My feelings & moods been all over the map lately. I’ve been trying to hone in on each one, not just ride it out (good or bad). Not having a great deal of success.
In attempting to look at myself more objectively, I began thinking a lot about how I lack the ability to showcase who I truly am. How I come across to the outside world is not accurate.
I asked myself the (excruciatingly painful/awkward) question: What is my favorite thing about me? Honestly, my mind went completely blank. For a while. But as I forced the question, it came to me: My outside-of-the-box creative mind. I LOVE IT. It’s beyond my most prized possession. I could not survive without it. I would be nothing. (Yet I only expose a tiny amount of it to others. I keep it locked up to protect it? Too valuable to let it roam free? haha, I don’t know.. ugh.)
Answering that question lead me to this thought: Maybe I’m so up and down because I fear that suppressing my negative/crippling ADHD traits could potentially also snuff the positive. I get excited, positive, confident about the progress I’ve made in the dept of focus, concentration, productivity. But then get anxious & worried that I’m risking too much. (then comes the depression, yay!)
So this ADHD thing. It’s responsible for the very best of me AND the very worst of me. Go figure.
I’m quite fixated on this right now. ANYONE ELSE FEEL THE SAME? I’m stuck as to how to act on this thought/concept in a positive manner. Or how to further expand on it. Seems pretty significant. …or I’m just a crazy weirdo. 😉
Ahoy there O.M. Yes, I think I get what you’re saying. Sometimes I feel like that too. Like a volcano bubbling with hot lava but I don’t know what to do with it either so I’m guessing it’s a undiscovered hobby or talent to be announced? At times I think I need a resourceful mentor who would show me how to make something and inspire me. On my own I feel pretty useless, but the hope deep inside never gives up and knows there must be something out there for me. Do you understand this? With imagination the possibilities are endless. I often wonder if I could survive years of solitary confinement and remain intact. I really don’t know how resilient I am, and find that it is a scary concept. When I compare myself to others, I think they are much stronger than I am and I lack whatever they got. Do you wonder about this too? Maybe I think too much. I am a crazy weirdo too so I appreciate where you’re coming from 🙂
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