ADHD/non verbal 40 yr old single father

[adhdj]

Hello,

I haven’t been here in awhile. I’m really struggling & desperate for help of a better life but can’t seem to get any help.

I have ADHD/non verbal LD which I’ve done a lot of work on. Ive done a lot of self work, therapy, meds, & even sought out help on a spiritual level which my family doesn’t really approve of. I’ve also dealt with anxiety/depression due to the ADHD/Non Verbal LD

I know have a 20 month old son who we are told is very advanced for his age. In 2015 my wife had a miscarriage which was devastating to both of us. I went of antidepressants & ADHD meds & was doing ok up until this point

She got pregnant 2 months later but the miscarriage caused her a lot of problems including PPd I believe & she just got worse & still very bad now. She was never the same since the miscarriage

Last fall she moved out blamed me for everything after I told my family about our huge debt trying to run a business in my name she left me with & she treats me horribly no matter how good I am to her

I’ve lost 5 jobs & had problems at 3 others including bullying, harassment, & just made to feel everything I do is wrong no matter how good of a job I do. Luckily I have grown in height, more well built and taken fighting courses for self confidence

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[adhdj]

Well I’ve been at my new job for 3 months& dealing with more of the same business. My uncle got me a job through his client at a home building company helping the service coordination lady. Her daughter used to work here and I heard her one day basically very angry I got the job & that she has to train me.

The first month or so I for the most part didn’t have a computer to get my work or would have to rush to get my work done because someone else needed their computer & I’d make mistakes. Everyone here is over worked to the point of burn out.

My ADHD psychiatrist is nothing more than a drug dealer as I’ve begged him for help finding accommodating employers but insists he has no resources.

I’ve been with March Of Dimes for a year & a half who haven’t been able to help me find such an employer.

I live in the Niagara Region of Ontario after living in Montreal for 26 years since I was 12. My son’s mother and I moved back to Ontario in 2013 thinking it would be different. I thought Ontario had a lot more recognition, accommodation and resources for people with learning disabilities

I’ve been rejected 3 times by the Canadian Government for disability, they don’t think my case is legitimate even under the new government.

I don’t want to be on the system as a statistic, all I’ve wanted is a chance to be able to take care of myself/family doing something I enjoy being well paid for it

I had problems in school but graduated college in Quebec. Most of my jobs have been customer service oriented clients are always happy with my service but it’s never good enough for my employers

I have seen that at some work places I’ve had, it’s not just me having problems but everybody

I feel lost, empty & alone. I have a few friends in Montreal but don’t really have friends here. No matter how good of a person I try to be to people, people don’t like me. All I hear from everyone is that I’m making excuses including my son’s mother

I don’t know where else to turn to, I’ve tried to find resources in the area online but can’t seem to find anything.

I can’t seem to meet any women around here as it’s a smaller area compared to Montreal. I never had a problem meeting women before my son’s Mother.

She always treated me better, differently than others and accepted who I was.

She would get so frustrated with me that my confidence wasn’t higher and when I’d loose jobs, have trouble at jobs or couldn’t find a job she said that I was a child and couldn’t be with someone like that nor did she want to take care of two children.

Ever since the miscarriage, she started treating me like everyone else in the world

Nothing I ever do was/is good enough for anyone, not employers, my ex-wife, family members or friends that I’ve had.

I always try my best with everything that I do but never seems to matter.

Lately out in public at stores or whatever, I see people just shove through people without saying excuse me or pardon me, I’ve had a few people that I say excuse me or pardon me who are just plain rude back to me.

My apologies for the long posts I’m in desperate need of help as I’m totally fed up. I’m just trying to survive and take care of my son without having to take handouts from people.

No one understands, they think it’s just excuses.

Thank you for any help anyone

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[adhdj]

I forgot to add I’ve been back on ADHD meds since last year and some things have improved in the way I interact with friends and relatives and getting certain things at my last job and this job but it’s still not enough.

I was switched to Vyvanse this last summer starting on 20mg’s. We tried 30mg’s as that is still considered a child dose with an adult dose being 50-60mg’s

However with these meds, like Concerta & Ritalin, I’ve found when the dosage is too high, the meds have a negative and opposite effect on me like the feeling you get when you drink too much caffeine

It took a month before I could get an appointment, because the pills were a capsule, I could not cut the dose down myself. So my second month on this job in October, I wasn’t sleeping well my son’s mother was making life very hard with my new job/seeing my son during the week, and feeling wired every day I was making stupid mistakes on the time given on a computer. As I said, I for the most part had no computer/workstation for over a month and had to rush so someone else could use the computer.

I’m also on Mirtazipine 15mg’s which does help along with Synthroid. I had very bad hyper thyroid when I was 20yrs old. I read that many ADHD boys also have hyper thyroid problems so get that checked out

Again I apologize for my long posts just so much has happened to me like you others I’m sure

Thank you

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[adhdj]

How do I edit my posts like on other forums? I want to take out something.

