Dad ADD too?

[Anonymous]

As soon as I was diagnosed, I realized that my father very probably has it as well. I now understand some of his behavior but I still find it impossible to forgive right now. For one thing, why did he never seek treatment?

As a child I was always afraid of his bad temper – he would just blurt out the first thing he thought, no matter how hurtful, and after one of his rages the family would have to carry on like nothing happened. Any reaction I’d have was immediately trivialized – “your father is under a lot of stress, you know.” Most of this stress was self-inflicted – because of his impulsive habits, money was always an issue, and there were legal consequences of this more than once.

Any form of stimulation would drive him crazy – noise especially. He’d often go into a crazy rage in public because of his sensitivity to crowds and noise. Of course, us kids were blamed again for ‘irritating him’.

For a while I thought he was just infantile or had Narcissistic Personality Disorder or something, but when I was diagnosed things fell into place. But the most painful part is, I can’t get over how I was treated as a child. All of the ADD characteristics that I shared with my father, I was mercilessly punished for. Maybe he especially hated those traits in himself, but I’m tired of trying to understand him, and for my own sanity I don’t speak to my parents anymore.

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[Anonymous]

Hi Green

I am ADHD and I think both my mother and father were as well.

My mother was very sensitive to ANY sounds and used to go nuts! She also suffered from terrible rages that seemingly came up out of nowhere. She also became an alcoholic, but had all of these behaviors before the booze.

My mother passed away when I was young, but the emotional baggage stayed.

I read books from the library on alcoholism, toxic parents, mentally ill parents, etc etc..anything I could get my hands on.

Eventually, I wrote everything out that I felt. I kept writing and writing and writing. Days, nights, weeks…I kept writing..it just poured out.

I cried, felt sorry for myself, hated my mother, got exhausted and thought it was a bottomless pit.

Then there was no more anger and grief left.

Then ripped it all up and threw it away. It was extemely cathartic.

My advice is to find a way to purge yourself of these feelings in private. Get it out in a safe way..in a safe environment. Writing worked for me. You could also speak to a mental health professional about it. Why do it alone when you can have help?

There are also really excellent books about toxic parents and how to deal with them.

I have members in my family who are very toxic to me and I choose not to speak to them. I don’t agree that in all cases you must still maintain a connection with someone who treats you negatively because you are related to them. I ask myself…….

‘If this was a friend or stranger, would I allow this person to treat me like this?’

I think that just because you are related to someone doesn’t give them carte blanche to treat you in an abusive way.

However, I share a lot of the traits that my mother had. I try to be very aware of NOT responding like she did.

In some warped way, going through all that crap with her has made me more aware of those negative traits in myself similar to hers that I need to be aware of. And control if I want to lead a happy life.

I hope this helps..keep us posted!

: )

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[Anonymous]

Thanks MerryMac.

Re my father’s sensitivity to noise –

He would have the TV on full blast, all day – I now know, to cover up other sounds. If there was somebody talking (even in the next room) he’d angrily “shhhh!!’, then go back to reading – in front of the cranked TV. The sound of clanking silverware seemed to particularly trigger him, so mealtimes were always accompanied by blaring TV or radio – and Dad’s monologues, as he also found it impossible to listen to anybody else speak, it seemed.

I sometimes start feeling a measure of pity for the bare-wires hell his own head must have been, but then I remember being constantly bullied and humiliated for being “oversensitive” and “selfish”, and all my sympathy disappears. I brought this up at a support group once and was told I should be more ‘forgiving’ (“or it’ll eat you up inside”) and ‘compassionate’ (“imagine how bad it must’ve been for him”.) – perhaps because everyone else in the group were parents themselves? (After my horrible experience of family life I’ve stayed childless way into middle age and will probably remain so.) I felt invalidated and never brought it up again.

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[Anonymous]

Hello again Green!

I’m so glad you replied!

In my opinion, you have every right to feel the way you did and no one can tell you otherwise.

