Because maybe you guys all understand

[Anonymous]

It’s 3:58 am,and I’m still awake. I slept basically all day after being up until 7am the previous day. Something that happens often.

I got fired for the first time a little over a month ago. Because I was late every day. Every day.

I start a new full time job on Monday and I’m so nervous that I’m going to screw it up. It’s a great opportunity for me, though I have a feeling it’s going to be a struggle. I don’t want to mess it up just because I can’t be on time.

I’m not on medication and this is why I struggle with figuring out if I want to be or not.

Besides just forgetting to make another appt. with the psychiatrist I was seeing,I don’t know if this is something I want to do.

A little while ago I Googled ADD quotes, just for the heck of it,and the first one I clicked on was a list of positive quotes. Quotes about how ADD minds are wonderful because of their creativity,their high intelligence,and flexibility. I kept reading and it had a lot of quotes from guidance and information books,and the positive spin on the reason people think ADD is a nuisance.

It made me cry.I’m not normally very sappy or whiny, but the tears just started pouring, even as I’m writing this I’m tearing up.

Every time I read about ADD and different people’s views or experiences with it, it just makes so much sense to me. It’s like everything clicks. Life has been so struggling at times and it’s just such a relief to read about it because I feel like there’s a reason.

It made me wonder more than ever if I really want to take medication.

I actually love the person I am and loving how different I’ve always been,despite the obvious drawbacks.

I have so many talents,I’m smart,can adapt to almost any situation, and I’m extremely intuitive.

I’m pretty much always in a good mood, and can find something positive or fun to do with any situation. I love the things that make me,me.

I’m great in times of emergency,I always stay calm and just do what needs to be done instead of freaking out.

I can have a conversation with just about anyone.

I can remember the most random facts about so many things.

I’m always able to laugh about things.

Knowing practically every song I’ve ever heard.

But at the same time, I get so annoyed when I make the most stupid, simple mistakes.

Miss the most obvious things, sometimes.

Sit around for hours doing things that are not productive at all, when I should be doing things that are.

I never want to have anyone over, because my apartment is ALWAYS a mess.

Saying that I’m going to start working out this year, for the passed 4 years.

Doing great in school up until high school because I couldn’t manage the homework,despite acing the tests.

Always finding myself alone because I can’t seem to make a friendship last.

Having my violin collect dust because,in spite of my desire to learn, I can’t learn from a book,and can’t afford lessons.

Screwing up every promotion I’ve ever had because I can’t manage all the tasks that come along with the responsibility.

Making more of a mess when I try to start cleaning than I had in the first place.

Getting angry and feeling like shit when people call me lazy, or irresponsible when it’s really not the case at all.

And I hate it when people think I’m just weird or less intelligent because of the way that I think or carry a conversation.

I also hate that I’m a girl sometimes, I think it’s much easier (in society) for a man to have these issues. Maybe it’s because males have ADD/ADHD then females, but I feel like some of my problems would be easier to manage if I wasn’t female. I would much rather go out and get some construction job or work on cars, but I didn’t have people showing me those kinds of things when I was younger. Most of the things I know now I’ve figured out on my own or found ways to learn it. But with those kinds of jobs I don’t have what I need to learn, and most people aren’t willing to teach me, usually because I’m a female, and why should they take me seriously, right?

I suppose I don’t really have a particular point to this post,but it’s nice to get it all out, and I would definitely appreciate any sort of feedback,or mutual feelings. Especially on the”to medicate or not to medicate” question.

I’m going to try to be “responsible” and get some sleep.

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[laddybug3]

I am always early for events. This is what I do: if I have something early to do I get ready the night before, get directons, make sure I need to be on time, then a half an hour before I leave go over everything I need, and then go with it.

