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A means to the end?

A means to the end?2014-08-05T12:10:16+00:00

The Forums Forums For The Non-ADD Relationships A means to the end?

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  • #125717

    Post count: 4

    Hello All,


    I need some help.  My boyfriend who I adore and want to be with has acts of impulsiveness.  And they are sexual.  I went to my lowest act ever and after I knew he was lying to my face checked his phone and saw emails.  He says he has not cheated on me, however I have seen the emails women, for hook ups.  He says he would have never hooked up “because of me”.  I know that this must be the stimulant or self medication he seeks.  However he is also secretive on his phone, and rarely will fill me in on who he is talking with or texting.  In my other relationships I could have cared less who they were talking to etc.  I don’t trust him.  There are many other ADD symptoms besides this, however this is the breaking point for me.  I have been trying to help him with CHADD, seeking an ADD coach, doctors, trying new medications, counseling, etc.  but I don’t know if I can look past this one.  And I sure don’t want to be living my life always wondering if he is going to cheat or hook up with others.  I may mention that he is divorced from his last ex, (who took no time to support his ADD or seek help) and he cheated on her 25 times during their 5 years together.  He was not medicated or dealing with his ADD at this time.  I haven’t thought at all he cheated on me because he told me “I was different” and try to help him with his ADD.  However in the past month I am starting to think otherwise.  He has been changing meds and the anger and irritability is horrible.  He blames me for making him angry.  Also I think he has been overwhelmed as I just bought a new house in order for us to start a life together, however it has required a lot of work and I think this has really affected his ADD.

    So I apologize that this is lengthy, but I am wondering if anyone else has experienced these types of actions from their ADD spouse or ex-spouse.  I don’t want to leave him and I truly believe with the proper help he can defeat this type of stimulation, however maybe I am wrong too.  Maybe its best for me to move on and face the fact that he may not ever change and sexual experiences may always be a type of “drug” for him.


    Post count: 1096

    Hello uglytoad – normally I like to see the good in people but….

    Based on what you said, my advice is to walk away right now. There are many reasons why you should walk away, but the main one hinges on your statement “I don’t trust him.”

    Any relationship is built on trust and also respect. He has done nothing to gain either your trust or your respect and he can’t respect you.


    ADHD is not an excuse to behave like a s**t – at least not once you’ve grown out of the teenage years.


    He will not change. Meds wear off and you can’t keep him on them 24/7. His behaviour might be made worse by the work the house needs, but it sounds like he behaved like that in the past.


    Walk away – find someone you can trust and share your life with in mutual love, trust and respect. If you don’t meet that person then live on your own and make nice friends. You don’t need to play second fiddle to lame excuses and someone’s bad behaviour.

    Sorry – this probably isn’t what you want to hear. Maybe as I get older I value our time on the planet more as it starts to run out. You don’t want to waste the best years of your life with someone you can’t trust.

    I am sure someone else will give different advice. You just need to be true to yourself – you deserve love and respect, not what you currently seem to have.


    Post count: 19

    I hope you are ready for some strong words, because I am more worried about YOU than I am about your partner. You are clearly a good and caring person who likes to take care of people you love.

    However, I hate to say this as someone who has ADD, but regarding your partner :

    1) Some impulsivity can be forgiven and forgotten — like eating a whole box of cookies and not remembering most of it.

    2) His other kinds of impulsive action can be life-threatening to you and dangerous for your sanity. His sleeping  around is bad for your self-worth and could give you a fatal or very serious disease.

    Please take care of yourself first. The odds are not good if you are depending on him to change for you.

    You are the only one who can protect yourself. He probably is not manipulating you on purpose. Rather, he is doing whatever he needs to feel some kind of balance.

    Having a close friend who went through this kind of relationship — and my getting dragged into dangerous situations because of it — I know that a person with this much dysfunction cannot be worried about your issues too.

    He may say he wants to be there for you. He may cry terribly when you talk about splitting up. However, this remorse is almost always temporary.

    You don’t even have to justify any choice to take care of yourself by explaining it to him. In fact, an explanation is not required and may be problematic for you.

    I haven’t had the same problems as you, but I’ve been very abused by my employers, who I tried to help to do better for many years. Seeing a therapist was a tremendous help to me in putting my own worth into perspective, vs. what my employers wanted me to think. None of it was really my fault.

    I truly hope this helps. Good luck.


    Post count: 4

    It sounds like your boyfriend may have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

    You  may not have thought of this because most people think that those with OCD are just neat freaks. However, there are different scenarios in which a person can have OCD.

