Bad but Good, WTF.

[Faequine]

Before I start I just thought I’d say “Hello Again”, as it’s always several months between posts.

OK, so here we go.

So, after a couple of very rough weeks -ones where the D word (divorce) is heavily mentioned- I have been doing research to better understand his Non ADD side. It’s working, I am slowly applying what I am reading to myself to realize how the stories are the same as ours, yet there are a many things nagging at me that I have found I can’t talk about with him or it starts a fight.

The site is very informative – adhdmarriage.com – and full of lots of stuff including what I have been reading: The Non ADHD Experience. It’s the non ADD spouse commenting/writing about their sides of the relationship.

Some of the stories are heart breaking, hard to read and make me feel disgusted that anyone would do such things. Others are hopeful, helpful and full of spirit, and I’ve barely read 1/8th of it. In his opinion there is a more hard working seriousness on that site, and not the lax, caudally ways that he sees here. I see the good in both, so that doesn’t really matter. Anyway, I was starting to see how the really bad ADDers out there couldn’t have me included in their ranks – he has been saying I AM the worst out there-, as I myself already do so much more than some of those I have read about, without all the hassle!

I help take care of our kids, I cook – though I hate it -, I clean as much as I can (and never in his way or to his standards), I do all the laundry, all the shopping, all the getting of stuff. I pack the lunches, I drop off the kids, and pick them up most of the time – sometimes I am late :S -, I get them clean and all that jazz. I am also the only one to have cleaned up in their room. And I have tried paying all the bills, I’m not so good at it. Plus I drive him everywhere. So I was left wondering, what it was that I do that was so bad.

A quick conversation later, and I had my answer. I don’t talk enough, I don’t open up, I’m sort of cold. OK I can get that, but when I do so much in a day and can’t come home to relax because there is 100 things I have to do, what am I to do?

I know the simple answer, but it’s not that simple. Because I can’t drop the ball on anything else. At all. He wants me to clean out entire house in ONE day. I have tried 3-4 times in 110% ernest and it’s impossible. There’s too much. So I keep doing things every day to keep up. And he refuses to help, because I won’t/can’t do in one day like he can. Why can’t he also see that I have other responsibilities in this house that he doesn’t? (the fish and lizards) I can’t ignore them forever, so they cut into the house task cleaning time, which is why I can’t do it all in one day.

I just don’t know how to make him see it and understand. That and the fact I do everything else! Plus I have to manage my ADD! I feel so stressed out sometimes I could explode like all the Non ADDers I have been reading about, and as far as I can see, they all would wish their ADDer was like me.

All I do in his eye is Bad, yet I can see what I do is Good, but it’s not enough, never enough. So really, WTF!

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[BabafredDenandenanda]

I think there is more going on here than just your ADHD.

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[friendlymathematician]

I don’t think it’s your ADHD, either.

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[gianmaria]

I tend to agree with the above replies.
Usually in a “mixed marriage”, the non-ADD partner tends to take care of a lot of practical stuff to compensate for the ADD partner issues in keeping up.
From what you write, you do a lot already.

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[Patte Rosebank]

@Faequine, according to Melissa Orlov’s “The ADHD Effect on Marriage”, it’s a common pattern for ADHD “mixed-marriages” to evolve into a “parent-child” relationship.

The marriage may begin as an equal partnership (which is what a marriage should be), but, the non-ADHD partner gradually assumes more and more responsibility because s/he feels that the ADHD partner is incapable of handling it.

This leads to resentment from the ADHD partner (“S/He treats me like a child, always bossing me around, and I can never do things as well as he wants me to.”) and from the non-ADHD partner (“S/He is hopelessly inept.  If I don’t do things, they won’t get done.”)

If both partners don’t become mindful of this, and together make the effort to understand this dynamic and to change it, the marriage will become so toxic that it affects other family members, including the children.

I’ve had plenty of time to see this in action. My parents had (not “celebrated”, but “had”) their 51st anniversary, this past summer.  My brother and I, in our 40s, are still single.  We know why.

I really recommend Melissa Orlov’s book.  It’s an easy read, full of sound information, and ways to improve your ADHD mixed-marriage.

Rick and Ava have done some great presentations about ADHD and relationships, too.   The one they did for Attention Talk Radio  is archived at  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/attentiontalkradio/2013/10/24/we-plus-adhd-creating-great-relationships .

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[Scattybird]

Faequine – my initial thought here is that your other half is a bully. That’s nothing to do with your ADD, it’s his failing and not yours.

To me, he seems pretty unreasonable. He wants a slave and not a partner.

Sorry if I have misinterpreted or said anything hurtful, but you need quality of life. If he wants the house cleaning better then he should hire a cleaner if he’s not prepared to pull his weight. He has the issues – not you.

Please don’t try to be all things for him if he can’t appreciate you. 🙁

 

 

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