Abusive partner/Attracted to Dangerous People

[ceit]

Anyone else recognize this behavior?

About 2 years ago, my relationship with my son’s dad ended. I’d say I left, but he left (that time) and I walked away and cut him out of my life instead of keeping contact and then getting back together.

He’s an addict, criminal, brain injury sufferer and possibly has multiple personality issues. He’s also intelligent, charismatic and a brilliant artist. As soon as I met him, I was hooked. We were soul mates. Fated. We both felt this way.

I should explain more. I come from a nice suburban white middle class family. There was addiction in my home growing up, but also lots of love and good parenting. My ex is First Nations, grew up with violence, abuse and crazy chaos. With all these differences, we still clicked right away and fell in love soon after.

But the whole relationship was based on fantasy. He was obviously using constantly and I chose not to see it. I was very aware of crimes he was committing. I even worked on the other side of the law at one point. My life with him was dangerous and I think I almost enjoyed the drama. He went to jail for a time and I took him back. Somehow the adrenaline rush of the constant bailing him out and taking him to the hospital was appealing? I don’t know. Now that I’m away from it, I’m trying to come to terms with the role I played in the relationship. I want a healthy relationship with someone new. I’ve looked at previous partners and others have also had addiction issues and been a bit dangerous. I guess I feel like it would be so simple to blame it all on ADD. But even if that is the problem, how the heck is a normal guy going to hold my interest? I can’t see myself going back to a man like him. Now I’m a single mom and my son’s well-being comes first. I will not allow him to be exposed to that kind of craziness.

Anyway, does this ring a bell for anyone else?

Thanks

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[Wgreen]

This one, as it relates to ADHD,is above my pay grade. What a tangled mess!

But I will say this: the development over thousands of years of our highly developed frontal lobes and the resulting ability to self-regulate our emotions and organize towards the future is one of the most impressive—and unique—characteristics of the human personality. It not only has allowed humans to cooperate with each other in ways that have allowed civilizations to emerge, it has enabled humans to set ambitious goals and execute long-term plans, thereby making possible the evolution of a highly complex middle class.

ADHD affects the frontal lobe. It impairs our self-control and our ability to set and achieve objectives over time. To the extent that any person is unable to avail him/herself of these quintessential human graces, his/her ability to participate fully in the intimate life of a family—predicated on love, trust, and mutual obligations—and successfully navigate the modern economy is obviously compromised. And that often spells (serious) trouble.

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[blackdog]

 

You hit the nail on the head. ADDers are adrenaline junkies. Anything that causes a spike in adrenaline and gives us the stimulation that our brains need appeals to us.

There is also something about women that just makes us more attracted to dangerous men. The whole moth and flame thing. Plus, love can make anyone do crazy things. Like the old saying goes, love is blind.

I know exactly what you mean about the problem of finding a “normal” guy who can hold your interest. Mine bores me stiff. But there are “normal” guys out there who are more interesting. I think you already described what you want: Intelligent, Charismatic, Brilliant Artist…All the things you loved about your ex. Those are the things you need to look for, minus the negative stuff.

Good luck. 🙂

(I have no idea why this post is all in big italicized letters. It just happened and I don’t seem to be able to change it. )

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[lisa73]

I’m new to this site. Looking for answers and finding that others are having very similar issues. I have recently begun to understand that my acceptance of my boyfriend’s behavior as well as my inability or unwillingness to hold onto grudges is all because of ADD. I just don’t seem to store vital things as I should. I’m only now, six years into this relationship, considering that I should leave. I’ve even had people ask me why I put up with him. (He’s not physically abusive, but he’s an alcoholic and yada yada–not going to make excuses for him).Oh, yeah, I’m 50 and was only diagnosed in the last year. I could go on about how I wish I knew this growing up and quitting school and losing jobs, but I’m sure most can relate to that too. Thanks. L

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[friendlymathematician]

I may enjoy a little excitement once in a while, but on the whole, I avoid risky situations and people with a high probability of being dangerous or causing drama. If it causes a mess in my life, I’m going the opposite direction, including people.

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[Author]

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