October 23, 2010 at 1:58 am #88578
AnonymousInactiveOctober 23, 2010 at 1:58 amPost count: 14413
I have been reading on this but also wanted input from people here.
I have these arguments with my husband where we both get too emotional. We both get defensive and easily hurt, angry, frustrated … Neither of us feel heard because we are both too busy feeling to listen.
We have had conversations where both or one of us are clearly trying very hard to communicate clearly and not just vent but frankly that is just as exhausting and we usually end up arguing anyway. Clearly we are missing something.
I would like to know if anyone has had success with something that could help me. Or if you have any advice on how to keep from getting so defensive. Or, hey, if you do it too feel free to tell your story.
I hate arguing like this. It leaves me exhausted, frustrated, and so not close to him. Makeup sex? I think not. I have a huge headache and I am not sure if he really understood me. I am trying to go back over it in my head to see where I took hiim wrong. If we didn’t hear each other we just wasted our time and energy.
I hate to even bring us any issues because I don’t want to argue. But then I hold it in until I can’t anymore and it all comes spilling out in an emotional mess.
Now he won’t even look at me or touch me. I have been trying to get on some friendlier terms but he is clearly still hurt. I never wanted to hurt him. Just wanted to be heard.
I know this is written rather randomly, but this is how my brain is processing now. I thought it might give people an idea of how it is to “listen ” to me when I am emotional.
PS we are also both physically very tired and often that leads us to be more apt to fihgt instead of talk.REPORT ABUSEOctober 23, 2010 at 10:04 am #95773
AnonymousInactiveOctober 23, 2010 at 10:04 amPost count: 14413
Can you get professional counselling? My fiancé and i had some trouble with this and we’re still working on how we communicate. At this point, I’d recommend mediation when talking about sensitive issues and advice from a psychologist on how to work on this stuff together.REPORT ABUSEOctober 23, 2010 at 6:00 pm #95774
SaffronMemberOctober 23, 2010 at 6:00 pmPost count: 140
My issues with emotional flooding and interrupting used to leave both my partner and me in terrible shape after a disagreement. Here’s what works for us now:
1. Whoever is upset must say “I’m upset” and end there, signalling that a discussion will take place. You can both say this if necessary. If possible, take a few minutes or more apart to calm down.
2. Each person gets up to five minutes of “air-time” to say how they feel and why. The other person must listen quietly and attentively, even if it’s hard to do so. Ground rule is that the partner who is talking must state grievances using “I feel ________ when….”
3. The listener must then restate what the talker has said (whether the listener agrees or not). Clarifications of what was said are allowed, but no rebuttals yet. This part ends when the talker says “Yes, that’s it.”
4. Then the listener takes his or her turn to talk for five minutes. She or he can then respond or rebut to the first person, but must use the ground rule for how to state it.
Repeat process as many times as necessary. It’s amazing how few times we need to go through it now to resolve things and restore good feelings.REPORT ABUSEOctober 24, 2010 at 8:49 pm #95775
AnonymousInactiveOctober 24, 2010 at 8:49 pmPost count: 14413
“Non Violent Communication”
IMHO, the best relationship and communication book ever written.
ChrisREPORT ABUSEOctober 26, 2010 at 12:42 am #95776
AnonymousInactiveOctober 26, 2010 at 12:42 amPost count: 14413
Thanks for the replies! It has been a few days now and we are in a much better place. He was keeping something from me so as not to hurt my feelings. That is why he was so ovder thed top upset. I was because I kinda knew it all along.
That was our worst in a while. I am glad we are past it now. There is still a weirdness in places but that is because of his mental struggles. It feels good to understand som,eone bettrr even if you don’t know how to help them yet.
You live and you learn. Our motto for a while has been survive and advance! When it gets too tough that is all ya got.
ThNks againREPORT ABUSEOctober 26, 2010 at 9:44 am #95777
AnonymousInactiveOctober 26, 2010 at 9:44 amPost count: 14413
Yeah, the most difficult time my partner and I have had over the past couple of years was recently, when he wasn’t telling me what was in his head. It was with good reason – he wanted to wait until we had mediation; it was still very painful to go through.REPORT ABUSEOctober 26, 2010 at 6:08 pm #95778
veronicaMemberOctober 26, 2010 at 6:08 pmPost count: 121
my husband and i have been battling this issue for YEARS!
communicating effectively is difficult enough for all, but throw in ADD and it’s a whirlwind of confusion and frustration. this last conversation that my husband and i had was the kicker. i had to aim to make myself be a more effective communicator and be able to feel understood and too understand him. he has been dealing with my ADHD for 7 years and even though i’ve only been medicated for since this January he was still feeling lost, angry, frustrated and at wits end with our inability to move past things. so, i took it upon myself to research the hell out of ways to be fearless and expressive in my communication with him.
i found a site- communication magic. for 29 bucks i received a book and some audio to a teleconference discussing the book (the book and audio is downloadable). i HIGHLY recommend it (not only for those with ADD(HD), but even those without it. they discuss 10 big communication mistakes and they break each one down so that you can recognize cycles, patterns and the root cause of the miscommunication in all areas of your life- not just in a relationship.
1-allowing your mind to wander while someone is trying is talking to you
2-being afraid to say what you are truly feeling for fear of causing problems, or b/c you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings
3-thinking that everyone else wants what you want and thinks the way you do
4-being defensive and having your own agenda when you listen to another person
5-being unclear in your communication and not clearly asking for what you want
6-taking too much, or not enough of the responsibility for a situation
7-allowing problems/misunderstandings to simmer until you explode
8-running away either physically, or emotionally when things get rough
9-assuming you know what someone is thinking or feeling
10-judging and blaming the other person as they are speaking and you are talking
i was unclear of a lot things regarding certain aspects of my reactions. a lot of the time i was battling in my head what was a ‘normal’ reaction verses my personality type verses my ADHD. the teleconference recordings were great for me, b/c i was able to listen to them on my commute to work (alone) and have my own ‘ah-ha’ moments without feeling judged or fearful of what another person(s) reactions or opinions may be of what was being discussed. the recording helped me recognize where the ball was being dropped and gave me insight on how to change that behavior. and that is what it is truly about. YOU wanting to make that change. YOU ultimately being ready to discover how to stop the cycle.
since then i have been able to effectively get my point across to my husband in a way that was a compromise and not about always ‘being right’. i’ve really opened up to him and in turn his patience with me has BLOSSOMED!
it’s not for everyone, but maybe just taking that time to listen to it will help one, or maybe both of you feel as though you are not alone.
good luck! (((hugs)))REPORT ABUSE
Attemping communicating with too much emotion2010-10-23T01:58:08+00:00
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