A(dd) Day In The Life…

[Anonymous]

Trying to communicate to family about this after having them watch “ADD And Loving It.” My sister thinks I “lean on it” too much. I’m going through a divorce, business and financial things are on thin ice. I’m seeing a therapist (mostly about divorce issues) and am on medication, but I’m still STUCK and trying to communicate anything that will allow my family understand me. I need to help myself… but I simply don’t know where/how to start. Feedback appreciated.

From the e-mail:

“Now, I’m overloaded. I’ve felt that way for quite a while, (years) but it’s SO hard to explain what that means. I owe it to myself to try if I hope to get any real help from professionals, family, friends, etc. The best way to try conveying that to you is to share what I’m feeling physically, mentally and what has gone on today… which is like so many other days.

I got the kids off to school and parked in my lot at 9:20, and turned the car off. Opened my door and realized I had a check (investment fee) that I needed to deposit. Drove to the bank, deposited the check requesting $40 cash back. Teller said no cash because account is overdrawn. She showed me detail. Last week, I made a payment to AMEX through their online banking… but had also (one day later) made a payment on the AMEX site. Even with the deposit, account was still overdrawn, so I had to go back to the office, get a checkbook for another account, and go back to the bank to make that deposit. Started looking for a checkbook, decided I wanted coffee, made a pot, and sat down at my desk at 9:40. Checked my e-mail, saw this from you, and started my reply. I remembered I may have some $ in the account where XXX’s car loan and personal credit card of mine is, so I checked that. I made a payment to that card. Then I remembered I had an e-mail started to XXX regarding the divorce and started working on that. Then I remembered that the ADD web site may have an explanation of why so many people think they might have ADD. I found the video and pasted the link into this e-mail. (I’m guessing I did this at about 10:30.) I remembered I made coffee, so I went to pour myself a cup. Walking back to my desk I saw a pile of papers I started going through yesterday, so I separated them according to “to pay,” “to read,” or “to do.” I spent about 20 minutes on that and then thought of the checkbooks I wanted to gather, but then (because of checkbooks) I remembered that XXX’s school lunch had to be paid for, so I logged onto the school site and paid it through the end of the year (so I wouldn’t get another call from the school.) The school site shows what XXX had for lunch each day, and I remembered that XXX missed XXX’s last appointment with the nutritionist (and it’s been quite a while) and I should make one that I would take her to. Thought it was a good idea to take XXX’s lunch record to the nutritionist, so I copied it and put it into an Excel spreadsheet. I thought I had made a folder for XXX’s food stuff in my computer, but couldn’t remember where and couldn’t easily find it… so I made another one and saved the file there. (Around 11am) Went back to this e-mail, and as I type this sentence, it’s 12:24pm.

This day will continue. I will think of many other things I have to do. I’ll start on something, remember something else, and so on, and so on and so on… then it will be 6 O’clock. I don’t have the kids tonight, but we left there in a rush this morning, so it’s a bit of a mess. I really should go home, clean up, and do some laundry because I don’t want them to come in to a mess when they’re with me tomorrow night.

Now, I’m really feeling anxious because I know I need to finish this e-mail and try to get some work done. Are there any prospects I can call? Are there client’s I should contact to set up a review? I should call the local radio station where I did my XXX and see if I can use their studio to XXX, just in case I need something to send… it’s now 12:34.

I have been taking $ out of my ROTH IRA just to pay the basic bills. I’ve got about $XX,000 left (of $XX,000.) When I mentioned to my attorney (that I hired to guide me through the mediation) a couple weeks ago that bankruptcy was a possibility, she said my FIRST step should be scheduling a meeting with a bankruptcy attorney, but I need information from XXX she was supposed to give me yesterday, but didn’t. It’s clear that if ANYTHING needs to be done regarding the bankruptcy or divorce, I will have to do it. I CANNOT rely on XXX, for any “help” to get either of these things done. Whether she is either incapable or unwilling (or both) is irrelevant, as I’m still in the same position. Do I meet with the bankruptcy attorney alone? I think I will! Should that encompass both the personal side AND the business? I guess I’ll find out. Once that is done, and I know the options, I will file for divorce (if I don’t end up in the nut house myself between now and then.) It’s 1pm.

One more thought… I AM on ADD meds (a stimulant) and have been for almost 2 1/2 years. I went to my GP recently. My heart rate was 120, and my blood pressure was (I think) 150 over 90. Dr. said I should stop meds, so I did. My heart rate is usually high (88-100 the past few years) anyway, and my BP has been “slightly” elevated on occasion, but the 150/90 & 120 were taken on a VERY stressful day. From the time I started the meds, I have been monitored closely and hadn’t caused the Dr.’s any concern until recently. My self-diagnosis is stress. Emotionally and financially, I feel completely overwhelmed. Being strong for the kids when they seem sad or confused, dealing with XXX, not being able to function at work, being tired of the burden I’ve become to you and my friends, getting sick of myself as a pathetic whiner, not knowing where or what to start, and not even knowing how to GIVE UP. That’s where I am at this point.

(I’ve re-read, added, and subtracted from this e-mail. It’s now 1:39pm. I have to REALLY force myself NOT to re-read this one more time… But I did want to copy and paste it into a Word document so I could have it for future reference with Dr.’s etc. It’s 1:44, and I’m pushing “send.”)

Second E-mail to Family

PS Just saw something else you said that I forgot to respond to. I appreciate your honesty with your opinion that I “lean on it way too much.” I don’t want ADD to be an excuse for anything but I think it has to be considered when trying to come up with a SOLUTION. If somebody is missing a leg, they could use that for an “excuse” as to why they can’t ski down the mountain. To come up with a solution, the problem has to be identified and/or accepted. (Granted, a missing leg is a little easier to see or accept than ADD.) One person’s solution is to learn how to balance and ski on one ski. Another person’s solution is to be fitted for a “ski leg” prosthetic. They both have the same problem, but each came up with a solution that worked for them.

I certainly can’t convince you or anyone else that ADD is a problem for me, and if you don’t believe it I really am OK with that. Let’s say my real issue is that I’m “stuck,” “overwhelmed,” “lazy,” “stupid,” “crazy,” “unlucky,” or some combination of those. There are several potential (clear) solutions, and I DO SEE THEM! I need to get a divorce, set goals, consider a career change, file bankruptcy, etc. Knowing what I need to do and SYSTEMATICALLY going from A to B to C to get them done is THE problem. Understanding THAT, whether ADD has anything to do with that or not, is the only way anyone can help me find the solution I seem unable to find on my own. Hope that makes sense.

I started this after I sent my last e-mail to you, and it’s now 2:45. I get so wrapped up in trying to communicate to you guys (and partly to analyze my own behavior for myself) that it is impossible (or it feels that way to me, anyway) to tear myself away from writing this f’ing email, even when I know I should! I AM NOT looking for sympathy by telling you this. This is simply the way it is, whether I like it or not… AND I DON’T! My feelings of guilt and shame about my M.O. are HUGE, but in doing so, I am being completely honest with you guys and myself. (I also plan to print this all out for my next therapy appointment.) It’s now 3:03pm. (Had to re-read.) It’s now 3:05.

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