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[dspicelady]

cayjam- you are showing your “all or nothing” ADD traits! We ADDers tend to think, wrongly of course, that if meds are prescribed to cure an illness, then ADD meds must cure ADD. If the wonderful parts of ADD are part of the problem, then they will be cured as well. Meds aren’t going to take away those wonderful things that make you the fabulous person you are. They are yours. Meds won’t stop you from being late for things or being a good friend either! The choice to medicate is yours, but consider this. You state numerous, let’s call them symptoms, that you are struggling with. If meds helped you to deal with those symptoms (not eliminate, but gave you the tools to DEAL with them), without taking away even one of the wonderful things you like about yourself, how would you feel about meds then? Let’s say meds helped you focus long enough to clean your home. Now you can invite guests over without feeling stress the whole time they are there, which makes you a better hostess, which means you can also focus on conversing with them. Now meds have also helped you to be more mindful of your “blurt-mouth”, so you are not always saying dumb things at the wrong time, so you eventually relax around these people, knowing you can trust yourself more. Friendships blossom within this context.

Meds will not take away your creativity, your intelligence or your fun-loving attitude. It will only remove the roadblock that’s been stopping you from the things youve wanted/needed to do. You still have to do the work (cleaning, working out, etc), but with meds, your thoughts will be more like, ” well, better get to the laundry….i’m actually getting the laundry done!” , instead of “well, better get to the laundry….oh look, a pebble!”

We ADDers don’t need to be fixed, but sometimes we need some help. Whether this help is in the form of therapy, meditation, coaching, exercise, meds or a combination of any or all or something else entirely is completely up to the individual. We are all different with different challenges and strengths.

Advice? Try out some different approaches. Nothing you try has to be permanent, even meds. Just experiment and see what gives you the most positive benefits. You will know what works for you and what doesn’t. It’s a journey. Good luck!

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[Curlymoe115]

You should ask your new boss if there is a little flexibility in the start time. Tell him if you are ten minutes late you are willing to work an extra ten minutes at the end. If not set an alarm 15 minutes before you have to leave the house and this is a signal to finish everything up and leave the house. Everything else will have to wait until you get home or you will have to spend a couple of minutes at work to complete your make up. There are lots of Womens Construction organizations if you want to be in construction but they want you early, in your coveralls, ready to work 15 minutes before the start of the work day so they can do the brief in the morning. The only time you really have any flexibility in start times is if you work for yourself.

I am glad that you have found so many things to love about yourself. Females in this world have so many more societal expectations on them then men. When you have children you will more then likely find that you look after your children and men babysit. There are more men that are actively involved with their children but for the most part women still do the majority of the unpaid work for the family. I know that anything that goes on in our family is my responsibility. DH has now been off for 6 weeks and I am still the one handling the grunt work. Good luck.

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[Wgreen]

Cayjam–

Just curious: Were you late to work because you overslept? (You mentioned that you had sleep issues.) Or because you just didn’t organize your morning schedule?

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[Lindstr7]

Wow Cayjam. Did you steal my notes That was my rant for years and years, til I actually had an AHA! moment from this website and hearing about ADHD more and more in the media. I thought geeze, I am STILL in the same exact place I was when I was 20 except now I have a kid and loads of bills to pay. I HAD to try something. Changed my diet, cut out booze and started exercising (sort of). Those things helped, but something was still not connecting. I Still felt like i wasn’t really a participant in my own life, that the world was flinging me here then there and life was passing me by while everyone else was out having fun, enjoying life and making progress.

I was late EVERY DAY for every job I ever had. Would work for a year max (making excuses was an art for me), then quit. Like you, I started an AMAZing job that had great benefits, let me come in late, wanted to promote me, and one day I, I have no idea why, I went in early before anyone was there, wrote a resignation note, quit and went home. DUH! I would hate to see that happen to you with your new job.

Not sure what was keeping me from my doctor, but maybe the stigma of someone my age having a disorder that was identified with hyperactive little boys; admitting that I had something wrong with me; taking medication for something that I thought I should be old enough to manage on my own…..? Not sure why, but when I did….WHat a RElief!! She gave me a test and all signs pointed to ADHD, sent me to a psychiatrist who also tested me and he concurred, wrote me a prescription for Ritalin, recommended a group therapy session and said “keep in contact, let me know if you have any side effects, see you in a month”. Wow, that was easy, what was I so worried about.

