ADD and holds grudges

[Anonymous]

After reading all these posts, I’m realizing how much I’m learning about ADD, and how much farther I have to go.

I’m notorious for holding grudges, I always say I hold a grudge like a Mafia Don! An example: back when I was in the ninth grade I had a teacher who seemed to take particular delight at making fun of me in front of the class, saddling me with a hurtful nickname, and being verbally abusive. And I quietly took it, never telling my parents, and seething inside. I swore I would get even with this teacher, who I’m not afraid to name, Victor Dikaitis. Now this was in 1968, 42 years ago, and I’ve figured out a thing or two since then. First of all, Dikaitis was a young, inexperienced teacher at the time, so he obviously didn’t know what he was doing. Secondly, he’s probably retired or dead by now, so he’s probably forgotten all about me, so my grudge hurts me more than it will ever hurt him. Thirdly, now that I’m aging the grudge is getting weaker and weaker, to the point where I hardly think about it at all. Fourthly, I definitely know I had ADD at the time, so I certainly wasn’t helping my cause any.

I think grudges tend to recede and die off with time and changing life circumstances. I still hold grudges, but my grudge against Dikaitis is the “gold standard” of grudges for me. I’ll never ever forgive that SOB for the way he treated an innocent child back then, and I hope he’s gotten his comeuppence since then.

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[Ivriniel]

Generally, I do have the “doesn’t hold grudges” thing. I’m like one of my six year old students. I can be really pissed off with someone but then an hour later interacting with them like nothing happened.

They have to do something really awful before I’m not able to do that.

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[Anonymous]

Bob L – I taught with Mr. Victor Dikaitis, and I am sure it is the same person. He was my Principal. In truth, it sounds like not a lot has changed since your experience. He continues to be involved in education, usually at the administrative level and usually in northern aboriginal communities.

I am sorry for what you went through. NO child should have to deal with that kind of behavior.

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[Anonymous]

no, I dont hold grudges. I found out way too long ago that I pay too much physically with the stress and there is always something for me to learn. . Why is this kind of thing considered an ADD issue? ADD may confuse the sutuation, however isn’t there the contex of the issue that is beyond,principals and interigy should play a bigger part in out conduct with others More than grudges, I get so crazy trying to be understood. Got to let go of the ovious, way beyond my control to change others………….

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[Anonymous]

When you hold a grudge, the person you are angry with is occupying space in your head rent free.

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[Anonymous]

Holy crap. That is the most profound and funnies thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Thanks for that.

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[MarkJ]

Like many other aspects of ADHD, there seems to be a dichotomy in the whole “holding grudges- being angry” issue. Just like our inability and ability to focus on details, emotionally, it seems there are times when we really sweat the small stuff and times we don’t at all. The real crap hole here is that sweating the small stuff makes us look insane and and not sweating small stuff makes us look like we don’t care.

As for myself, I noticed that I only hold a grudge after that certain line is crossed. An anger and rage as fierce and fiery as the Balrog Monster of Lord of the Rings movie (goggle it) can erupt and make its presence known. And hours could be spent going over certain events and how they should have gone and what should have been said… re-viewing, assigning blame, justifying, etc….

ADHD’ers seem to develop a tough skin over time. I know I’ve let thousands of unpleasant and unflattering remarks about me slide of my back… I’ve been unfairly painted with a pejorative paint brush only to swipe it aside… And yet there are people who stung me so bad, they hang on Grudge Hollows Hill to this day. Most of them hang there because they’ve exploited my condition against me in someway…in a deeply painful way. And it’s especially painful when you yourself are unaware that you’ve have a condition that is exploitable. So they end up banished….

I wonder if getting all wound up and angered is something that could be addictive for the ADHD’er? Could spending copious amounts of time re-visiting strong grudges and getting all worked up be another way the ADHD brain seeks to release adrenaline, to stimulate the neuropathways in order to “feel normal”? Albeit a physically and mentally unhealthy way.

My Grandmother and Aunt lived together for some time, they both fit the ADHD profile. As a kid, I would ride my bike over to visit them often. Particularly in the time in the summer. They lived near a park and a McDonald’s.

Anyways…as a kid, one of the things that often perplexed me about them was how they could both spend hours complaining about the neighbours and the injustices, constantly re-living and comparing varying events of stupidity. It makes more sense now.

