ADHD-PI and 5 months to fix everything.

[Anonymous]

My story so far,

As a child I remember being given my first spelling tests and my mother telling me that I needed to study them and she would quiz me. I’d look at the list not knowing what the words meant, how to pronounce them, and could usually get to the second or third word before I would head off to my room to build something with constructs or lego. When I was quizzed I’d get them all wrong and my mother would get angry. She’d sit me down and try to get me to go over the list. These nights were exhausting for us both. When I was tested in school I would usually get about 4-6 of them out of 10 and get a note sent home saying I needed to study more. Eventually I stopped getting quizzed and would write the test without having studied. I always felt something was wrong, like I should have known something that the other kids got and I didn’t. This was everywhere in my life, school, camp, conversations with friends. Everyone seemed to intuitively get stuff and had stuff going on that I was completely oblivious to.

Jump forward 4 years and I’m in my first day of grade 4 when the teacher tells us we have a book report due at the end of the month. I go home that night and start balling my eyes out because I didn’t know how to read. I learned to read over the next two months reading “Summer Dog” and avoiding writing the report. Instead of writing the report I opted to create an intricate scene from the book. By that time I was already to have by next book report in and could never catch up. Every time I had to write something I couldn’t start the process. Late and missed assignments piled up.

I was tested at some point but nothing concrete was diagnosed and it was recommended that I have the use of a computer for writing. My parents bought me one and I took to it like I’d been using one forever. It helped a little in writing assignments but overall it was just a great toy to play with and that I could do cool things on.

I continued to have issues through primary school but I was an intelligent kid, generally quiet, and I’d figured out “success for every student” would keep moving me along no matter how many assignments I failed to hand in. During this time I was also having behavioural problems due to both physical and emotional abuse at home. I would get in fist fights with my friends, I told one of my teachers to f off, and did some things I’m ashamed of to this day. I spent so much time in the office with the vice principal that he gave me a free pass to just walk out of class whenever I felt upset or frustrated. I’d walk out and head down to the office and we’d talk about Doom and Myst. Eventually I stood up to the abuse and when I did it really shocked my father. So much so, and I give him all the credit in the world for this, he went and got help for his anger issues and changed.

Unfortunately and fortunately, “success for every student” ends at grade 8. Grade 9 was a disaster. Depression, fights with my teachers, I’d skip classes I didn’t like and go to ones I did, I’d miss the bus most mornings and rollerblade into school arriving late. At the same time my parents decided to sell their business and retire early. They sat down with me and asked me if I wanted to travel around the world on a boat or if I wanted to stay close to my friends. Because of all my problems with school and depression my friends were moving on, making new friends, etc, I was stuck. I of course opted for alternate education and travelling around the world.

At a certain point during the construction of the boat we moved on board which completely isolated me. I sat at my computer day in and day out playing games, showing little to no interest in the construction my parents were doing. After it was done and launched my mother couldn’t do it. She was a nervous wreck. I’d all but given up on alternate education at this point and had sunk further into depression. We spent 6 months in the Bahamas and I spent most of it in my room reading a single copy of PC Gamer over and over. I later moved in with my aunt and took care of her teenage kids, dog, and made meals in exchange for room and board. I spent all my free time up in the attic, came close to committing suicide, and then she got frustrated with me always being there and kicked me out.

My parents came back from their travels and I started seeing a psychologist for my depression, she was horrible. I went to an MD who was just too busy to care, I went to addiction counselling for my excessive gaming/TV watching (they couldn’t understand why my parents wanted me there and sent me home). I tried going to college for programming and failed every course. I then spent a month and taught myself while building an e-commerce solution for a company in Texas. I tried for a GED and barely got out of the gates. I moved out on my own and worked at a hole in the wall video store to pay the bills. It of course couldn’t pay anything but the most basic bills and I was living cheque to cheque. I decided to move back in with my parents, got another job at a local video store and started saving money, contributing to RRSPs, and seeing a therapist for my depression. He was amazing and helped me pull myself out of depression for the first time in at least 12 years.

Everything was going great but I knew I still didn’t have a future. I tried investing in real estate, building a business, and a few other things but ultimately I was convinced I needed to go back to school. I decided on film/computing. [copied from other thread that got me started writing this] I went back to university at the age of 25 with loans and some financial support from my parents.

After receiving a 53% in one of my first year courses the prof called me in to ask what happened. She indicated that based on my class participation and work (minus the details), that she felt I should have been a 90s student easily and she was shocked that I did so poorly. She bumped my mark up to a 65% so I wouldn’t lose funding. That prompted me to seek out help, which led to psycho-educational testing, which revealed ADHD-PI and a reading disability. I was given the diagnosis, a 10 page report, and left to fend for myself.