I started taking a SMALL dose of Ritalin and noticed a change pretty quickly, and its helped me ever since, with some minor adjustments and side-effects that eventually went away. I wish I’d done it years ago. It is as Spice lady says, NOT a CURE, but rather a tool that helps me focus more clearly on ways I can change my behavior patterns. I no longer go to the laundry (grudgingly, like my feet were made of lead), and say “pebble!” and wander away from my original goal. Now I say Laundry time, make myself get up (not nearly as much of a struggle), go down and actually do laundry, not only stick it in the washer, but in the dryer, out of the dryer, folded neatly and put away! egads…..a first for me. Now, when I have to be somewhere ON TIME, I am more clear-headed and realistic about when I have to leave the house, account for traffic, time of day, hair, makeup done earlier, clothes the night before, and I usually am on time now. I’m looking forward to starting classes again as soon as I move back to CA, and start doing what I want to do in life, start controlling my life instead of ADHD controlling me. Some days are still better than others and I still have to work on behavior patterns but its so much easier now, like a giant weight has been lifted off me.

Now, I’ve been accused on this site of advocating drugs by a poster so I’m NOT advocating drugs to you…..just sharing my experience. Many people here choose not to use meds but look to behavioral techniques and methods.

You’ve already taken the first steps by recognizing your patterns of behavior and your trail of “misadventures.” Because I felt your pain and frustration in your post, it pains me to read about where you are in your life and how you are hurting. My EX husband just flat out called me a “Waste.” You aced your tests, you want to play violin,….I’d say, judging from your list of “positives” you are an amazingly talented person being held back by something. I’m not a doctor, so it would be irresponsible of me to say ADHD but it sure points to it much the way mine did.

I grew up with four brothers who were always ruling the roost and I was sort of off in the corner somewhere. So I know what you mean about being a guy. I’m so glad I’m female!!! We have so much to offer the world and we’re not always distracted by (s.e.x.) the way most guys are. I seriously think we should be in charge of the world! Okay, enough of my grandstanding.

Dspicelady, said it much more eloquently, and every person reacts differently to different methods, meds, so you have to figure out what works best for you with experimentation. I recommend watching the videos on this page to get you started if you haven’t already….

http://totallyadd.com/sponsored-video-5-medications-alphabetically/

Scroll down to video 1 and work your way through to 5. It cleared up a lot of fears and misconceptions I had about taking medication. Lots of other good vids and links available here too.

Good luck and would love to have an update.

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[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the feedback everyone! I really appreciate it and I’m going to definitely take a lot of your advice. And Wgreen, it was a little bit of a mixture of me being too tired to get up,procrastinating getting out of bed,and some poor time management getting ready. I’ve actually had these problems for years,I’m not really sure what causes me to be so tired. The good news is, my new job is for my local hospital and I’m hoping this will let me get access to more information. Plus they have free workout programs,nutritionists and personal trainers for us so I’m hoping this will help me out with some of my issues. I’ll let you know how it goes!

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[sylvie]

I so much relate to all of the above! Thanks for writing it! I’ve tried Concerta, Aderall, Stratera with no sucess. I’m about to start Wellbutrin. I’m using A LOT of organizing tools but anxiety and tiredness are still there. My problem is that I feel I won’t have time to do ALL of what I want to do. And abandonning ideas is difficult for me. So it creates stress and consumes adrenaline. I hope I’m not distracting the topic here. Ciao!

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[Anonymous]

I guess I should add that I actually have tried Wellbutrin, and it kind of discouraged me that the Dr tried to start me off on an anti-depressant, I’m not depressed. I understand why he did it and everything but I was just in the mentality “I want something that’s going to work,now.” Having to keep buying new medicines all the time and experimenting just sounded ridiculous. But the Wellbutrin didn’t work for me at all! The only effect it had on was making me cranky, tired,and my face broke out. And the first 2 days I was on it, I sort of felt like I was in a haze. But Sylvie, maybe if the stimulant drugs don’t work for you, Wellbutrin will. Now I just have almost 2 bottles sitting around collecting dust

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[Author]

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