    I found this out about two years ago when i started to develop disturbing thoughts that made me extremely guilty. Sounds weird right? Why would i feel guilty for not doing anything wrong? Anyways, it seemed like these thoughts has a mind of their own, i couldn’t control them no matter what i did. This led to me having extreme breakdowns. I also have reason to believe that it was one of the main reasons i developed Severe Depression. Eventually i couldn’t handle it anymore. I went to see a psychiatrist about it and he diagnosed me with OCD. This was a shock to me because i used to be one of those ignorant people that thought OCD only had to do with being clean. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

    The “Compulsive” part of OCD refers to irresistible urges,thoughts,actions, etc. against ones conscious wishes. Which is why i say that it seems your boyfriend has OCD. Before you ask “Is it possible to have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder AND Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?” The answer is, Yes. I’ve been diagnosed with both OCD and ADHD, and since i’ve been diagnosed everything has started making sense to me. I’m on medications for my disorders and my life has seriously turned around for the better.

    So, with all of that being said, I suggest talking to your boyfriend about going to see a Psychiatrist and getting prescribed medications that can help end these actions of his. This, however, is the best case scenario. The worst being that he may actually be a cheater. All you can do is try and find out.

    I hope this helps and the issue clears up. 🙂



    Post count: 25

    It sounds like y’all should sit down and have a serious talk and straight up ask him.Does he truly want to change and become a better person on that matter.After what answer he response i think you need to give him an ultimatum.Also I would ask him if he even hates how he is acting and what he does.But once you set him down to talk about all of that you have to be super blunt,cold,and not messing around seriousness.

    I have ADHD and like most gone though dark times with it.What made it so i finally changed to become better wasn’t pretty.It ended up taking something pretty huge to wake me up and realize what i was doing.

    They guy I’m with now gives me tough love when my adhd acts up and I start acting bad.When he does it I know he’s not joking and if i kept acting the way I did he wouldn’t put up with it and leave.Since I care about him more than any person I have in my life I listen and try super hard to change.

    Seeing someone for help with ADHD/ADD and being on meds can only help to a point.I’m on meds and see a doc about it but I still have my bad moments.So even if he starts on the correct meds and see the right doc.He might still flit with other chicks and all of that.

    Bottom line if all of that fails leave him because he’s bad news for you.


    Post count: 12

    His moral structure and attitude towards women (I.E. yourself) may transcend any ADHD, OCD or other acronym rich medical diagnosis.

    Even if he’s on the perfectly balanced medication; the top notch therapy, he may still exhibit what seems to be sociopath behavior, and/or an incredibly poor upbringing.

    I don’t know you and I don’t know him, but he sounds like a ‘RED FLAG’ manufacturing & distribution centre to me.

    If you can forgive lying and cheating and bursts of unpredictable anger to yourself (ultimately complete and utter disrespect), then maybe there is hope.

    Self preservation is your #1 priority.



    Post count: 19

    BTW, it took my friend several years to realize her man wasn’t going to behave differently enough or care about her needs enough to keep her safe.

    It took me several years to realize that putting up with an aggressively bad situation at work was harming me. It took me a year after I started seeing my therapist to get up the courage to resign my job and start working for myself.

    As my therapist advised me, some people are alarmed when you “leave the tribe” to follow your own path. That is their issue and not your concern. And, actually to my surprise, once I had committed to my path, very few people questioned it.

    Perhaps with a good adviser — minister, rabbi, friend, therapist, coach, women’s counselor, etc. — you could come to some clarity about what is best for you without having to put up with it for as long as I did and my friend did.


    Post count: 19

    Here’s an amazing article by Yashar Ali on women and “gaslighting.” It really helped me to separate what I was doing and feeling from what other people told me I was doing and feeling.


    Here’s an excerpt:

    “Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction — whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness — in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.

    My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, “You’re so sensitive. I’m just joking.”

    My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot down her performance and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know from these comments that Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says, “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”

    Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.”



    Patte Rosebank
    Post count: 1517

    @Uglytoad, there’s some excellent advice here.

    Like the other posters, I’m very concerned about the way your boyfriend’s behaviour is hurting you.

    And, that, with all the permanent/fatal STDs out there, his promiscuity is putting YOUR LIFE at risk.

    Even if he doesn’t give you an STD, what if he fathers a child, and has to support it until it grows up?

    His behaviour could destroy your future emotionally, physically, and financially.

    I can understand why you really want to help him with his ADHD (and whatever other issues he may have), but it sounds as if he’s using this as an excuse for his bad behaviour. If he won’t change (and remember, we ADDers have to really WANT to do something, before we CAN do it), then please get whatever help you need to, to end this relationship completely.

    You can’t save him unless he decides to do whatever it takes to save himself.

    But you CAN save yourself.


    Post count: 19

    So, uglytoad, I hope you are OK. Has anything new occurred?


    Post count: 906


    Most of what I would say has already been said here. But if you are still reading, I’d like to second what Scattybird said. ADHD is no excuse for that kind of behaviour. And neither is OCD, or any other disorder.

    It comes down to respect. If he truly respects you, he will stop. Just saying “but I never actually cheated, because of you” is not showing you respect. It’s intended to reasure you and make you feel like you are being respected while he gets to just continue doing whatever he wants.

