The Forums › Forums › Emotional Journey › I'm Cranky/Arguing/Frustrated › Am I in denail or shoud I change therapist
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September 28, 2012 at 5:57 pm #91064
I need your opinions. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for a few weeks now regarding a depression. I never told him about any hard time caused by My ADD (he knows cause I told him that I saw a psychiatrist. But now he seems to want it to be the cause of everything. Bit of context: I consider that I’ve been abuse psychologically and sometimes physically by my mother. And I have almost make peace whit it after years and years of thinking it trough, felt guilty, than hate her, and finally understood that she was just a trouble woman with issues that she didn’t know how to deal with. And I was the docile and controllable one. BTW I never was a hyperactive. I was just not organized and day dreaming.
when I started to be depressed, I started too feel that I’m getting on everyone’s nerve, that I’m useless and that I’m just too damaged in the brian to do the right thing. But, every one told me it’s not true, it’s the depression that makes you feel annoying and useless etc. So, on some level my brain knew that but I could make my heart believe it.
So last session, I told him that I feel I’m getting on everyone’s nerves and I think he try to make me feel better at first by saying that. There are things that we can work on to be less of a weight on people around me etc….. OK rough!!!! I though I would be told how to not feel that way, not how not to get on peoples nerves. But ok …I should make and effort ….. So he went on whit example of parents that come to him exhausted, saying that they want to kill there children cause they don’t know what to do with them and the nice tricks they use to make them clean there room. Putting everything in a bag and hiding it. … good Ok but the I start crying because I though of my childhood when My mom was out of her mind, reaming for hours, braking dishes and asking me to clean before my dad come home. How she did put my stuff in a garbage bag …. And toss it. How she toss my radio (that I bout with my money ) because I was too happy being in my room and that I must be autistic I just couldn’t take that blame so I ask him what was I suppose to understand form that and how should it make me feel better. And I don’t think that it was really me who made my mother act like that but I understand that she had problems and I’m not trying too blame her. He said, that of course she didn’t react properly but it is hard and it is pretty new that we know about ADD and that we couldn’t get help easily back then but know (be happy) there are researches and (stuff). Ok I just felt so misunderstood that I cried and I laugh at the same time and say : Ok so you say that I am really getting on peoples nerves and that my mom was just tired because of me and lots of other parents want to kill there children because of there ADD……….. Yes I was upset but polite……… SO he said “ALL the parents ALL! it is really hard almost impossible to deal whit a child whit ADD without help”…… than a lot off trying to explain that it is not helping me to know that and him keeping on insisting on that fact….. and telling me about his ex that had ADD…..he left her because she wouldn’t try to change and it was too heavy on him….. But that he (what a grate holly man) is really interested in the problem and could help me whit My ADD (ok I though I was there to stop wanting to kill myself …)
Ok now REALLY depressed extremely lost and guilty feelings are back like crazy. I want to reject all that and change my therapist laughing at the incompetence of that one but part of me is wondering if it is really me and if I am just in denial and a new therapist will say the same!
Please, I need your oppinions
REPORT ABUSESeptember 28, 2012 at 6:46 pm #116564I booked marked your thread so I can come back to it since I have deadlines at the moment.
But for now I will say if you have a therapists who is not sitting well with you look for one who connects better. I say this because I have shopped for therapists before. I’ve spent time with some that ended up feeling like we were going round in circles. The on I had before my current one was really nice and was good but for me it always seemed to lead down paths that ended up with me felling more upset. I just said that getting to her location was hard and didi she know of anyone closer to my area. She didn’t take it personal and in fact referred me to the one have now because she thought I would resonate his personality. Which I totally do. And he had knowledge on ADD and why some traditional forms of talk therapy and going back to past events aren’t so helpful to us because we can get re-traumatized.
I can tell you more about that if you’re interested but have to get back to work, So I have this thread and I can check back in later.
Hang in there. I too at times fell like I bug everyone but I can’t be here to please everybody. Tried that it’s exhausting.
REPORT ABUSESeptember 28, 2012 at 7:19 pm #116565
AnonymousInactiveSeptember 28, 2012 at 7:19 pmPost count: 14413Often counseling is painful, very painful. A good counselor will ask the hard questions and point out the hard traits that may be causing us heartache. Anger is not an uncommon response from the person in therapy……in fact I would question the quality of the counselor if strong feeling did not surface and surface frequently!!!!
There were many many times in my years of counseling that I was just plain….outraged….but….it was all part of the peeling off the layers….the process of having a real look….making real deep change. It took about 5 years……with a GREAT counselor….but it was well worth it. My life my view or perspective is right where it needs to be….my relationships are wonderful……I have no regrets!!!! I owe my life to my counselor…..I will never forget him….EVER!!!
Soooo…….only you can decide if it is right for you. Only you can decide if your therapist is right for you…..but…. I caution you……THERAPY done well and effectively will bring out all your emotions…… anger…rage….regret…..tears…confusion…. bewilderment …wonder, joy……calm….in the end ,contentment. You may well be lost for a while, maybe a long while……but aren’t you all those things now??????
