ADD/Love/Dating

[Anonymous]

I am a recently diagnosed with ADHD and am currently taking Wellbutrin Extended Release to minimize the symptoms. I have evidently had it all of my life but had been self medicating with big doses of Caffeine. The worst symptoms began to surface when I had a Kidney Stone and the Urologist told me to stop the Caffeine. I quite the Caffeine cold turkey. As soon as I quite the symptoms rushed in like a pack of wild animals after a raw piece of meat. As luck would have it about that time I was reading several books on ADHD due to a concern I had that my 5th grade son might have it.

At the time I was engaged to be married to a wonderful woman. We were having a wonderful relationship, or so I thought, up until the symptoms really kicked in. She was very sensitive and began to try to explain to me how the symptoms (I didn’t know it then) were effecting our relationship. She actually reported that she really enjoyed the variety of our activities and my impulsive fun nature. Since I had always been very successful in my work as an educator and K-12 Principal of a public school I had just assumed that I was normal. However, the ADHD caused sever strain in our relationship. We eventually broke up for several reasons, among them the ADHD.

I have re-arranged the way I work over the last few months with the help of a wonderful executive assistant and a fantastic leadership team. I have also seen the symptoms diminish and have worked very hard to put systems in place to help me minimize the symptoms. Put simply, I am better now at my work and my relationships than I have ever been. I also feel better than I have ever felt in my 40 year existence. It is so wonderful to lay down at night and not have racing thought. It is equally wonderful to engage completely in a conversation with someone and think only of that conversation!!!! I now have so much hope and am starting to tap into the potential that I always had within me. I was always mildly successful but previously was trying to work a desk job as a sales manager (this was a horrible job for me with ADHD). My job as a Principal is the perfect job for me with ADHD because of the varied activities required. Now I feel like I have things well under control and on the right track, with one exception.

I am now dating and falling in love with a wonderfully kind, loving, caring, beautiful woman. We absolutely enjoy each other so very much and I feel as if she is “the one.” She was actually one of my colleagues who helped me realize that something was in fact wrong. Since seeking treatment and getting a diagnosis, I have read everything I can get my hands on about ADHD and relationships. One of my great concerns is ever hurting this precious woman. I never want to do anything that would hurt her or damage our relationship. I realize that I will sometimes fall short through my own inattentiveness or lack of focus and my ADHD. However, I do want to minimize that in this, what I deem, as the most significant relationship of my life. Put simply, I want to do this right for a change. I don’t want to screw this up. I am particularly concerned about the whole issue of Hyperfocus. Right now I do seem to be very focused on this relationship. I actually find myself holding back some of my affection and second guessing myself due to my awareness that the hyperfocus might be a problem. I am being very cautious and deliberate to move slowly into this relationship.

Do any of you out there have advice on a good way to deal with the whole Hyperfocus issue?

Right now I can’t imagine that I will ever lose focus of this wonderful creature that I have been blessed with. I want to make sure that is the case and be ready to deal with the situation should it arise.

Regards

ADHD Principal

P.S. My own diagnosis and treatment has given me much insight into my students and made me a better Principal.

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[Anonymous]

First, tell her what to expect. I got my partner ADHD For Dummies, which he says has helped him a lot with understanding some of my more wacky behaviours.

You need to talk to her about this stuff. She needs to be aware of the way ADHD affects you, and ALSO what you are doing to manage it. Let her know what your concerns are. If you hold bak affection, she’ll notice and it will make her insecure, which will lead to bigger problems down the track. Taking it slow is good, but she needs to know what you’re doing and why.

My psychiatrist told me that these sorts of issues, where it becomes a bit of a clash, are ones that we need to work on together as a couple if we want it to work. Compromise requires both parties to meet in the middle, not just you trying to mitigate your symptoms while she wonders what’s going on

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[JimC.]

I’m in the same boat, – a new relationship that I desperately don’t want to damage in any way. I too am taking the same steps as you; one thing I am doing to de-intensify the focus is to take days where I can do the things I like and that she doesn’t do. In my case, a few days away skiing or a full day and evening away cycling. She needs her space and so do you – take time away and go play with friends or go to conferences etc, but take time away. Give yourself permission to take care of you alone, if you hyper focus you run the risk of smothering the poor woman. Don’t forget, she cares about you for who you are, and if you drop being yourself to be with her, then the relationship will take a major hit.

As the last poster said, educate her so she knows what’s going on. Communication is key and if it isn’t used, then the new relationship will suffer.

OK, now I must learn to take my own advice ;oP

Good luck to both of us, Jim

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[Anonymous]

Ugh.. boy do I understand this. And am glad to read it. I have ADD and so does my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 6 months and hit it off so instantly is was like magic. Might have to do with the fact we both have ADD and understand each other. But I have to admit he’s my Hyperfocus .. I have given up on alot of my hobbies because I can’t take my mind off him. I’m working really hard to derail this behavior because I know part of it is because my life is further along than his and I don’t have as many things to fill my time. I’m trying to find things to fill time with. He on the other hand has three small son’s he has 40% of the time and His job is busy always.. plus a big family (brothers ect..) I have little to no family and my daughters are older. One is grown and out of the house and the other is 15 and not wanting me like she did when she was little. My best advice (and I’m trying hard to take it myself) is to get another hobby as well as work so you don’t obsess over her. I know he doesn’t obsess over me cause he has such a full life… I’m trying to fill mine back up.

Oh and side note.. I also have thyroid disease.. hypo.. so yeah is that a cruel joke or what? My mind races and I’m tired all the time..lol

Wishing us all good luck

Diane

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