    I know this is a little negative, but…… once a cheater, always a cheater. We all know the statistics and  it’s my opinion that cheating once, or even twice, should be forgivable. We all make mistakes, or give in to impulses, once in a while.  But 25 times? That is inexcusable. And even if he hasn’t cheated on you physically, he is already doing it mentally and emotionally by emailing and texting those other women.

    If it is a psychiatric condition then he needs help. But I don’t think you should place that burden on yourself. And I don’t think you should even consider letting him move into the house you bought until he has seriously and honestly made an effort to change. If you are determined to continue the relationship, then consider couples therapy. But be cautious. Don’t fall for any sweet talk. And don’t let him put you down or turn the tables and make it sound like it’s all your fault.

    In other words, don’t let him manipulate you, whether it’s deliberate or not.


    Post count: 2

    First time here …so here I go .

    I can totally relate, My newly diagnosed boyfriend for which I have been involved for 6 yrs is similar but not the same.

    We both left our other relationships to be together , for me it was the end a relationship that simply grew apart. I am not add and my ex-spouse is not add. For him, it was the advancement of a better life and the break from a relationship that grew cold and loveless.

    I have seen and feel some of the things you have been through. I entered into this relationship with the Idea of giving 110 percent and 110 I gave .  To my dismay and refusal to believe that my new partner could use and break my heart a million times.

    I know now – his impulsiveness is with the drama of chasing other women, the getting away with the lying , the manipulation and control of me.

    I went threw a lot and did not know what I was dealing with but now I see and understand things that have made life for me clearer. I will help him as much as I can with his /adhd but have made a clear decision that my life will be better if I move on.  It will take me a couple of years to prepare but my life will be better and less stressful. It is a horrible place to be when you pour your heart and soul into a relationship that just drains you emotionally.

    I wanted so badly for it to work out that I twisted myself into knots trying to satisfy his selfishness, putting him above myself and telling myself that ” if I love him enough he will see”, ” If i’m kind,loving nurturing enough he will treat me better” . Not the case….. :(!

    your not alone….. , im not alone ….it just unfortunate.

    tks for listing…. xo all.




    Patte Rosebank
    Post count: 1517

    @Helpwithboyfriend, 6 years is a long time, especially in an unhappy relationship. What made you see things clearly and decide to move on?

    When you say it will take “a couple of years to prepare”, what do you mean?


    Post count: 845

    @helpwithboyfriend  – “chasing other women, the getting away with the lying , the manipulation and control” doesn’t sound like ADHD to me.  He has other issues and you are right to get out of the relationship.

    Don’t go suffering any guilt trips because of your decision.  Get out.  The sooner the better.  Good luck.


    Post count: 2

    Larynxa & kc5jck ,

    I appreciate your feedback, Yes 6 years is a long time .  In the process of dealing /living with him and having a highly demanding job I got job burnout, and developed anxiety. The reason it will take me a while to move on is I put all the investments and money I had for retirement into getting us a new house in the country. I need financial time. I am learning what is setting off my anxiety at home and other and learning the techniques to deal with it. Plus, learning about what he has.

    We had a big melt down, over how to defrost ice that was in two buckets that were left outside. It was then that I decided to take my engagement ring off .  I Just had enough. But I am so proud of myself for standing up for myself in the process. Normally, I would internalize the anger and frustration just to keep the peace.(very damaging).

    Since the ring is off he has been different, and actually is trying to learn about Adhd and is going to go back on medication ( has been off for at least 10 months) he was taking vyvanse.

    I believe he also has ODD Oppositional Defiance Disorder, which besides the clutter , ignorant words, and controlling behavior adds a whole other extremely difficult level.

    There was a time that I thought we had the world by the ass and there was nothing we couldn’t do , but I know now that I am still capable but need a different lifestyle than one that leaves me exhausted, used up and mistreated.

    Imagine ADHD and ODD in a child.

    Now imagine, lack of education,lack of a good nurturing home.

    In fact, imagine a child hood of abuse and partying from alcoholic family members and seeing your mom getting beaten. Sexual abuse of this child by an uncle at a age 3-5.

    Now imagine, that child is a man and 50. In his second relationship. had no idea for 48 years he had ADHD, and works in a course/ cowboy type environment for most of those years.

    How does he get a loving nurturing life with a woman, when he has no clue what that is. I have been banging my head up against the brick wall for so long that I think it’s now flat on one side. lol!!

    Here is the bright side, I know more about myself and how strong I really am. I believe I have influenced him for the better and have helped him see that there is a better way to live , even if it has been in small glimpses. I know that god will see each of us through this whether it be together or apart.

    I love the videos, and we are going to see Dr Chokka at the ADHD centre again, yaha!

    I know he needs more than what I can do or give…. this is why its time for me now.

    thanks again!! for listening . xo






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