addiction-my old nemesis

[Anonymous]

I apologize in advance, this may get long..it’s somewhere between a whine and a confession…

Just in time for the holidays, ya know, when it’s supposed to be al family and goodness and feeling warm and fuzzy? Addiction again rears it’s ugly head.

I have struggled with sex addiction since I was 16. Logically I know why. It stems from the ADHD and from a poor self-image from childhood.

I lost my virginity at 16, and quickly learned that I could use sex to feel loved and valued (I was NOT getting that at home) Thus began a long downward spiral of promiscuity and failed relationships. I loved (still love) the ‘chase’. The best part of a relationship was the first few months. The flirtation, grabbing their interest, showing just how far I would go for them, and the first month or so together when the sex was insane.

Unfortunately for those left in my wake, after the ‘new’ wore off, I was bored. i was on to the next conquest before I even broke off the current relationship.

I look back on the things I did in the height of my addiction and I am ashamed. My ‘magic number’ is too high (in my opinion) for someonemy age. Heck, if i’m totally honest, my number is a bit fuzzy, because i lost count somewhere. I took too many risks, and hurt too many people. I nearly ruined a marriage because of my addiction.

So now, I’ve had about 2-3 years sober, and I have done well. i have felt great, very empowered with my ADHD diagnosis and my newfound resistance to temptation. I wasn’t even tempted, the desire was just gone. I met an amazing man, fell in love, got married, and all was well…untill the last 2 weeks.

Now the addiction is back with a vengance. it’s like it’s trying to make up for lost time or something.

The last thing I want to do is hurt my husband or ruin my marriage. He is an amzing human, and he really ‘gets’ me. But it is taking EVERYTHING I have inside to resist the addict side of me.

The ‘normal’ side of me wants nothing to do with anyone else, and is perfectly happy (blissfull, even!) with my husband.

The addict in me wants desperately to go back to my old ways. And alread has to a point… I’ve started flirting with an old fling, saying stuff I know I shouldn’t, sending him pictures, and obsessing about ‘the old days’ and fantasizing about what could have been or what could be.

I don’t know why this has happened again. I have been faithfully taking my ADD meds, nothing has changed in my personal life…maybe it’s stress? I just don’t know, and it’s hurting me. I feel like I have NO control over my mind right now.

Ok…thanks for the ‘confessional’…

Happy Holidays everyone!

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[trashman]

hi, I have to tell you I know how you feel , but I am being a man on the other side of the table. if he already knows of your struggles from the past and if you can be honest with him tell him of the present struggles. he will be willing to help you through this hard time? I have been the one hurt by that kind of life choices that ended my first marriage after one week of marriage. we came home from our honey moon broke.I went to work and she went to a dance to chase the boys.it to another six months of hell till I finely lost the dream and gave up .that still hurts just thinking about it even after me being remarried for 23.5 years to a god est who should have ended up with someone better then me. ( lucky me) . this is just a small part of things to think of. hope it helps .hoping you make the right decision.

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[Author]

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