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[MarkJ]

I hold the strongest grudges against the people in my life who have exploited my condition against me in someway. Its hard for a lot of people to understand how scaring it is. How deep the pain resonates within you when you don’t know the source. When you keep hitting one disaster after another and you can’t figure out why? It messes with you. At 34, I find out I am in possession of a condition that it is exploitable in so many ways. I know I’m talking dark side of the condition and I know that others are discoving this at older ages….and I know I am doing my best doggie paddle over to the light and more rewarding side of ADHD. But while in the dark, it seems to me that ADHD’ers are a little more susceptible to “being taken for rides” by others. And it’s often the unforeseen cost of a mis-adventure that ends up giving birth to the strongest grudges. Even though ADHD’ers let a lot of things slide I think it’s easy for ADHD’ers to build up and stew around in a few grudges.

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[Anonymous]

I tuened holding grudges into a science foor years then all of a sudden it dawned on me none of it really mattered. What I find helpful is commiting myself to somethinng worthwhile and comparing my emotional state with accomplishing my goals if they do not contribute I reexamine my committment to my goals if I find it hard to let go the hurt. The latter assesment does wonders to get me “back on track.”

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[Anonymous]

I’m not holding any grudges… just working out the details of my master plan to get even with the last several bosses I had who didn’t understand my genius and positive contributions to their organizations. Man, will it feel so good to watch them suffer! But its not a grudge thing… I don’t think….

Actually when my last boss let me go, I determined that no matter what, I wasn’t going to hold him responsible. That I’d own it all, and remain friends with him. I’ve had several folks tell me I had reason to take offense to his treatment. But I’m not going there… not this time… I don’t feel noble, I don’t feel any better than any other time I lost a job. It sucks looking for another. I have an amazing family that I let down by not being able to keep a job, but I’m going to keep moving forward. I may never receive any grace for my ADD, but I’m going to extend it.

I’ll let you know how it goes….

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[dspicelady]

It has to be something pretty significant for me to hold a grudge. Mostly, I end up forgetting the misjustices committed against me, or I end up thinking I somehow created the problem. But….if it’s really big or if something happens too many times, it’s done. There definitely is a line and once it’s crossed, it can’t be uncrossed. I don’t know if I’d call it a grudge. That person is just out of my life.

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[Anonymous]

I love some of the analogies given for the severity of their grudge holding capabilities. Mine is that I hold a grudge like a terorist. I’d said it for years and years but thats not the point.

One thing not mentioned which maybe a large contributing factor is that individuals who were recently diagnosed as adults or have just become aware of ADD/ADHD in themselves may percieve things a little different then someone who has been aware of their ADD/ADHD from childhood. Another thought to put into the thinking machine is that if you were just recently diagnosed, have you recieved any kind of treatment yet? Or perhaps if you have knowingly lived with ADD/ADHD all your life and have recieved treatment or still continue to recieve treatment you may feel different as well.

Maybe its because i’m so new here and dont want to appear a certain way, but I was thinking in my case that i’ve only known for a month and a half maybe two whole months now, and have only been getting treatment for it since Jan 15th. So I think that a before and after gives a much better painted picture of the true nature of how things are with us.

Before treatment, I was able to hold a grudge like a terorist and would even warn people using that exact phrase. I would say it jokingly but meant it down to my rotten core. I’d over think past situations and would get all worked up. The fact that its all in the past means that I couldnt do anything about it. Thinking and re-thinking the different possiblities, and outcomes with now way to resolve them made it worse.

After diagnosis, and starting treatment, my grudge holding abilities are bad that I dont think I could be upset with someone for more than a couple of days. Nothing really bad has happend to me since I started treatment but I still have a long road ahead (sorry for the half empty glass there, its almost time for my Adderall). The grudges I held against people in the past are not so much a factor in my life, for once in my life the ADHD driven part of why I would do what i’d do is no longer dictating how I live.

I dont know if that makes sense or not.

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[Anonymous]

Markj & Kylep & Miguel,

All three of your posts struck me for so many reasons….

Markj- Because I was uneducated about ADHD I allowed myself to become exploited as well

Kylep- Again because of lack of knowledge regarding my subtype of ADHD and my x spouses type at the age of 48 I did not intervene regarding her grudge and hyperfocussing issues that it not only affected 2 people during a divorce it effects to this day all our children.

Miguel-Wow what can I say……. If Egypt doesn’t come to mind now regarding your insight as an ADHDer and the effects of grudges and what should and could be done about them before an explosion errupts like what is happening in the middle east should truly open the eyes of those that cannot see beyond the horizons like that of an ADHDer And u posted 1 month ago!

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[Author]

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