Balancing life and work for workaholic ADDer

[Anonymous]

I’m struggling with something again–the universe trying to teach me a lesson, no doubt. Every job I’ve ever had, I’ve become the go to guy (at the expense of my personal heath and other social issues). I’m in that place again, on vacation, deathly ill from an upper respiratory infection, and the job won’t leave me the hell alone. It’s bad enough that I’m on vacation, or sick, but I’m both. And these are the things that make me insane–I respond and then no one moves the ball forward until I get back.

Can anyone provide any help on this? I appreciate that ADD and workaholism is a niche market, but I’m really getting frustrated that I cannot maintain boundaries. If I answer the emails and phone calls, I’m a schmuck who encourages them. If I don’t, I’m not a team player.

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[Wgreen]

Pete—For key employees and CEOs, work is often like ADD: You never get a reprieve. You just try to learn to cope with being tied to the mast of your company 24/7. The problem is, when it comes to business, there’s no little pill you can take.

I hope you feel better. Upper respiratory infections are no fun.

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[Anonymous]

thanks wgreen. Maybe I need to rethink my career choices, or at least my employer. I do realize I have a hard time not fixing things, which leads to being the guy who needs to fix things.

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[Wgreen]

And one more thing…. You say you’re the guy who needs to fix things. That implies you think they’re often broken. Maybe they are. But interestingly, “perfectionism” is, or can be, considered an obsessive disorder (something with which ADDers often have to contend). Take a look at this excerpt from the Perfectionism entry in Wikipedia (for what it’s worth):

“In the workplace, perfectionism is often marked by low productivity as individuals lose time and energy on small irrelevant details of larger projects or mundane daily activities. This can lead to depression, alienated colleagues, and a greater risk of workplace “accidents.” Adderholt-Elliot (1989) describes five characteristics of perfectionist students and teachers, which contribute to underachievement: procrastination, fear of failure, the all-or-nothing mindset, paralysed perfectionism, and workaholism. In intimate relationships, unrealistic expectations can cause significant dissatisfaction for both partners. Greenspon lists behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that typically characterize perfectionism.

Perfectionists can suffer anxiety and low self-esteem. Perfectionism is a risk factor for obsessive compulsive personality disorder, eating disorders, social anxiety, social phobia, body dysmorphic disorder, workaholism, self harm, and clinical depression as well as physical problems like chronic stress, and heart disease.”

This may not apply in your case—but I thought it was worth sharing.

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[Anonymous]

Wgreen, thanks again. Not quite on the mark for me, but may help others. All these problems are fully formed when they get to me. Usually on fire and aiming for the vault where we keep the secret sauce.

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[Anonymous]

pete-puma- i think i get what you’re saying. my productivity is very high, and i am often the “go to girl” and “fix-it person” and the “uber-user” . . . i’m bright and quick and efficient- but it takes a TOLL on me personally. i just changed jobs to try and fix it (and have stayed on-call at my previous job because i can’t let go . . ..) . . . i DON’T know the answer (AT.ALL.) but am also interested in responses to this . . . i’m productive at work (overly efficient and overly productive) but NOTHING ELSE is productive. home life is challenging . . . personal/self care does not quite exist . . . i’m thinking of changing careers . . . (SMILE)

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[Anonymous]

wgreen..

you described me >_<.

lol. except I am a sloppy perfectionist who cannot even hang a picture straight and works at a desk by throwing random papers all over the desk

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[JOATMON]

pete-puma,

your post certainly rang a bell here. Some years ago I too was the “go-to” person (and I have difficulty saying no). Upper respiratory hit in the spring, by summer it had morphed into pneumonia – took two weeks off from work to get over it, then had a reoccurance in December of that same year, more time off from work etc… etc…

I do not know the answer – it is easy to set boundaries but keeping them is another story.

My husband (even now) keeps reminding me that its all right to be a team player – but you are really only a team of one (yourself). And, that in the workplace, being a “team player” is merely someone else’s perception.

I lost my best friend to cancer last December. She was 59. We had all of these “big plans” for after retirement.