I want to apologize for what I said about my psychiatrist being like a
dealer.

My emotions are running high right. now and I have felt like I’m never getting the help I need and I’m suffering

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[That Guy with ADHD]

I’m sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. It’s not much different here in Alberta for finding support for ADHDers. I too work very hard to provide for my family and have struggled with my symptoms. I work two jobs. One as a business analyst (challenging with ADHD) and the other in retail (easy and enjoyable but low paying) I am currently separated from my wife of 22 years because she doesn’t want to deal with another child (a common refrain from spouses of ADHDers). I wish I had a good answer for you. The only thing I can say is that you are not alone. There are many of us who struggle daily. Fortunately you have found the strength to seek advise. While you may not find it on this forum I encourage you to keep asking the questions wherever you go.

As for editing the posts I think you can only edit the last post you made while you are still in the forum. Once you leave the forum the ability to edit it seems to go away. In the top right corner of the post it will say “Reply”. It will also say “Edit” if you can change things. Just click it and you will go back to and be able to add/edit your work.

Kindest Regards

Richard

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by That Guy with ADHD.

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[adhdj]

Hi Richard,

Thank you for replying and adding some insight I appreciate it very much.

First I would like to commend you for working so hard to try and provide for your family despite your struggles I respect that.

The business analyst sounds like an interesting job. Retail however I agree it is low paying and should be easy.

I worked for Princess Auto last year and I will say it was mostly awful. The management were borderline harassing you, you were barely allowed to talk with your fellow co-workers, and you couldn’t really interact with the customers for long periods of time due to management. It’s the customers who appreciate the time you take to speak with them who’ve told me personally that keeps them coming back.

I thought it was just me, but it was everyone who was very unhappy with the moral of the place due to poor management and treatment of staff so that was a relief to hear.

I am very sorry for your loss of your marriage and family. I completely understand what you are dealing with and how much it hurts.

My wife told some of my family members that she didn’t want to raise a second child that was really hurtful.

I strongly believe that she suffered PPD after her miscarriage in the spring of 2015 then the PPD just got worse and worse after getting pregnant with our wonderful son.

Forgive me if this sounds selfish, a small part of me wonders how my wife will treat our son down the road if he turns out to have ADHD? The large part of me hopes he will be just fine he has tested as advance for early childhood development

Following the miscarriage, PPD, a difficult pregnancy, an emergency C section, having her gallbladder removed surgically 7 weeks later, and having her man hating mother live with us for weeks both times, what relationship/marriage could survive that?

I would over hear her Mother telling my wife that she doesn’t need me. Her Mother and my wife would belittle me all the time, reclean things I’ve just cleaned, I tried to make a nice dinner and both of them just trashed my efforts.

My family says that she completely changed as a person (my wife admitted to that) as for her to leave within 6 months not even wanting to seek counselling to fix things was not normal.

I read up a lot on miscarriages and after birth how people’s wives can completely change due to hormones, PPD, as my wife already had a history of depression.

The two most hurtful aspects of all of this is that my wife always accepted me the way that I was up until the miscarriage, then she said I was only making excuses for everything “hiding” behind the label of ADHD/non verbal LD, and the thousands of dollars of debt in my name she left me with while supporting her businesses trying to make them grow. Shes still trying to wipe her hands clean od the debt taking no responsibility fot it.

It’s all money that I’d rather put away for our son’s future, but she says he’s not suffering.

My apologoes for rambling, I guess I’m still trying to find answers as to what went wrong??

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[adhdj]

Richard,

I’m sorry to hear that there isn’t a support system out in Alberta for adult ADHDers out there.

I just can’t believe that there are no resources to help adult ADHDers find and keep good paying jobs to help them succeed and be contributing members of society.

One point I’d like to make is that the more unemployed ADHDers there are out there, the more people there are who won’t be paying income taxes to the federal and their provincial governments.

If the government was smart, it would be of their better interest to help people like us find and keep well paying jobs. Think of how many more people there would be who would be helping provinces and Canada by paying their income taxes???

That makes no sense to me??

I recently went to my family doctor desperate for help/resources as I’m facing the same trouble with my current job again and he had no information except he told me to try charities.

I’m seeing my psychiatrist this week so we will see what’s happening. Please forgive me if I sound overly critical, I personally think that a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD no matter the location, should be able to provide resources to help us find and keep well paying jobs.

On a fun note, I know many ADHDers who feel like we are the “normal” ones (whatever that is) and everyone else is weird.

It is comforting to know I’m not alone, I guess I’m just tired of being judged and persecuted especially by the one person who I was to be able to count on.