We don’t become who we are overnight and we don’t make real lasting change overnight either…..1 year of counseling for every year of life is a fair guideline. Personal change is the most difficult task I know….many try….many quit…..to what end????
Toofat
REPORT ABUSESeptember 28, 2012 at 8:57 pm #116566Thank you both
and sorry for my bad dislexic frensh canadian english .
Toofat
I want to trust therapy and I didn’t think it would be a walk in the park with the therapist saying nono you’re a good Gril stop crying you rule go girl and tell me everything I want to hear. But I am in a dangerously dark place right now and I think I need a tiny bit of light Or at least know where he is going with that. I don’t see how understanding that I was the reason of the abuses I had when I was young is gonna make me a stronger and better person. I feel like he is trying to use the parent therapy on de child. My brother saved My life when I was 16 with one question : ” why do you always let her do that to you ? she is not even stronger than you.” at that time we where still fightty bro and siss so it ment even more. It was the first time that I realyse, maybe, it wasn’t me, i didn’t call for it and I wasn’t crazy. So feeling responsible again is not gonna take me in a good place ( in short or long terms )
Misswho23
Thank you i’d really like to kow more about your experiences whit the good and the not good therapists. i think it can help me knowing if mine is right for me.
I am lucky to have a very nice lady in charge of the “Employee help program” (ok bad translation but I don’t know how to say that) at my workplace. She referred me to this therapist, saying she really trusts him but she knows sometimes “it doesn’t click” (can you say that in English?) So she can refer me to an other one if I need too change and she said the others are good too.
(Nice reinsuring lady) so I don’t realy have to tell my therapist if I want to go to another one.
I was planning on telling him how I feel and ask him if he can just put aside the ADD children exhausting the parents part, at least for a while. If he doesn’t want or can’t I’ll try with another one.
But in the meantime I ‘am just so lost and trying so hard not to blame myself again. And I start too loose hope in the concept of therapy curing or helping depression…. I am questioning everything ….Is it my fault if it dosen’t work ….am I actually depressed or just whining for attention….poor little martyr (like my mum use to say)……hugh!!! Hate you brain! !!!!
REPORT ABUSESeptember 28, 2012 at 9:27 pm #116567I don’t know much about therapy. I only went to a drug counsellor once in the earlyish 90’s for drug counselling, and felt patronised by his wishy washy bullshit so never went back. I know that at some point I’m going to have to embark on a course of counselling with a psychologist, in conjunction with my bi-annual sessions with a psychiatrist as part of a strategy to become the man that I must be. I’ve been too chicken if I’m honest with myself. Why open a whole pile of Pandora’s Boxes I wonder? As a kid of about 14 I read ‘A Guide to Abnormal Psychology’ by Carl Jung because I wanted to know what it was that made me so different to everybody else. The book terrified me, so I never pursued anything, thus I just felt this fatalistic sense of impending doom that I was unable to avoid….poor little martyr? Yeah, I know that hat as well 😆
Langstrump, I’ve probably made no sense and what I’ve babbled on about probably has no relevance at all to your plight. All that I can do is wish you well, and hope that you can move away from the plennum which seeks to gobble us all up!
REPORT ABUSESeptember 28, 2012 at 10:53 pm #116568Langstrump,
Don’t worry about your writing it comes across just fine.
I re read your post. One thing that stuck me was him telling you that his Ex had ADD and he left her because it was a heavy burden and she didn’t want to change. And now he wants to help people with ADD. Ok so that’s fair but…
While it is important for therapy to have a good understanding of who is treating you to me it sounds a bit too personal. And his own feelings coming across. Most of the time the therapists who I have worked with have told me generalized experiences or just facts about something similar they may have been through but have left their personal take out of it. I’m trying to think of how to explain this.
Like one therapists I had was in a second marriage and had step kid (similar things I have experiences) and agreed that it is a challenge having a blended family but she didn’t give me her personal views about her ex or her own feelings about it. So I got she has been through a similar situation, she understands that it has good days and bad and how to navigate through blended family issues.
So I felt comfortable telling her my stuff and about being adopted and my personal issues etc. because I didn’t feel overly clouded with her emotions on the situation. If she had told me that kind of stuff it probably would have set off an alarm in me. Like whoa I’m pretty raw right now and now I have to processes how you feel? Make any sense. That may be what you are feeling from the therapist.
My current therapist does a lot of work with what’s happening in the present. If you have daily crisis going on for him the first line of defense was to get that under control. Because you have to live your life and be able to function and move forward. When not in crisis then you can go back into past and deal with leftover emotions. Unless it’s in the forefront and needs to be addressed. He did some behavioral techniques. A newer thing called Emotional Freedom Technique. I think you can find videos on You Tube. Kinda hard to explain in print.
You use a thought or an emotion and go through a series of tapping points on your body. It’s recognized by the American Psychiatric Association and was first used for people with PTSD. It has also been successful for those with ADD.
He also has a smart phone app called “Red Dot Now” that takes you through a series of questions and feedback in real time.
With trauma you body can feel like it’s experiencing the past as if it’s still happening. Your brain doesn’t really know the difference.
So while I don’t like to give advice I can tell you my thoughts.
