Bad Situation Getting Worse

[flowzonegal]

Well, I just started this diagnosis journey a few months ago and I have many family members with the disorder but none of which I feel comfortable discussing it all with. It’s hard for me to even come to grips with it. I never ever expected this to be such an emotional whirlwind. At first, when i started research it was because I saw symptoms in my daughter and eventually realized she’s EXACTLY like myself. I was still in denial but went to see a dr just in case so that if I did I would be able to better understand and help her with her struggles. When he confirmed it, I was oddly excited (sounds sick to me even thinking that) because it was like when you’re reading the same passage over and over and finally a lightbulb just flips on and it all makes sense. I’m not just “not trying” or “stubborn & strong-willed.” There’s actually a reason I screw everything up! ……. Then it suddenly changed and the sadness and depression ensued. I have no idea if this is a side effect or the normal emotional process of coming to grips with it. I’ve been taking strattera for close to a month. It takes away any tid bit of motivation I could wrangle out of myself before to do necessary mundane things. This month has been a disaster. I was over 20 min late to two important dr appointments that are to address some chronic musculoskeletal issues I’ve been dealing with in an attempt to discontinue the plethora of meds I’m on so that I can hopefully try a med that actually works for my ADHD. The psych said he couldn’t combine a stimulant with the pain med I take (twice a day norco) I understand that but meanwhile my life is falling apart and I want results NOW! It’s like now that I know what’s wrong I can’t wait another second to have it fixed. The strattera makes my stomach hurt and it reminds me almost exactly of Cymbalta I took a few years ago in the sense that it just erases any little healthy anxiety I have that allows me to accomplish things. It’s the “I don’t care” syndrome I always have when I take any psych med but without the benefit of a mood booster the serotonin gave me. I’m a slug that can’t get my crap together to save my life. I have bombed 2 exams and didn’t care one bit. That’s pretty extreme for me. I’ve been in school for 4 years and have only gotten about a yr n a half worth of credits but have maintained a 3.7 GPA. I’m very hard on myself about grades. If I think I’m not going to excel I drop classes. Not this time. Don’t care. I’m also a total grouch to everyone including my kids and husband! I’m going to tell psych all of this but I’m positive he’s going to assume I’m only there for stims and I’m malingering. Even if he doesn’t he still isn’t going to give me a med that works because even though I’ve taken steps to fix my physiccal issues (got cortisone injections) Im still waiting on insurance to approve the last set of injections and have still had to take the pain med. I’ve gotten it down to one a day at bed time but it’s still there nonetheless. I don’t know if I should just pretend this strattera is working so he doesn’t assume the worst of me and wait it out until I am off the pain med for good or tell him the truth and risk the judgement. He even slid in a comment at the first visit about how they no longer prescribe adderall because of the anxiety it causes so I’m just about as sure as I’ve ever been that he has already judged me. I took my adhd mom with me the first visit in case he was interested in her input about my childhood symptoms but he never even considered speaking with her. His asst took me through the questionnaire and he came in for 5 min with diagnosis and strattera. I’m about to just give up so I can get through life without destroying my marriage and college courses. I know this became a monster novel of a post and in all honesty I don’t even know if I myself would be able to read it all from someone else. I understand, I just desperately needed to get the feelings and thoughts out into the universe somehow. If anyone has had the patience to make it through this and has any advice I’d greatly appreciate it!

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[L8ly Lost]

Hey Flowzonegal . .  . .   I think you are on the common roller-coaster of emotions ‘post’-diagnosis.  and I think this roller-coaster is harder for those of us who get diagnosed later in life.  I was diagnosed in my early 40’s . .  and yes, it was ‘exciting’!  Actually, it was like a huge burden off my shoulders.  There IS a REASON I am the way I am.  I’m not trying to be ‘difficult’, or rude, or ‘strong-willed’ (I’d probably be strong-willed w/o this disability!), or lazy, or disorganized . . etc etc etc.    And yes, the sadness and depression I think are part of the course for dealing with the diagnosis.  I can often get ‘stuck’ in all the negative impacts this undiagnosed disorder had (and still has) on my life.  I’m now in my 50’s and there has been but 1 job in my entire life (and there have been sooooo many jobs) that I didn’t have to leave before getting the boot!.  Depressing is an understatement if I dwell on it!  But I have to remind myself that I cannot/could not “fix” what I couldn’t see/understand.  While it looks like I have “screwed up everything” . .   I have actually been very successful . . despite my disability.  As have you!  You have a husband and children to support you.  Get them involved.  They may be your biggest assets in helping you manage this disability.  And never forget that this is a Disability!!!  I have to lean on that . .  to keep my sanity.  There is only so much I can do to re-wire my brain . .   but I will still miss deadlines, forget things every day etc etc etc.  If we could “fix” it – it wouldn’t be a ‘disability’.  That’s the point . . .  the best you can do is MANAGE it . . there is no Fix – no meds to permanently rewire your brain.  Only meds to help you Manage  your disability.  It’s all about management . .   and maybe that is the ‘fix’ – learning to manage.