Needless to say things went badly. Very badly. I continued having issues and had little to no support around me, the recommended supports for me were only partially available because the bursary that funds them ran out of money and they couldn’t get the rest in place till half way through my courses. What they did give they did not teach me how to use as an effective tool, merely dumped a bunch of technology on my lap. After failing several courses my parents pulled their funding, the paperwork involved in getting loans became more work than the courses themselves and the bills increased due to the medications. At one point I was paying as much for my monthly Concerta as I was for food for the entire month.[end copy]

I spent the next 2 1/2 years wasting time and dealing with the emotional fallout of yet another failure. 2 days before my 30th birthday I moved back in with my parents yet again, bankrupt, no job, no education, and no idea how to get myself on any forward moving track. I’m keeping depression at bay for now but it’s hard to balance your thoughts when there’s not much positive to place against the negative.

I’m struggling more and more with my ADHD-PI as the fear of failing is compounding the existing inability to start and complete tasks and the stimulants affect my ability to keep my anxiety in check. My girlfriend has been incredibly supportive but cannot really help as she’s busy with school and dealing with some of her own issues.

I need to be able to “force” myself to do things but every time I do it ends in disaster even for small tasks. I find myself letting critical things slip by and never deal with them (like taxes, job applications, and on really bad days personal hygiene). 54mg Concerta has helped reduce the cognitive delay but has done little to affect executive functions. I’m stuck in a cycle of build up, try, fail, crash but with each cycle I have fewer and fewer options.

I have 5 months to break this cycle, get myself employed and moving forward again. Otherwise I will be homeless and I am terrified of what would happen if that became my reality.

My reason for revealing all of this is not to get sympathy, pity, or attention. I wanted to show that despite the challenges and failures I want to keep trying and make something of myself. To do so I need help learning to deal with my ADHD-PI and I lack the knowledge, support, and resources to do so. I don’t know where to turn for that help, or even what kind of help I actually need. If anyone has any suggestions, I could really use them. I’m currently trying to download some of the videos from this site, it’s difficult on a 0.3mbps connection but in the country that’s the only option.

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[Anonymous]

Have you considered getting off the medication? I have tried Concerta and Adderall and neither of them work well for me. In fact, in some ways, they make my problems worse because I start to think about other things that are bothering me and focus heavily on that. I have the same problem with “forcing” myself to do things but I think the solution lies in mental training, not in meds. Meds are a simplistic solution to a complicated problem. There is a quote from a famous psychologist that goes “if your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail”. I think this quote holds very true for ADD medication.

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[nellie]

JM Jimmy,

Have you considered working with an ADD coach or psychologist?

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[Anonymous]

@bguntoor I started the meds after I was diagnosed and they did make a huge difference. I went off them when I could no longer afford them for about a year and a half. I didn’t notice as big of a difference going off as going on, my girlfriend really did. She’d lovingly joke that I needed my stupid pills. I’ve found they don’t make a huge difference with executive functioning but they definitely addressed the cognitive delay in conversation, allowed me to process more than just what was being said but also how and why it was being said. It’s a big thing when you start noticing body language, intonation, and motivations instead of just the words.

@nellie: I’d love to but I have no $$$ and I’m in the country with no way to get to someone in the city. I have a feeling I could really benefit from an ADHD-PI coach but it’s one of those great catch 22s, I to get a job and keep it to pay for the coach but I need the coach to help me get the job and keep it. lol – I’ve been trying to research on my own to find what works for others… there’s an astonishing lack of information out there for the PI subtype.

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[Bill]

JMJimmy – do you have a friend who could be your amateur coach? Get them to read this site (and others). Make a list of what you need to accomplish and what your stumbling blocks are. Make an UNBREAKABLE appointment every week to report on progress. Then, work like heck so that you have something positive to report every week!

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[Anonymous]

Hmmm….I don’t have too much trouble with cognitive delay. My problem is entirely with executive functioning. Maybe I do have a little bit of a problem with cognitive delay as, sometimes, people find it difficult to argue with me and say that I don’t think about what they’re saying. But it’s not so bad that I would have to take medication for it. For the executive functioning, try to make a schedule that you keep in front of you so that your life and your time stays within perspective.

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[Anonymous]

@Bill that’s a good idea, my gf has expressed her desire to help so that might be an option. I’m still going through this site but there’s not a lot of solid management information for PI that I’ve come across yet. There’s a lot of diagnosis, life impact, and anecdotal info which is helpful.

@bguntoor interesting, I have the complete opposite – it takes me too long to think about what they’re saying and formulate my response that the conversation moves on before I have a chance to respond. It’s especially bad in group discussions where everyone is chiming in and the conversation moves from topic to topic relatively quickly. I do much much better one on one as a result. You mentioned before “mental training” for executive functions, what did you mean by this exactly?

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[Anonymous]

@By mental training, I mean stuff like meditation or brain games and stuff. I haven’t tried this extensively but I think our problem is that we need to be more conscious of what we’re doing and be able to filter out thoughts. Activities that build up that mental ability would be good for us. Meditation especially is an exercise in controlling your consciousness.

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