When I was unemployed a couple of years ago, my wife was frustrated with me, blamed me and thought I was making excuses. I couldn’t for the life of me find another job after being laid off with 25 people in my training group for “shortage of work” then they hired another 50 people just before they let us all go.

My wife also would not allow me to go back on meds and said that she didn’t have a husband, she had someone who was hiding behind a label and wanted to be “drugged up”.

I won’t stop searching for answers

My big question is how are we supposed to have a “normal life” when all we are told is we are making excuses for everything??

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[That Guy with ADHD]

There are many people, including my wife, who do not understand the difficulties associated with having uncontrolled ADHD and will deny it even exsists claiming we are hiding behind a fake diagnosis. This is not something we can “Pull up our socks” to fix. It takes time… A long time, effort, and money. Unfortunately when your partner is at the end of their rope time isn’t something you have, money eludes me, and procrastination seems to trump effort. While I don’t want to disolve my relationship I can’t help but think of the problems I have created in our marriage. Honestly if you think of the things you did, or didn’t do, due to your ADHD you can understand your partners frustration. I don’t want my wife to suffer through any more of it. Unless I can discover a way to curb the more problematic symptoms soon I will have to agree to the permanent end to the marriage. Fortunately for me my wife and I get along O.K. as friends so I still will have that.

The challenges we face are real.

You can’t change their minds about ADHD. They have to do that themselves.

Richard

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[adhdj]

Hello Richard,

I completely feel your pain and understand where you are coming from. Time to fix what’s wrong and the financial resources to do it are the biggest obstacles.

Unfortunately for me, I suffered from both obstacles. I wanted to get help back in 2015/2016 while there was still time before the birth of our son.

My wife “wouldn’t let” me get the help I needed. She made me feel guilty, said our love should be enough, and that “I was hiding behind a label” and making excuses.

I should’ve just went to the doctor without my wife’s approval and got back on my antidepressants and ADHD meds. I felt like I would’ve been lying to her and betraying our trust so I didn’t and just continued to suffer in silence for the most part. Any time I would try to share what was wrong with my wife, she’d just get angry, or frustrated with me and look disappointed in me.

What I’m just realizing now is that all the people including our wives/partners who say we’re making excuses and hiding behind a diagnosis,

these people are being discriminatory towards us and they don’t even realize it. The same with employers who won’t acknowledge or accept put conditions. It is 100% discrimination, then perhaps we are better off without our partner/employer. Do we really want to be with people who discriminate us? I sure don’t!

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and the same thing he just gave me a prescription. I said I still can’t believe there are no services?? There are tons of services for kids but what happens to these kids when they grow up? They still need a support system.

He just shrugged his shoulders and told me that he has patients who are university professors, engineers, lawyers and various careers.

I said that’s great but what about all the unemployed ADHD/learning disabilities people out there? I said to home that it would be of the government’s interest to have services in place for adults to help us find and keep good jobs.

With all the unemployed people with such conditions out there, that’s a lot of people who could be paying more for income taxes. He did agree with me

I asked him if someone in your position could lobby for adult services to the government to put services in place as someone in your position would be more listened to by the government than I

He basically said he “didn’t have time”

I look at some of the college courses nearby to better myself and I’m definitely not in a financial position to take a 1yr program with 1 course costing almost $600 CAD

So how are we to better ourselves?

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[That Guy with ADHD]

There are things we can do to help ourselves which do not cost much. I just need the drive to remember to do them. Things like eating more protien in the morning (eggs, peanut butter, cottage cheese, and Greek yogurt are good examples). Another thing is to get active. Excercise is good for reducing the symptoms of ADHD.
That being said I have found strength in meeting other people with ADHD. In forums like this I get to know you and dozens of others who share similar stories that validate what I have been going through. I have also attended monthly sessions put on by the local ADHD awareness group (ADHDEdmonton.com) where I have personally met many people who share similar stories and some sugestions for self improvement. I have also started going to a new Meetup.com group that was setup in Edmonton for people with ADHD.
I also took part in some group sessions for CBT (cognative behaviour therapy) which was not specific to ADHD but was a good resource (and inexpensive).
Learn as much as you can about ADHD from forums, people, books, articles, etc. While you may get overwhelmed by all of the advice out there pick just one and try it out. Something may work while others don’t.
I still wish there were more formal services here. I haven’t been able to find a local ADHD coach. There are a couple of doctors in the city who know about ADHD. It takes a while to get in to see them but when you do you can get a diagnosis. Psychologists in the area seem to know what ADHD is but don’t know how to treat it. One told me that she would explore my childhood for the cause of my ADHD suggesting that I was traumatized as a child which resulted in my disorder.

Just don’t give in and keep working. Rick mentioned in his blog that he has been at it for many years and still has to work hard to improve so it’s not goung to be easy. Just hang in there! 😀

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