Difficulting Managing People I Hire

[Anonymous]

What I mean is this… when I hire someone, for instance a mover, an accountant, whatever, I often feel that I am taken advantage of. I recognize this is poor management on my part, and a putting off of dealing with difficult conversations, but this one is driving me crazy!

I understand that I need to have people around me that can help take care of the things I have difficulty with. I am on board with that, totally. But if I cannot trust myself to manage the “team” that I need in place (and after a difficult couple of years I am feeling especially challenged in this regard), then putting the team in place feels like it creates more stress, more unmanageability.

Anyway, I am not looking for solutions at this point, so much as feedback – is this a common trait, or am I just “special”.

Thanks in advance,

P

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[Anonymous]

taken advantage of how? do you have different expectations or standards than they do? do they run a-mok and take off with your money? do you feel like you end up doing everything yourself, are kept out of the loop, deadlines fall by the wayside and they do a halfassed job 3 weeks late, etc?

i know i can be a wicked control freak sometimes, but other times i’m just on a totally different page than whoever i’m working with! i know other people, however, who just do not know how to accurately assess the capabilities of whoever they’ve got doing a job, can’t delegate effectively and keep their nose out while they get on with it, suck at troubleshooting (denial!) and assertiveness, and who have a wicked case of the ‘poor little me’s’- which combine to make a really crappy outcome. i’m not naming ny names, mind you!

i know that you’re not looking for it- but it might still help someone else: what has helped me is having my first discussion with anyone who is doing a job for me be a breifing type thing- with me telling them what i need and expect out of the deal, and them letting me know if they can acheive that, and an agreement being worked out together- i’d write my parts down before the meeting, we could edit, then i’d follow up by emailing them a copy later.

when i was involved in youthwork we used the NAOMIE model- we’d look at:

Needs

Aims

Objectives

Methods

Implementation

Evaluation

and i’ve used it with other projects outside of work too- buying and moving house, planning a trip, etc. having that framework of “ok, what do i need to get done? what exactly am i aiming to have happen? by when? where? lets make a list! what exactly needs done, whos gonna do it, and how? who is gonna ‘make it so’ (in the words of jean-luc picard )? is it getting done? does it work? how did it go all round? what could be better next time? how?” and attaching little date markers to keep me on track through the process, can help a lot. all i need then is someone to nudge me into keeping an eye on it.

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[Patte Rosebank]

I think it does come down to the “control” thing. We feel so strongly that we’re the only one who can do the task properly, that, even when we need to get the help of someone specialized in the task, we’re still terrified that they’ll screw up (even though, we’d have screwed up far more royally on our own), that we can’t leave them alone to do what we asked them to.

This is why Mom drives us crazy at every holiday family dinner, by over-planning everything and under-estimating the time needed to do it. She asks us to help, but instead of taking some of the pressure off her, it just gives her something else to worry about—“What if they don’t do it right? (gasp!)”

Even when we try to defuse the situation by having the dinner at my brother’s place (where he & I can do the decorating and most of the cooking) or at a restaurant, she still tries to organize & run everything, in order to achieve her impossible ideal of the perfect family gathering. Never mind that the “family” no longer includes aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents; it’s just the four of us. So instead of the “perfect” gathering, the whole thing spirals into such stress & conflict, that we now consider holiday dinners to be not celebrated, but ENDURED. I miss the old days of looking forward to holiday dinners…

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[Wgreen]

Hi P.

You own a business, right? How big is it? What does it do? How long have you been at it?

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[Anonymous]

Hi wgreen,

Well, in terms of business, I was a partner for about 10 years in a boutique hr technology firm. I was the CTO, and my partners were all based in the US, while I ran the development up here. Funny enough, in the context of the business, I seemed to do well managing my staff, and vendors. Not perfect, but overall pretty well. My personal life on the other hand….

The title of the post may sound like I am paranoid, or something like that. In fact, I understand quite well that the issue is my ability to manage to my expectations in certain situations, and a strong tendency to avoid having difficult discussions before things get out of hand. Consequently, what is supposed to help me, make things more manageable, has instead created more stress, unmanageability, self recrimination, further financial difficulty, etc.

Yet I must put the proper resources in place if I am to live in some level of sanity and piece of mind. So, trying again with an ADD Coach.

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[Wgreen]

Hey Paul,

I think it’s very hard—though not impossible— for (untreated) ADD people to be effective managers. If you feel you did pretty well, you deserve a pat on the back. Good managers lead by example, and we don’t always excel in that department: Our desks are a mess. We find it hard to get things done on schedule. We’re scattered and unfocused. You know the drill. Moreover, I think some people with ADD are often reluctant to hold employees to work standards that they, themselves, do not —cannot meet. That is often noted by staff and exploited. And the problem can be exacerbated by a poor self image fueled by constant frustration: we’re smart, we’ve got the ideas, we can see a forest before most people see a single tree. If only we didn’t have to contend with our disorder, we could conquer the world. But we do, so we constantly beat ourselves up.

I don’t know what the answer is. If the business were yours, you could try to find a few people to do the things you can’t. (I’m sure you’ve heard the old saw that entrepreneurs need to be working ON their businesses, not IN them. I don’t know anybody who’s is good at everything. And it doesn’t take long to realize we don’t have the time to do everything. It’s time-consuming enough just to worry about everything.) Suffice it to say, I feel your pain. I’ve run a multi-million dollar business, and every day was a challenge, a constant emotional gyration between concern and panic, between frustration and despair.

Good luck with your coach. I think many mental-health professionals are just starting to get their heads around the dynamics and true insidiousness of the disorder. To be fair, it doesn’t help that ADD sufferers present different, sometimes contradictory symptoms. In any event, I wish you the best going forward.

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[Anonymous]

Appreciate the response. Larynxa, thanks for your viewpoint, had not thought about it in terms of controlling. jeneticallymodified, thanks for you thoughts as well.

wgreen, thanks for the positive thoughts. Also, I completely related to your comment – “Moreover, I think some people with ADD are often reluctant to hold employees to work standards that they, themselves, do not —cannot meet.” I have been feeling this more recently in my current position. I am in line to take more responsibility within my team, but since the last year has been particularly difficult on a number of fronts, my self esteem has taken a bit of a beating. My path this year I believe is to begin addressing this, but this comment resonated with me. Good to be aware of it.

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