Dealing with Disbelief

[wolfshades]

I posted a blog that was partly based on the excellent ADD forum hosted by Dr. J. and Rick this past Saturday. One of my closest friends had a lengthy sceptical comment about my discovery about ADHD and extroversion and then she added this:

“It’s been the diagnosis du jour for over a decade”

Took me two comments to respond to that, one last night and another one this morning. Here’s an excerpt of my response, just dealing with that comment:

“As for the “diagnosis du jour” thing …..People love pigeon-holing others ‘oh you’re just a liberal’, etc. The difference here is that when people can’t figure out why they can’t keep jobs, or why they drop out of school out of frustration when they are *clearly* intelligent, when they can’t keep focus – if there’s an underlying condition causing all of this, verified by medical professionals – why is that a bad thing?

“Diagnosis du jour” implies a thought that perhaps the condition doesn’t exist at all; that it’s just a fad, a trend. That’s the equivalent of saying “oh you don’t have a migraine and need Fiorinal; it’s just a bad headache. Get over it.” Gnome sayin’?”

I wonder how others here have handled scepticism. If it’s a stranger offering it up, I could give two s**ts about their opinion. When it’s a close friend or family member though – different story.

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[Tim]

It’s not easy to take comments like that after a while so I have become a lot more careful about who I talk to about it. I don’t think others can really understand what ADD has done to us, especially when “lazy, stupid or crazy” seems to explain everything to them.

I have on occasion ranted about how I have intelligence and abilities that they could only dream of (if they were smart enough even to do that) but almost ended up homeless on the street. About how I have to work twice as hard to get anything done. About the frustration that comes with failing again and again. To be honest, this seems not to be a good tactic as all it does is shut them up.

It was suggested that I merely say that I have had a professional diagnosis that explains an awful lot about the difficulties I have and provides a path to dealing with it. I’ll let you know when I try this one.

Sometimes I just want to slap the person upside the head but that’s probably not good either….

I’d love read some successful responses too.

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[Anonymous]

I like to ask them what they are basing their statements on. Force them to defend THEIR claims instead of letting them make me defensive. In my experience you can spout all the evidence in the world but will rarely succeed in changing someone’s opinion if you’re doing it defensively. On the other hand, when you ask them what they are basing their claims on it forces them to THINK about what they are saying. At that point they will either:

1) admit that it is a baseless opinion

2) spout some over-used cliche’

3) or they will cite some actual sources that are or appear legitimate

When faced with number one I point out they are doing the very thing that Doctors are accused of doing when diagnosing ADHD: jumping to baseless conclusions without taking the time to look at the evidence. I then ask if they want some scientific facts.

When faced with number two I usually continue to ask them to be more specific, again forcing them to THINK about what they are saying and not just parrot back what they have heard. If they continue to be vague and general in their answers I force them to be more specific until they have to admit they don’t know (see number one) or they make a specific allegation. When the allegation becomes specific enough I will cite hard facts and sources I can back up.

When faced with number three you have to have the evidence to back up your claims and/or to show the faults in their sources. The sources usually come down to legitimate sounding claims that have been disproved (like Scientologist’s claims), claims from non-scientific or non-reputable studies (like those used to sell products on infomercials), claims from scientific studies that were lacking controls or large enough sample groups (lending themselves to bias or statistical anomalies), or legitimate controlled studies the results of which are taken out of context; or contradict the vast majority of other legitimate studies; or are too new to draw definitive conclusions. Fortunately, you won’t be faced with number three very often but it is always good to have your sources ready. Dr. Charles Barkley is always a great source. He is the foremost scientist researching adult ADHD today and there are a lot of videos and articles by him available on the internet.

Never try to defend against baseless generalities. If someone is touting feelings or cliches as evidence and they cannot see the problem with that, then they are being irrational and are not interested in facts. Your evidence will bear no weight with them and trying to change their minds will just aggravate you. Just walk away.

WW

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[Anonymous]

I started writing my response before Tim posted his. I’d like to add a couple of comments in response to him.

I’ve had moderate success using Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) as an analogy with ADD. Most people can’t understand why someone with OCD who has to keep checking the lock on the door can’t just stop themselves or write themselves notes to remind them they really did lock the door, yet most people believe and accept that OCD is a legitimate neurological disorder. I ask them to try to think of ADD like they do OCD. That sometimes works.

Tim is right about others just not being able to understand. Even my wife and best friends, who accept the truth about ADD and believe me, still say things every now and then (like “just concentrate” or “just try harder”) that show that they really don’t understand. I’ve come to accept that they probably never will. They simply don’t have the ability to conceive of someone having so much difficulty with something that’s second nature to them. At some point we all reach a stage where it’s enough that they support and believe us even if they can’t understand. Otherwise, we’ll become bitter and cynical and who wants to live life like that.

WW

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[wolfshades]

I like what you’ve written, WW – in both comments.

This is all fairly new to me – within the past year or so – although I’ve always had a problem with focus since I was a kid. I emphatically agree with your thought about not defending, and in fact, that’s been my habit (not defending) on pretty much everything else. But because ADHD is so new to me, I kind of forgot. Sort of.

Like migraines, ADHD is hard to understand unless you’ve actually experienced it. Can’t tell you how many times when I was younger that my boss or friends looked at me in a weird way when I told them I couldn’t make it into work, or go out for a party because of a migraine. “What? You’re staying home because of a headache???” Sort of the equivalent of “you can’t finish this project because of a lack of focus? Well GET FOCUSED! TRY HARDER.”

Ugh. Ugly, no matter which way you look at it.

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[Sirisly]

I find that when I talk about having ADD people are so quick to say “I’m soooo ADD, too.” That bugs me because they just have no clue how awful ADD is and that it’s so much more than accidentally locking your keys in the car or doing something impulsive on occasion. If I tell someone it’s because I want them to understand something about me and look below the surface. When they dismiss me like that it feels like they don’t really care or believe me.

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[Anonymous]

I can so relate. It’s not just adhd. I have that syndrome but I also have anxiety and people have a hard time believing it. I have to lie at those family reunions about how I’m doing professionally because they don’t get it. Success is the in thing and no one is allowed to fail. Failure at the job market gets you ostracized. You don’t get laid. You don’t get phone numbers. You don’t get respect. More than that there is still the stigma of mental illness and society labeling adhd and anxiety and everything else as the disease of the decade is just a cheap way to let themselves off the hook and avoid responsibility to confront this problem. Vision and outward appearance are the last of the human prejudices. They can’t see sores or lesions. So it becomes easy to label people dismissively. That’s another thing that doesn’t get you laid or dates for that matter. We are told that we got issues. It makes them feel superior to say that to us. They like to think that they are the ones with their heads on straight and we are the fucked up ones. FUCK EM!!!

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[Anonymous]

Well as tempting as it’d be to point out he’s the Arse du jour Rick had another tactic. I just don’t remember where he wrote it lol…

It was basically countering by feigning interest in what they’re saying. Then asking for something to back it up like what study is that from? Who wrote that paper? So basically exposing them in a not so confrontational way but making them look like an idiot. Personally I would do the same but make it clear I’m calling him on his statement.

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