They probably had not ‘been there’ like we have. Abuse, whether physical or emotional takes it’s toll on you.

My mother’s favorite nickname for me was ‘Stupid’…as in ‘Tell Stupid to get over here..’

Stuff like that on an ongoing basis hurts worse than being punched. I’ve had both. It’s disgusting.

I ask those people who are making excuses for the abuser, your father in your case…

If a stranger behaved like this, would it be acceptable?

NO?

Then why is it acceptable for a parent to do this to their child when they are supposed to love, guide and help them, unlike a stranger?

correct answer : It is not acceptable to treat another human being in this way.Period.

Anyone who thinks like this has never been through humiliation and hell by a parent.

Feel better…there are many of us out here who ‘get it’ and are on your side.

: )

Keep us posted!

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[Anonymous]

Hi Green

Anger is as natural, (even healthy up to a point), a response to emotional injury as physical pain is in response to physical injury. But just as the pain of an physical injury can sometimes remain and become chronic pain long after the body has healed, mental and emotional pain can persist decades after the events that caused it. At some point, somehow it may improve. Or you may need to find pain management strategies that enable you to be as high functioning as possible in as many ways as possible. If recognizing that the ongoing toxicity of a relationship is making your pain worse, and discontinuing the relationship makes you better able to function, then it might be necessary to do that. You are allowed to save your own life.

“Why did he never seek treatment?” Any number of reasons.

Firstly, he might well have recognized his sensitivity as an inherited trait, but not seen it as symptomatic of a treatable condition. “I have my father’s hair-trigger temper” just like “I have my mother’s blue eyes”.

Secondly, if you are “way into middle age”, then this was probably at least thirty, forty years ago. Back then, ADHD was called hyperactivity and if it was diagnosed at all it was widely assumed that it was little boys who couldn’t sit still and that they would eventually grow out of it. There was no widespread awareness of ADD as a phenomenon that persists into adulthood, and how it manifests itself in adults. Even if he had sought treatment, he might well have been diagnosed (rightly or wrongly) with depression or sent to anger management workshops or something – which might or might not have been helpful- but it’s unlikely that he would have been diagnosed with and treated for ADD. Adults who are diagnosed are frequently first detected after their children are diagnosed. If you were only diagnosed as an adult, then you went through school undetected, even though they probably were screening for it in children back then. So if you weren’t diagnosed by the criteria of the day, how likely is it that he would have been?

Furthermore, while I agree that it might well be likely that your father shares this problem, he might also have had different problems with similar symptoms. For example, the symptoms you describe – flying into rages for no good reason, poor judgment, blurting things out etc could also be the long term consequences of a head injury. In which case, even if he had sought help, there wouldn’t have been many useful treatment options.

Lastly, there was, and let’s face it still is, stigma attached to mental health problems and learning disabilities. It can be especially hard for men to admit to themselves, much less share with anybody else that they have mental or emotional health issues or disabilities even these days. Forty years ago it was even less acceptable. Plus he had to worry about whether if such a thing were to become known about him, it would damage his reputation at work. Would it cost him the possibility of advancement? The job? His ability ever to get another job? Even though privacy is supposed to be guaranteed and protected, and discrimination is illegal, we all know that the realities of the workplace often don’t work that way. Even if he’d recognized that he had a problem, he might have felt that the risks he would have believed to be involved in admitting it and seeking treatment might well have outweighed the benefits he might have hoped to achieve.

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[trashman]

hi ican relate my dad was like that and thinking back his dad was worse . ithink if it was with my parents mental illness was a thing of shame, having said that does not make it ok but maybe if older people from past generations could be honest with themseves they would have had a diffierent kind of a life. i have family members with adhad but if i say something then iam the one that is nuts. well i have not been tested yet still wating my doc seems to be convinced iam and has me on 72mg of concerta, it is like the different of night and day.so having said that i don,t spend time on making them better right know i am learning this to make my life better.my parents have both pasted away so in one way iam lucky i dont have to tell two old people there life might have been alot better. hope this helps.

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