diagnoses, disbelief, labels…

[Anonymous]

I suspect that I have ADD (inattentive subtype)…I had an assessment a few years ago after being referred by my university, and it said I had an attention deficit secondary to depression. The implication being that if I fix the depression, the attention deficit should go away. I don’t really believe that it will…maybe just because I can’t imagine what life would be like without my lifelong companions depression and anxiety. But also because there are too many signs from my childhood…I was a really daydreamy kid…so incredibly slow at things because I was always off in the clouds or lost in a book. My mother had to take me to daycare buck naked and wrapped in a blanket on occasion because I was too slow getting dressed. And an elementary school teacher told her that if there was a fire they’d have to get me out first or I’d burn to death I was really creative, but I was also just so messy and disorganized and off in the clouds all the time. My nicknames were “turtle” and “katie make-a-mess”.

So I wonder. But my inner critic always bitches at me, “you don’t have ADD, you’re just lazy and disorganized and messy and stupid and you just need to get your shit together.” I can believe that other people have ADD, but when I think about it applied to me it’s like I don’t even believe that it exists…if that makes any sense.

I don’t know that having an “official” diagnosis would make any difference anyway. I know I have trouble with attention and organization etc. etc., and getting a rubber stamp won’t change that; I have to just find a way to get my shit together. It’s not like I could tell my employer about it; I’ve tried that before and my boss was like “yeah, everyone has ADD”. Disclosing about depression has already caused enough trouble. And I recently started taking Wellbutrin for depression and it seems to be helping some of this other stuff too. So maybe the means don’t matter as long as the ends are getting worked out.

When I think about all the diagnoses that have been floating around me…depression, social anxiety, PTSD, OCD, bipolar, ADD…what does the label matter? They’re all trying to describe pieces of the same elephant.

Anyway, just needed to rant a bit. Thank you internets.

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts