Aha! 2.0

[robynshnobyn]

I have stared at planners and to-do lists for what seems like forever, all the while wondering why it doesn’t work. I have mercilessly beaten myself up for pursing what it is I want, as it never seemed to help me in a practical sense. I have read countless articles on “making your ADD work for you” but have been unable to do so.

That is, until now.

I started by thinking of what it is I want most, all practicalities aside. I realized that what I’ve always been striving for is simply further insight. I want to know more about myself and others. What makes people “tick” is what makes me tick. I then started thinking about the practicalities. School, a job, my social life.

For the longest time, I’ve bitterly forced myself into school due to the fear of never amounting to anything. I made myself present, sure, but I still wasn’t progressing. I thought of all the other times something was really difficult in the moment, how I gave up, and how I spent twice as long wondering what could’ve been. I thought of how much it hurt not to have answers to my questions, when if I just had buckled down and did it, I would’ve had answers. I could’ve controlled the circumstance, and not become unmotivated by wondering how it could’ve played out.

And then it hit me. If I dropped out (and this time, never went back) it would just be another situation I didn’t have answers for. Would I have been able to graduate if I really tried? Would I have gone to college or university after? How would college be? Would it change my current occupation? Would I be living in a bigger house? Would I have met someone? I would never know, and I would drive myself insane as I compulsively asked myself these questions.

The internal dialog beforehand was a lot less insightful, and a lot more discouraging. “You’ll work minimum wage your whole life.”  “You’ll live in a tiny apartment your whole life.”  “Your family will be disappointed in you.”  “You’ll constantly be in debt and have no freedom.” This sort of turned school into this enormous mountain I didn’t have the strength to overcome; but when I think about the insight I’ll lack after giving up, and how much happier I’d be to have it, I turn into the Flash and see myself sprinting up the mountain in no time.

Every opportunity given up, no matter how tempting giving up is, is a lost chance to further know yourself and others.

And I just can’t have that.

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