51 and guess what…?

…I’m adhd. On top of everything else. Just had the situation formally diagnosed.

I’ve suspected I had it ever since I was in grade school-hey, I was a reader- but hearing it confirmed after all these years really floored me.

I go between being excited and feeling apprehensive. Excited, because I’m eager to see how my life will be different; and maybe for the first time in my life I’ll be able to keep a job….and apprehensive, because I’ve made parts of this condition work for me really well over the years and there are times it’s just plain fun being like this.

I remember the hyperactive kids in school who took Ritalin. The non-stop spazzes (who were also smart and lots of fun to be around when they weren’t setting things on fire and wrecking the place) who left one year came back the next as skinny zombies who ended up in the ‘Special Ed’ classes and eventually dropped out. Yes, this was the 60’s and 70’s and yes, they overmedicated, didn’t have the experience with the issue that exists now, etc etc yes fine. There’s still a real sinister ‘Brave New World’ vibe attached to this issue in my mind.

I guess too that I’m afraid that what I’d always assumed were lifestyle choices will turn out to have been nothing but coping methods. The only things I want from this diagnosis is to gain the ability to remember appointments and hold a f****** job for longer than a year at a time…not to start voting Conservative, wearing sweater sets and going to Yankee Candle parties.