is going on with him and will discover he isn’t “defective” but is gifted and wonderfully different…and remember too, people with ADD/ADHD are 30-40% less mental age than chronological age so your 21 year old son is actually working with the mental age of about 13 to 15…that’s why his room is a mess, he’s a kid in his mind…I pray you will see this post and make this discovery through the best ADD Bible there is in my opinion.

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[Wgreen]

Lying.

Mendacity doesn’t get a lot of ink in the forum, but it should. Lying can become an addiction, just like tobacco, gambling, and booze. My guess is that many ADDers invent their own “truth,” in the same way they fall victim to other impulsive behaviors. My father, who suffered terribly from ADD, raised it to an art form and flew into a blind rage when confronted. Most people fib from time to time, so it’s often unremarkable. But when it becomes habitual, red flags should fly. Before taking constant lies personally, people need to control their moral outrage, realize they might be symptomatic of a much larger, potentially debilitating problem, and help their friend/partner/family member seek professional help.

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[ipsofacto]

Here’s what I learned after sending my son with Aspergers/ADHD to college for four years.

Just because your child seems able to cope well at high school and while living at home, does not count for anything once they are on their own at collage. Once they leave the oversight and structure you provided at home, there is a high risk that everything will unravel.

The worst thing you can do, is to believe the talk the colleges give to parents about letting go and giving the kids independence. The colleges don’t like helicopter parents of course. You should make quite clear to the college that because of the disability and the high risk it presents, not only of academic failure, but also the of worsening co-morbidities like depression and anxiety, extra supervision is essential.

The collages make a big deal about your child’s privacy, but it is very easy for them to have your child sign a privacy waiver each year. The same is true of any medical facility on campus. They don’t like to offer this because it is more work for them. Don’t do any of this until your child has been accepted by the collage.

Once they leave college, you may still have to be involved if there is a need. Doctors, therapist, and even the workforce center (job center) can allow your child to sign privacy waivers so you can be part of the process. When it comes to therapist, they can use their discretion as to what they share with you, but you need to know the general situation.

These are things I didn’t figure out until after my son had finished his degree (or so we thought). Sorting out the aftermath was only possible because I became actively involved in dealing with the collage, doctors, therapist, and work agencies. My son did get a degree in Political Science in the end. A few years later, it’s still a case of constant monitoring, but it is getting better.

Bottom line is, accept that you may have to be actively involved in you child’s affairs right through college and beyond, just as you were when they were in high school and living at home.

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[allan wallace]

Does your lad have (m)any close friends, or a girlfriend? He knows that he’s screwed up in a big way because that’s why his lies ended up ensnaring him, no? Even if he’s not showing it he will be feeling bad about it, and as mad as you and your wife are at him, he’ll most likely be even angrier at himself, no? I’m not defending him, I just know what it’s like to be caught up in a tsunami of one’s own bullshit, and when facing the consequences…I used to hope for the ground to just swallow me up for I always felt gutted whenever I’d hurt or let somebody down…again! I think that some have mentioned that until he accepts that he needs help he can’t be helped is basically true. ‘Lead a horse to water’ and all that crap. God, I used to detest that saying 😆 I know from my perspective that my perceived uselessness was always compounded whenever I fucked up something simple over and over again. Like maxing out a credit card and eventually not paying it back just hoping that it would go away, or blowing cash that was meant for something important. To this day I’m still irresponsible with money, and just seem determined to spend it on whatever I can as soon as I can My wife looks after the finances…. 😈

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[allan wallace]

One more thing about the lying…there’s no point in telling lies for the hell of it, or to ‘impress’ people. The motive behind my lying was to avoid repercussions for errant behaviour, whether it was cheating, wasting money, gambling, or doing something that I wasn’t supposed to be doing. ie. somewhere else instead of being at work…

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