Don't Bring Me Down

[blackdog]

You’re having a great day, really on a roll, getting stuff done that you’ve been procrastinating on, excited about (maybe) turning over a new leaf and getting things sorted for good this time. You feel like you’re on top of the world, invincible, like you really can do it all.

And then someone comes along and ruins it. Why? Why do other people have to bring us down all the time?

Today, I have been working at cleaning out the basement, something I have been putting off for a very long time. It’s a sunny day and no rain is forecast for the rest of the week so I decided it was a good time because I can haul all the boxes and bags and bins and containers and extra bits of furniture and odds and ends and unidentifiable things upstairs and shove them out on the  patio, where it will be easier to sort them and toss what needs to be tossed. Then I can clean the rooms I’m working on while they are empty and put things back in an orderly fashion.

Good plan, right?

Then my husband decides to get int the way….. or what he would call “help”. And now he’s outside picking up leaves and refusing to talk to me and I’m sitting on the couch, typing this, eating disgustingly unhealthy food, and thinking about just giving up and setting the place on fire. And all because I….

Frowned at him. That’s it. That’s all I did. And the reason I did this was because he was disrupting the plan, first by doing other things that don’t really need to be done right now, then starting to clean in a totally different area than the one I was working on, and then slowing everything down by picking up one tiny little bit at a time and standing there analyzing it and asking me about it.

If I say it’s garbage, it’s garbage.If I try to take it to put it outside, then give it to me and let me go and put it outside. Why can’t he just follow a simple plan?

This job is fairly urgent (naturally, or else I would still be putting it off) and I just really need to get it done. I also don’t need the extra emotional strain of having to talk about the portrait of my great grandfather that I just threw in the trash because it is damaged beyond repair. It’s painful enough having to go through all of this stuff, most of which is going to have to be trashed, which is mostly my fault.

Okay, I’m done ranting. Time to get of my butt and try to get back at it, before I lose the tiny little shred of motivation I still have left.

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[hullupoika]

Been there.  Done that.  Most recently, just yesterday afternoon.

Our community is in the midst of a large annual gala event that goes on for for five days.  The event attracts a lot of well known personalities, which brings in other well knowns, which helps many community groups, like one that I’m involved with, to raise a lot of money that results in even more matching funds from other organizations and individuals.  That money gets further multiplied, to where we can provide a lot of food, medicine, firewood, etc., to the elderly here in the heart of Appalachia.

The little group that I’m part of, raises several thousands of dollars that we use to help local residents with serious needs.

But we have some very serious detractors who do a fair amount of hard work, but they drive off many of our best volunteers through their arrogance, attitudes, and lack of patience.

I’ve learned that most of the time I can just shrug it off.  Sometimes it takes a few days.

Unfortunately, yesterday’s episode ended for me by taking a Xanax, and then a while later downing a half-pint of vodka.

And what good did that do for me?   I didn’t sleep well.  I wasn’t as productive as I should have been today.  I let my issues get in the way of a very worthwhile effort.

I just couldn’t get rid of it.  I didn’t sleep well, so I was over tired today.  Just too many voices telling my mind what I should have/have-not done.

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[lindsey3]

Blackdog, forgive me for smiling – you painted such a good picture of domestic frustration, I thought I was reading a paragraph from an Ann Tyler novel – my favourite novelist. But I do understand the amount of time that it took you to finally deal with this task – months and months of ‘today?’ – no – feel guilty and burdened, but still can’t do it…and so on. It’s exhausting. I’m sorry but I’ve got this picture of your husband’s innocent frown, and down crashed your motivation and plan – you capture this moment with great wit. I hope the day got better, and you had that great feeling of surprise and wellbeing when a task is actually done.

I have to sit back and admire my work when I finally clean the windows. Did it!

Hullupoika,  I get the feeling through your posts and how you share your story, that you are an intense person with great drive and very high expectations of yourself in all that you do, and always have been. You have shared that you have PTSD which I believe is always accompanied by high anxiety levels. I have an anxiety disorder in addition to ADHD, and still have hyperactivity, and understand the cracks and splits that appear when you want things to be ‘perfect’ – when you give 110% and somebody else’s behaviour or remarks undermine you.  You know all this, I just want to say – be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. Each point of conflict or disturbance in our recovery is something to think about, but not beat ourselves up about. Step away sometimes, and do the things that make you feel better about yourself. Ease the self pressure, because recovery takes a long time. Maybe you are internalising your recovery while still doing everything that you used to do? Something’s got to give if this is the case. Look after yourself.

x

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[Fochaosed]

Blackdog I am so there with you. It takes so darned much effort to get going “on a roll” and is so very easy for someone else to bring you to a screeching halt. I think we’re more sensitive to criticism too where others may just shrug it off quickly and move on. I have to keep reminding them how hard it is to get going with something, and you’d think they’d know by know how easily I can get sidetracked if they interrupt my flow … [sigh]…

My home office doesn’t have a door I can lock. I have a green cap I wear when I’m programming – that works very well as a visual reminder to them not to disturb me when I’m deeply entrenched.  I’m thinking maybe I will actually use the aprons that were my mom’s in the same way when I am working around the house and they are home.

Good for me DH and kids often have scouts or sports keeping them busy. Maybe you can assign something for him/them to do before you get started. Something that will keep them relatvely busy in another part of the house or away. I know hubby needs to work on his jeep this week-end, I have reminded him first thing, so it will be a good time for me to tackle our bedroom for example.

 

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[hullupoika]

Hullupoika,  I get the feeling through your posts and how you share your story, that you are an intense person with great drive and very high expectations of yourself in all that you do, and always have been. You have shared that you have PTSD which I believe is always accompanied by high anxiety levels. I have an anxiety disorder in addition to ADHD, and still have hyperactivity, and understand the cracks and splits that appear when you want things to be ‘perfect’ – when you give 110% and somebody else’s behaviour or remarks undermine you.  You know all this, I just want to say – be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. Each point of conflict or disturbance in our recovery is something to think about, but not beat ourselves up about. Step away sometimes, and do the things that make you feel better about yourself. Ease the self pressure, because recovery takes a long time. Maybe you are internalising your recovery while still doing everything that you used to do? Something’s got to give if this is the case. Look after yourself.

Lindsey — thank you so much for your insightful post.

I’m not sure I actually know what “high anxiety” is. For most of my 68 years, all of my closest friends and associates, plus many close blood-related relatives, would probably be considered “high anxiety.” I don’t really have a way to compare my issues to others, except maybe though my psychiatrist nurse practitioner, who is great for me because she has many of the same disorders that I have.

I’m fortunate to have an incredibly wonderful spouse of nearly 40 years. She tries to keep me grounded and often accompanies me to my psychiatric and psychological appointments. Until I had a pretty serious physical and metal meltdown, I just though I had higher aspirations than most other people.

Step away sometimes, and do the things that make you feel better about yourself.

I unfortunately do that way too frequently — I can only best describe it as “procrastination.” I can’t even begin to describe the last four hectic days. They did at least end with me taking some fish “culls” from a couple of my fish ponds, and turned them into wonderful fish cakes.

Time for a shower, meditation, and some sleep.

Regards,
Knute

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