Work doesn’t seem like such a priority anymore…

best of luck to you,

joatmon

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[Wgreen]

Well gang, getting to the bottom of life’s problems can be complicated. I’m a perfectionist (not a very good one, but still a perfectionist) when it comes to many things. Like ADD, it seems to run in my family. Pete’s an M&A (mergers and acquisitions) attorney. That means HE HAS to be a perfectionist at the office. A slip up and the ceiling could cave in on him. For many years, I had a job that required extensive attention to detail, as well. (Almost killed me!) But that didn’t mean my work spaces at home and at the office—and my state of mind— weren’t a wreck.

I always thought perfectionism was a good thing. But then I read up on it, and now I’m struck by how many characteristics (pathological) perfectionists seem to share with ADDers. I just thought it was interesting. Beyond that… I have no idea what to make of it.

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[Curlymoe115]

Is it really about perfectionism or control. I find that their are so many areas of my life out of control that when I find an area of my life that I am good at, I have to have control. From Dh’s work, leisure ect to my kids. When I was working I felt like I had to be everything to everyone. My GF is a manager with a company. She works 70 or more hours regularly. She goes into the office at 10 am and walks out at midnight or better. Fridays are their busy day and she walks out at 6 am Saturday morning. She is often called into work on her weekends. When she goes on vacation they give her a cell phone to keep in tough if they need her. Her health has suffered. She is only 42 but she has already had 2 heart attacks. She has had cataracts from too much close work. She gets sick all the time. She can’t regulate her weight and often eats food which makes her sick because it is convenient. Her boss often has screaming fits and calls her a bunch of names and is literally spitting mad. Because she is divorced with no children he figures that she is not entitled to a life outside of work. She manages 50 employees (give or take they are always having people quit because of the amount of work and the hostile work environment) who make little more then minimum wage. Yet because she is willing to put up with this she figures that they owe body and soul to work as well. They often leave her in the lurch and she uses this excuse to justify why she can’t take the time back that is owed to her. She has canceled vacation time when work needs intercede. All the male managers in her workplace that are the same level as her make 20 grand more then her. They are able to leave at a reasonable time and they respect that they are off the clock when they leave. One day I will get a call that she has been hospitalized or died. Yet after 7 years of this she is still unable to quit. Now on top of her many other duties they have heaped new ones on her and she is expected to travel 4 days a week trying to drum up new business for the company so that she is not having to lay off more people. Her ex had the job before her and he was never expected to do what she is doing. He had an assistant to handle all the day to day problems and an office door that acted as a gate between them. She moved her desk out into the main work area so she could Control everything that was going on. Now they feel free to stop at her desk to carp about everything. She personally proofs everything before it is sent away. For 60 employees. Nothing leaves the department without her signature. When mistakes are made she has made herself responsible. Then her boss is back threatening and bullying again. Even after eye surgery she only gave herself a morning off. She is always in limbo between hoping and dreading that they will fire her. They would have to pay her a severance package that would allow her time to find a new job. But at 42 when is she going to realize life is too short for the life she leads.

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[Anonymous]

pete-puma: Have you had any luck with this? I understand your frustration… when you’re good at what you do, you showcase it or just take charge, and then people keep relying on you to do it, and they start adding on to your pile. What I had to do is start making a big deal about your after work plans and that you’re looking forward on relaxing and doing non-work things. The more people understand that you have a “life” and have definite plans that can’t be interrupted, they are going to think twice about calling you or at least not expect an immediate response from your email on your blackberry or iPhone.

As a co-owner of a small business, it used to be impossible for me to go on vacations (like you) without being called on. So, I started taking out of country vacations!! Mexico, Carribeans… and let them know I would be out of country for 7 days. I made sure my email had a auto-reply of “contact this person because I am unreachable until x date”. And guess what?? They survived without me for those 7 days…. but I’ve learned that we have to be strict about setting our boundries, because we can’t be the people that everyone unloads on simply so they can have a better personal life!!

Saying no is also a part of that. Teaching others how to do the same things that you and I do, also is a part of that. But letting go of some of the perfectionism is so important. I had to ask myself, if this thing is not done exactly how I would’ve done it, does it really matter? Is the report still valid? Is all the content still there? If it works, then I need to learn to let go a little more for my own sanity!! Hope you can to!

Let me know how it’s been going!

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