I agree with Too Fat – Therapy is emotionally grueling at times and it will take a bit to feel balanced and whole. Go easy on yourself sounds like you are just starting.
And most important if you a really feeling down and desperate don’t give up on the therapy. Do whatever self care you can. It helps a lot. Even just being kind to yourself with a nice warm blanket. Cup of tea. I would even buy myself flowers when I was really depressed.
I’ve been in the dark spaces of my mind and my brain backfiring me on me and feeling like I pissed off everyone I come into contact with. It will get better. Take it one day at a time. And like my friends always tell me. Remember to breathe. Sounds simple but it works.
While there are somethings you can change you can’t control how people react to you. That’s their problem.
I can make changes to be aware of how many times I may interrupt or talk too much etc, but somethings are just me. And I have to accept that and realize that not everyone will like me. I figure most people do so those that don’t just aren’t worth my time. And I’m sure there will be a time in the future when I will feel lost and post that I am crap or doing something stupid. And then you can remind me not to give up. That’s how we help each other out.
Boy that was long. and rambling. I’ve been off my meds today. LOL
REPORT ABUSESeptember 28, 2012 at 11:06 pm #116569
AnonymousInactiveSeptember 28, 2012 at 11:06 pmPost count: 14413LStrump……..chances are your stronger than you think….much stronger!!!! The path your on now is wellness….you’ve acknowledged….accepted and now your searching for understanding and……I truly believe those are already huge steps into the light!!!!
Hang on….hang in……my life experience tells me it works……remember, your not alone!!!!
Note: Your English is miles ahead of my French……miles….. so…….no biggie!!
Toofat
REPORT ABUSESeptember 29, 2012 at 1:23 am #116570Langstrump,
If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right.
The bottom line for me is that you shouldn’t leave the therapist office feeling worse than when you went in. I think a true professional should be able to deal with some unpleasant truths, but by the end of each session, give you real hope of a better tomorrow. I also need to feel some empathy from a therapist.
For what it’s worth, it really sounds from your description that your mother has ADHD. Seems like a lot of undiagnosed parents can cope with, or cover up the attention side of ADHD, but are unaware of the emotional regulation deficit. Makes for a tough childhood for so many of us, having to deal with our own (undiagnosed) ADHD as well.
REPORT ABUSEOctober 1, 2012 at 12:18 pm #116571Thank you a lot! Your replies really helped me go though the day. I think I will keep a print with me to reread it when I feel like stupid again.
Thinking about it and it is actually the girl friend story that makes me doubt the most. I still don’t see the point in convincing me that I exhausted my mother and it did make me relived bad thing with one more finger pointed at me, witch I don’t think I need.
BUT I felt he was kind of projecting. Trying to make me understand how he felt about his ex. Giving me examples and asking me how I would have reacted in his place…. I felt he was trying to make me understand something he, maybe, wanted her to understand… Maybe my story echoes too much to his personnel stuff? This is probably a better choice for exhausted parents who can relate and compare stories instead of trying explain to me my character and behaviour when I don’t feel I said enough for someone to be able to “know me” that much…. I feel I have been labelled too soon. Like, ADD is what I AM!!…and HIS vision of it……. Ok enough supposing. I think I will clearly say that to him and his reaction will tell me what to do. I still don’t think he is a bad therapist, but maybe just not for me.
ipsofacto
I’m 100 %certain that my mom has ADHD as well. and I would maybe be able to forgive some of the thing she has done if she wasen’t so much in denail about everithing. Everything is alaways about her and she never explain she justify her behavior. No one’s bad behavior are excusable or understandable exept hers…..hers are legitimate!…… I don’t think she could accept she has a “flaw” Like ADD. So, having a real discution is quite impossible.
Thank you all again! You helped me better than therapy so far
REPORT ABUSEMarch 10, 2013 at 9:55 pm #119514Langstrump,
I know what you feel, some months ago i was deep in my own dark hole. I too grew up with a chaotic childhood with an animal abusing sadist speed addict ( and as far as i know still is a lying two face son of a bitch -No offense yo Grammy) and an ex speed addict, neglectful, still an alcoholic mother. Because of things i have gone threw in regards to those 2, I had been dx’d with PTSD.
Perhaps you have Post Traumatic Stress disorder too? I know that some times PTSD and ADD/ADHD they need to be combated separately so you can come to terms with the past, and move on from it before coping with ADD/ADHD can be successful.For me, I have trust issues in regards to letting my kids be with their Grandma, and I barely tolerate being around my mom some days. My Dad will never get to know the kids. Some things are not forgivable. Mainly I don’t care much for the past, it’s the past and will one day be forgotten.
Hmmm, ok there’s still a lot of issues.
Focus on yourself. Your ADD, read as much on it as you can. Someday things will make sense and combating it will work. (I’m still waiting on that though….) Perhaps going back to a psychiatric will help as well. I know, for me, anti depressants are key for staying out of those dark wholes. They would also be able to tell if you have any other underlying or co-disorders and get you the medications to help with them.
I’m going to take a break, typing this is frustrating the hell out of me for some reason, but hopefully something from the above is helpful.
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