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Tiddler, that scenario vacillation sounds very familiar! Don’t we feel clever when we are able to pull off the first one though?!!
RedSquirrel, I agree the sink or swim idea might work but I suspect that it requires the individual to be somewhat motivated form within. As you say you were a fighter type. Unfortunately those who have a minimal ability to drive themselves will flounder. I suppose if drugs, alcohol or violence were involved that is the sort of ultimatum one would need ( i.e. kick them out of the house).
In this case that is not the issue and to be fair the child has made an attempt at better grades since the beginning of the year because after the last school term disaster I insisted on testing “or else.” The “or else” was telling my husband how bad it really was. I guess fear of even more parental harassment and probably perplexity was enough to actually agree to see a psychologist. The improvement in grades was minimal but enough to get by. Nevertheless, general motivation is still lacking and what I find the most difficult is the constant argumentativeness and contrarian behaviour.
What motivated me as a teenager ?- Well motivation wasn’t the problem! It was finishing all the things that I was motivated to do! I was the typical ADHDer in that sense, always finding something interesting and new to do.
My child on the other hand is the inattentive type and very low on the motivation scale ( not sure there is such an actual scale but the psych who did the evaluation made a point of how low motivation was.) This prompted the med prescription which at first was not recommended. Also perhaps all that argumentativeness and constant opposition which seems to defy logic and reason is a neurological immaturity of the ADD brain.
So in terms of positive methods not sure what to use! In the late teen years they are beyond the usual discipline methods one would employ with a younger child.They actually think they are an adult because they are over 18 not because they need to behave responsibly. As a young person I suppose I was fear driven to a certain extent. While I did lots of dumb stuff parental wrath was always at the back of my mind so I never went totally overboard. ( well except once literally involving a boat but that’s another story!)
I guess what I’m really looking for are ideas on how to establish a relationship that can involve a calm and reasonable discussion. Perhaps I should just not react to anything. Let sleeping kids lie so to speak
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thank you nellie for starting this – this has been something on my mind for quite a while…except my kids are younger, and son is asd(dx) and i suspect also add….so some different issues, but a common thread
i know for me fear of my mother is what kept me “motivated” when i was in grade school.
unfortunately most of my memories of my mom from when i was growing up are of her yelling and/or criticizing me.
to this day we have a strained relationship.
i never wanted to be that kind of mother… always thought i would be different as a parent.
and yet, i find myself yelling…a lot- during the school year especially…sometimes i feel like a monster – like someone else possesses my body i get so angry and frustrated and feel out of control it escalates so quickly.
i ususally end up apologizing for yelling, explaining why i got so mad/frustrated…hoping we all do better next time…..
other times i’m “the coolest mom”. the kids and i are pretty goofy, we enjoy hanging out together(most of the time), and i make sure they know i love them and how wonderful they are in their own unique ways.
i also am seeking a way to better handle myself , having not only add issues myself(not diagnosed yet, but i can’t imagine i’m not since finding this site), but also dealing with an (almost) 8 year old son who has asd and i suspect add, along with a 4 yo daughter “normy?” who is so very different from me and my son – actually, in many ways she is harder for me to handle than my “special needs” son….but that’s a whole other story.
