Everything finally makes sense

[Anonymous]

Upon graduation from college, I took a job teaching in Japan. I was placed in a small city and set to work in four local elementary schools and one junior high.

The Elementaries ADORED me. I was always roaming the halls, playing with the kids… I carried the first graders around on my back and felt no shame in stalking the halls with the third graders, roaring like a veloceraptor. I taught fun classes where the kids could walk around the room like a maze to learn directions or draw their own silly fashions to learn clothing words. However, three days a week I was to sit at my desk at the junior high school. I wasn’t needed there except to come to the occasional class and pronounce words aloud… a human tape recorder if you will.

I got depressed. The other foreign teachers in the area didn’t want to be around me. I always was the active sort, spending twelve hours a day on campus and taking four foreign languages and fencing and volunteering and and and…. eight hours a day, three days a week sitting at a desk pretending to look busy was driving me crazy. Was I crazy? It didn’t seem to be doing it to anyone else. I felt compelled to start jumping on the desks at that school, screaming… or even jump out the window! I didn’t want to commit suicide, I just wanted to do something, anything. I left as soon as my contract was up.

I listened to my undergraduate advisor. I had honors, after all… and my research was always VERY creative. Why not go to graduate school? In linguistics, even! It was in grad school that I put the pieces together.

You see, I have had a little problem all my life, a little difference to me that we all share in some form. The doctor identified it as ADHD Combined type, but being that I am 26 I had structured my life from college on to cater to it and “ride the wave”. I did what I wanted to do, following my natural curiosity, and so I had very few bored moments… but in high school and before my grades were fairly decent, but not reflecting how “smart” everyone seemed to say I was. I never spent more than a few hours with any individual. I knew I talked too fast, too loud, and too much, and prolonged exposure to me would annoy people. I had tons of acquaintances but very few actual friends. Now I was in a laboratory and I began annoying those around me with my chatter and falling behind in my work.

I knew something had to be done when I was hired by a professor to process interviews for her. The work is long and tedious, and though I tried not to get involved with her project (knowing I would not be able to do it) I was still forced to participate. I ended up bumming Vyvanse off a friend, who takes it for her chronic fatigue. What I thought would make me hyper and productive mellowed me out enough so I could BE productive. I decided I needed to go legit and began contacting mental health professionals in order to get what the Dr. House Method of Diagnosis pegged me as.

It was hard to find someone to listen. I got the feeling that I wasn’t believed. Here I was, a 26 year old female in graduate school crying ADHD. I was told numerous times it was anxiety or depression. I finally found a doc who LISTENED to me. She started me on Concerta.

I’m currently taking 5mg daily and I have seen a vast improvement in my dance life (I do belly dance and Flamenco) as well as with my schoolwork. I am still very overwhelmed, but I’ll find my way through this. There is still a lot to be done, especially in the realm of social interaction. I need to learn how to be close with others, especially if I am to start attempting to enter a romantic relationship. One thing my diagnosis taught me is that you have to play to your strengths. I am going to finish my Masters degree, but I will not be going on to a doctorate. I’m going to start recognizing my strengths… my REAL strengths, not the ones others ascribe to me… and start living a life I can conceivably enjoy.

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