add and social skills

[Anonymous]

won’t lie have not read all post but, feel the isolation. I used to have a very busy social life not I seem to have ducked out. compounded by an ADHD unfriendly relationship…now ended, and a physical disbility diagnosed the year before my ADHD. I feel that I can’t have conversations, as the innattention has increased and I often find myself sayin ‘where was I’ or ‘what did I say’, the chopy changyness is cool when you are a teenager, but as my group of people have settled down I appear dopey, inarticulate and that just isn’t true. All in all it makes me self concious, I am a gifted adult who cannot express myself clearly and when people try and speed me up it gets worse.

Ashamed to say I just stop trying, I am giving it another try at the moment after about four or more years

……so here goes

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[Anonymous]

Rhetorical? Not sure what you are asking there. Too many definitions of the word. I was trying to keep things short as I tend to waffle. I wasn’t really replying to anyone in particular, or asking anything. Just sharing my social tendencies. I can understand curiosity. It gets me into plenty of trouble

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[Laura]

Damnyoud, I was the same way!

I was painfully shy, but then around 12 or13 I began asking myself, what the heck are all these people talking about? I thought it had to be ground-breaking/earth-shattering insights in order to actually speak and how are all these people coming up with this stuff? Well, I just started observing (like no-dopamine!) …like a social science experiment. You know what I discovered…they were talking about nonsense! Something funny their cat did, losing their shoe…they would also sometimes lean in and laugh to sort of encourage the response they hoped for…and the listeners loved it! They laughed and joined in with their own stories!

So I experimented…and it worked! Whoo hoo! Now I could say whatever popped into my head! Oh, yea, I screwed up, too. Sometimes people would look at me like I was from Mars. I just added that to my list of “what NOT to say”.

Now, what I still have problems with is keeping in touch with old friends that live far away. Why don’t I DO that?!?! I’m great if I have to see you (like through work or church) but to actually get in touch with someone I haven’t heard from in a while is rough! Or just to get together without some purpose — can’t seem to just meet for the heck of it! Then I feel guilty. Ugh…One more thing to work on in therapy… 🙄

Do you all know of a book for ADD’ers practicing social skills? Not just the generalities (like a chapter in a book) but the nitty-gritty? I need one!

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[Anonymous]

Laura, I have trouble getting in touch with people, too. I can do it if I want to make a lunch date or something, but I a don’t like to call just to say ‘hello, how are you’ — I have a lot of baggage — I grew-up feeling like I always said the wrong thing and that no body wanted to be BOTHERED with me. So, if I call somebody I must be bothering them and saying something stupid.

I know that this is not true, but the feeling remains. I have taken to just making myself pick up the phone and call somebody at least once a week. It is not enough, but at least months and months don’t go by without contacting someone. It seems to get easier over time, but I still have the feeling that I am keeping someone from doing something more important.

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[Anonymous]

Here are 12 simple tips for improving “small talk” skills in a business situation but they could also apply in many other social situations http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/Careers/03/03/small.talk/index.html

Also, here’s a preview (Google books) of a book called The Fine Art of Small Talk http://books.google.com/books/about/The_fine_art_of_small_talk.html?id=Xagm5g4GKYsC – check your local library (I just put one on hold). It’s still about business relationships but the skills can be applied to other situations without a profit motive. Among other things, she talks about two primary objectives to becoming better conversationalists:

1. Take the risk – it’s up to you to start the conversation, don’t wait for others to start it
2. Assume the burden – come up with topics to discuss, remember people’s names & introduce them to others, relieve awkward moments or fill in the pauses so that people will feel comfortable talking with you.

For ADDers, I suspect we overdo the last part, filling in the gaps – I know I do. So I need to be mindful of running-off-at-the-mouth.

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[Robbo]

I know this is an older page, but I’m glad I found it. Lot’s of great advice that I can use, and I didn’t have to start a new topic about social skills struggles. I never really developed social skills, for a lot of the same nature/nurture reasons that don’t really matter now. I’m into the solution now. Not the cause. My lack of long term friendships has a lot of the same reasons of some of you guys. That’s part of the cause of my depression. ADHD is the main cause of my depression. I may have to always take them, but I’m taking less depression medz and starting (slower than I want to ) on the ADD medz.

I’m also finding that the solution is just as no_dopamine, toofat, and others say. For me to try to keep my focus and attention on the other people, really pay attention, not think as much about what I want to talk about. Or me at all. More listening, remembering names, and common courtesy like introducing people. That helps me memorize names too. I’ll check out those links. I never really learned “social skills” that’s not a crime! It’s part of undiagnosed ADHD and other similar struggles.

So many times when I restrain myself from talking about what seems urgent enough to interrupt someone, five minutes later (If I remember it) it turns out to be not that interesting. Sometimes it helps to have a scratch pad just to doodle a little, n write stuff instead of saying it. But still show real interest in the other person, genuinely have interest too. My planner comes in handy for that, getting the planner out if I’m making plans for later with the person I’m talking to, gives me an excuse to have it there on my lap. And I try to be discreet about scribbling my endless ideas down. Remembering to show up for plans I make with friends would have helped me hold on to a lot of good friends I’ve had over the years. I can relate to Krazy Kat a lot!, that’s where the planner comes in handy. Especially on the phone. I can write down things people say that are important for me to remember. (family, health issues, and worries people have. things I do care about, but forget to ask about next time we talk) I never thought about putting this much work into keeping good friendships. Now that I’m older, it’s more important because for whatever reason, the ADHD symptoms, like being forgetful are more glaring, and work like a new friendship repellent sometimes.

I have to just accept the fact that not everyone is going to like me also. Let that go, don’t trip on it!

It’s a bummer waiting to get the right medication that will make it more possible to actually do these things, restrain myself. Actually use the planner!

In the meantime I’ve got tons and tons of good encouragement to read here.

Thanks gang, some of this is a lot like therapy, really good therapy.

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