And find a new Psychiatrist!!  You deserve someone who will work With you!

Good luck . .   and write, write, write . . if it helps you manage . .  we’re here to read . .   and reply when we can

l8lylost

 

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[iknewsomething]

I am sad to read your post, I have suffered all my life. I currently was diagnosed and also feel a burden has been lifted. Relationship issues still around, I feel like a baby because I don’t or cant organize or clean… I have been on wellbutrin for depression and now am getting a stimulant for when I have to study and learn something.

I can not believe I am actually writing now and reading. The depression has somehow lifted, cant say when or how. But I am actually walking the dogs for 2-3-4-5 miles depending on the day… instead of 2-3-4 Blocks around the house.

Defenitely keep writing on this page. there is a community of like minded compassionate people here. I have been so Hard on myself all my life, I could never see my greatness as others have… but now I have a chance to.

Slowly but surely you will find the right recipe.

I am having a hard time and asking for help with scheduling and calendars…

Good luck

W-

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[hullupoika]

flowzonegal —

I’m new here, but have been using the site for 4-5 months.

Almost four years ago I began treatment and counseling for anxiety, depression, and stress.  I’d also been having bouts of atrial fibrillation for more than a year.  About six months later I had a major physical and mental meltdown and spent the day in a hospital cardiac ward.  Before I was released I was interviewed by a psychiatrist.  She urged me to find a psychiatrist.  That took some time, but I got hooked up with an incredible psychiatric nurse practitioner.  She had me change counselors and fixed me up with a clinical psychologist who did a fair amount of testing on me.  I was diagnosed with PTSD.

As we’ve worked through the PTSD, which is now well under control, my psychiatrist NP suggested I again change counselors to one who worked in her practice.  That way they both had full access to all my files.  That was a little over a year ago.  As the new counselor picked through my brain she told me that that I showed signs of OCD.  As we went further, she tested me for ADD/ADHD.  So, about 6 months ago, at age 67, I was diagnosed with ADD.

I agree with the comments above – find another psychiatrist.  I know they aren’t easy to find.  I found mine through my general practice nurse practitioner.

I noticed that you didn’t mention anything about going to counseling.  Counseling and the understanding by my psychiatrist NP saved my life.  The counselors have given me many non-drug type tools to cope. I take my wife with me to about one out of every four to six visits to the psychiatrist and the counselor.  That has really helped her understand more about my issues.

All kinds of things began to make sense once I had been diagnosed with ADD.  It explained my life, relatives, friends and co-workers.

Finding this site also really helped.  Finding Rick Green and Patrick McKenna on the site was like being reunited with old friends.  I was a big fan of the Red Green TV show which they were a big part of during its long run.

This site gives me tools and laughter, and insight that I never had before.

I had some difficulty getting put on a stimulant for the ADD because of my atrial fibrillation.  My cardiologist did finally OK it, but with strict rules.  I was first put on Adderall, but I didn’t tolerate it very well, and my heart really didn’t like it.  I was switched to Ritalin, which I do tolerate reasonably well.  Your doctor needs to be keeping track of your side effects from the straterra.

All is not lost. You will get through this.

My ADD gave me a great career and a very fun life with way too many hobbies.  But, it really overextended me.  Most of my jobs, starting with six years in the Navy,  involved a lot of emergencies that had to be solved immediately.  I enjoyed the constant churning and getting new challenges almost daily.  It kept me from getting bored.  As I look back at a 40 year career, my most success came when I was working with teams of people just like me.  The “normal” people couldn’t stand to be in meetings with us because we’d have four white boards going at once trying to solve very difficult problems that they would make fun of — until we were successful because we didn’t think traditionally, and we could go into super concentration until we came up with answers.

Lastly, you might enjoy one of the best books about ADD/ADHD that is available here on the site.  “You mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?”

Good luck.

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[ramblinon]

Some great ideas shared….thank you all.

I’ll be inviting my wife to some appointments!

My current and last two offices contain very large whiteboards that I would drag the boss over to when we had discussions. Your whiteboard comment made me chuckle. So true. (Diagnosed 3.5 moths @ 49)

funny how so much shit makes sense, eh? Anyone get that feeling too?

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[ramblinon]

Some great ideas shared….thank you all.

I’ll be inviting my wife to some appointments!

My current and last two offices contain very large whiteboards that I would drag the boss over to when we had discussions. Your whiteboard comment made me chuckle. So true. (Diagnosed 3.5 moths @ 49)

funny how so much shit makes sense, eh? Anyone get that feeling too?

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