Bad/no relationship experiences?

[xephier]

I myself didn’t even have a relationship until the age of 30 but I ended that because the guy was lazy, there wasn’t any spark and he was a guy. I always pictured myself getting into a relationship with a woman although I have some sexual attraction to men I don’t prefer relationships with them. I decided to try a gay relationship after nearly 30 years of never even coming close to being with a woman. Having ADHD has kinda killed my social skills and being psysically unattractive from the neck up means I don’t get the free pass into relationships.

Avoiding even trying to get into a relationship has been an idea that tends to work on only a temporary basis. I wish that I could just not think about relationships and be happy with just seeking financial freedom but after an extent of time the thought of being alone really sucks and the thought that I’m 33 years old, if I hold out much longer then I’ll be hitting up lonelyseniors.com for a date 🙁

I suppose to some extent I do avoid relationships but that’s because when I do try like through online dating sites my experience is just more heartbreaking than not trying at all.

I actually only came on here to see about posting a reply on someone else’s relationship based thread but sadly this isn’t a super active forum and a few of the ones that I wanted to post on were around a year old and idk if the original posters would even still be active on this site.

So anyways I would like to hear from other people who have perhaps had my level of difficulty with relationships whatever the reason may be.

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[Patte Rosebank]

@Xephier, 33 isn’t that old nowadays. Many people are delaying relationships, in order to explore life and find out who they really are, first.

I think the key is really knowing who you are, and what you really want from life, as well as understanding how your ADHD affects all areas of your life.

What are your values?

What’s your approach to life?

What are you really looking for in a relationship?

If you’re not sure, try picturing the person you were at 15, dreaming of your future with your ideal Prince (or Princess) Charming. What was he/she like? What did you picture yourself like?  What things did you picture doing together? How has that vision changed, now that you’re older? (You may be surprised.)

To understand how ADHD can affect relationships, you might want to read some of the other threads in these forums.

There are also some great books on the subject, including this one, by Melissa Orlov:  http://totallyaddshop.com/products/the-adhd-effect-on-marriage-understand-and-rebuild-your-relationship-in-six-steps-paperback#.U0lY11VdWSo .  The information applies to all sorts of relationships, not just traditional marriages.

Once you know how ADHD affects you and your relationships, you can learn how to work with it instead of fighting it. It’s an ongoing process, though, instead of something you can just do, get a result, and then forget about.

Or, you may discover that you’re happiest being single. Whatever works for you.

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[xephier]

People may be living to over 100 but assuming that 100 is the average lifespan, I’ve wasted 1/3 of my life. By that logic I’d say 33 is pretty old..

Oh and I’m the type that pretty much tries to pirate everything off the internets, so just FYI, trying to sell me things off this site won’t work 😛 No offense intended if you had purely good intentions but I get a bit tired of hearing “You can fix everything in your life, just buy this!”

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[Patte Rosebank]

@Xephier, I’m just telling you what’s worked for me.

There’s a lot here on the site, that you can access for free: Forums, the Videos page, Webinars…  It was my main source of support & information for a long time, until I could start proper ADHD treatment.  I learned so much that way, that the clinic staff were quite amazed during my intake appointment!

So, look around here, see what looks interesting, and follow wherever it leads.

You’re right that just buying a book or video isn’t going to fix everything. For starters, you have to actually read or watch it!

One more thing:  Do think carefully about “pirating” things off the internet. Just ’cause it’s free for you doesn’t mean *somebody* doesn’t have to pay for it.  And you can pick up some nasty computer viruses that way. (Been there, done that, never want to do it again.)

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[xephier]

Lol.. you’re doing it wrong. You gotta download from proven sites that are exclusive or/and have a good name that is well known for not handing out viruses like candy on Halloween. As for “somebody” paying for it, not always true. For one, it’s digital media, there is no cost in the reproduction of it. For two, if I had the money to pay for things I would, not paying for them isn’t losing the companies any more money than not being able to get their product at all; plus by getting their product and reviewing it and telling people I know(from experience) that the product is good I may actually be helping the company more to some extent than if I simply didn’t get the product at all. As for the argument that product prices are high because people pirate them. Maybe true but Just because I stop pirating something doesn’t stop the umpteen million other people that decide to pirate it.

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[Patte Rosebank]

@Xephier, this is a sore spot with me, because I work in the Arts, so I’ve seen the effects of beliefs like yours in many people. They only see the reproduction side of it, but I see the whole picture. It’s not about the reproduction; it’s about the creation of it in the first place.

There may be no cost to reproducing digital media, but it costs a lot to create it before it goes digital.

Why do so many people expect someone in a creative profession to work for free?

And just because “everybody’s doing it” doesn’t make it right.

The exceptions for me are things that are only available that way. Like an out-of-print book, a TV show or film that is only on YouTube or in another country.

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[xephier]

While I respect artists, the biggest gift to an artist should be to be seen and/or heard and to be heard of. Fame and recognition. Not just “if I make this, how much money can I put in my bank acnt?”. While I may understand your argument from a struggling artist point of view, like from the people whom may only make a few sales and still struggle to pay their rent. I have no empathy whatsoever for those cast in movies that make more money in a day than I’ve made in my lifetime while doing much harder work that I have NO passion for. The great artists that take advantage of their skills can generally make a hell of a lot more than I’m making for real work so I’d hardly say they’re doing it “for free” . As I said, the struggling artists are the exception, to the ones that aren’t, good luck with that argument. To say it again, I don’t have any extra money these days so to pirate stuff or not, either way the artists will see no money from me(can’t get blood from a stone).

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[zedsdead]

It’s easy to say, but I wouldn’t be that concerned with looks. I’m good-looking (used to do kissagrams) and people thought I had a great life, but inside I was desperately lonely.

Yes, girls looked at me, but I was usually much too petrified to even go up to them. Or, I even focussed for minutes/hours on what to say as an opening line.  This made me feel even worse.

Anyway, my advice is

1. that those that do well in the meeting game are people that can talk & relax,

2. the easiest way to find (soul) mates is from people you see regularly, as they/you are more likely to talk to you/them and have something in common.

Good luck!

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[mlawrence]

How about getting into a relation, marry and then find out that you are not the person you think you are, based on which you got married and that person you got married to, is not the ‘one’ you would have loved to share your life with? Irreversible damage to the rest of the life! From this perspective I think it is much better to get into a relation late and know yourself better. I know I may not be making you feel better, but just trying to stop people from committing the same mistake. That’s all.

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