does medication help with the feelings of impatience/frustration/anger outbursts? or does it just help with focus/attention/procrastination/overwhelm…? not that help with just those things only wouldn’t be wonderful…just curious…
red squirrel, one thing i’ve found that helps with the homework issues is making sure to do it early enough in the evening – the later it gets the harder it is for him to stay focused and think clearly. but don’t know if that’s going to help with anyone else.and it’s not always practical even for us, depending on my work schedule, since i’m pretty much the only one around who understands his homework and how to help him with it.it also helps if we break up what’s most challenging for him into smaller parts. for example, he hates/has difficulty with writing out vocabulary definitions, so when we can we’ll do say 2 or 3 of them monday,tuesday,wednesday,thursday to turn in friday rather than doing all of them on wednesday when assigned – but of course the teacher has to be on board with that too…..and i’m not often able to do the ideal due to us both procrastinating…..ugh
as a young adult i found motivation when i came out of a relationship….let’s just say he really did a number on me…and i never wanted to be so dependent on a man again. i decided to persue a career that i thought would be a ticket to financial freedom with an educational program i could stick with. i did graduate and get my dc, but, many years later, financial independence continues to elude me…..but working on that
nellie, is it possible your son has a co-morb of oppositional/defiance disorder? or is it just teenage stuff combined with add?anyway,
one of my close friends has a daughter very much like me(and ironically my daughter is very much like her – we’re like yin and yang)…it’s a running joke with her that we don’t know how it happened that we gave birth to eachothers daughters. anyway, i remind her from time to time that she, her daughter, is not her….what she,my friend, was like/doing/capable of at a given age is different for her daughter…some people take more time to find their niche/find their motivation in life….and yelling all the time is only causing damage to her and to their relationship, not helping her daughter do what she needs to do. so, let sleeping kids lie? well, perhaps sometimes we need to step back, take a break from the usual, maybe time to get a different perspective….. but, make sure you’ve investigated and dealt with underlying issues such as add and make sure he has whatever supports in place that he needs meds/counseling/therapy/tutors/career counselor? if he’s finished with high school but not really getting into college, maybe he could take a year or so to just work? or work pt/school pt? it is so hard to stick with something without a concrete goal/ genuine interest. but with the proper support in place…..well, i find i’m rambling and hope what i’ve written doesn’t offend…..
ttfn:)
REPORT ABUSEg.laiya sounds like you are making an effort to be a good mom which is what counts in the end. I believe if your kids know you care you are on the road to building a foundation for a good relationship in the long run. It’s the in between years that give us the gray hair I guess!!
Opostional-defiant has crossed my mind but this did not come up in the evaluation,apparently the comorbidity in my child’s case is anxiety which is why at first meds were not recommended.
I just started reading an interesting book related to all of this called Movers, Dreamers and Risk takers . The author is ADHD himself and a ADHD coach. One of the things he suggests is that we forget about the usual parental tactics and just basically do the opposite. Kind of reverse psychology I guess.
I haven’t decided if this book is really useful or not but he makes some interesting points. Humour is another tactic he suggests in dealing with kids like this vs criticism. Overall I guess what we’ve been saying all along in this thread – nagging, yelling and the likes doesn’t work anyway and the more you do it the worse the situation gets.
( http://www.amazon.com/Movers-Dreamers-Risk-Takers-Unlocking-Power/dp/161649204X) .
I did have a reasonable discussion today with the “difficult one” and tried to remember the above and at least we didn’t end up in a yelling match which I’m pleased about.
I think I will try to take it one day at a time and make myself mini goals related to dealing with this issue. I’m hoping with this tactic I won’t feel so overwhelmed.
Just remembered – for those of you dealing with younger kids and homework –
the book I mentioned above has lots of ideas for students.
One interesting one is he suggested kids move around in stations when doing homework. For example, do each subject in a different room instead of sitting still in one place.Kind of like in a Kindergarten classroom that is centre based. I guess you could set a timer for a certain time and then the child would switch activities.
Another tactic he suggests is switching kids with a friend who has a child with similar issues. I don’t mean trade them away for good just for homework!
REPORT ABUSE After school they go home with the other person and can’t come home until the work is done. No TV or comforts of home should supposedly get them to work faster. The idea being children are less likely to argue with a non-parent.
sdwa, Interesting point about structure. But it is a double-edged sword. ADHD kids on the one hand need structure to keep on track yet resist it all the way. I know for myself if I have structure in place such a showing up in a classroom or an office it helps me focus. On the other hand the routine makes me crazy at the same time but is far more productive than working at home or taking an online course.
Maybe the key is that the structure needs to be external? To take a somewhat common example such as the traditional kid doing homework when they come home from school. In this case it’s too easy to do anything but the dreaded homework. On the other hand , if you can get the child to work in a library – ok fat chance with a hyperactive type – but what about a coffee shop or somewhere like that? Wish I had thought of this when my kids were little to try it out
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ADHD parents dealing with ADHD Kidsnellie2012-06-23T02:47:36+00:00
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