Father's Day

[Wgreen]

Tomorrow is Father’s Day in the U.S. So it seems appropriate to talk about the old man.

My father was devastated by ADD. Although he was never diagnosed—he died decades ago—he had all the symptoms: inability to keep a job, restlessness, compulsive lying and gambling. Alas, he had a great personality and sense of humor. He was a poster boy if ever there was one. My mother eventually divorced him.

In their new video, “ADD And Mastering It!”, Rick and Patrick talk about the imperative for ADDers to forgive themselves. Clearly, this is sound advice. But equally important is the imperative to forgive others in our lives, especially parents, who face(ed) the same challenges we do. Love is never easy, and it’s exponentially harder when you’re constantly dealing with demons.

As a child, I was always told how worthless my father was. As a child I believed it. And by some lights he was. But I see through the glass more clearly now. And I understand that beneath all the dysfunction, beneath all the failure, was a man who loved me very much, or as much as his “broken” heart would allow. That’s the man I’ll remember this Father’s Day.

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[Tiddler]

great post and a beautiful tribute.

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[Anonymous]

I agree with Tiddler.

Wgreen, So true – trying to deal with all the same issues but having so much seen as character flaws, which happens with us too, but now there are more, if still not enough enlightened people around us.

I think my dad had ADHD too which explains a lot. Tomorrow is time to focus on his many good qualities. Thanks for the reminder.

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[Robbo]

I just have one daughter, she just turned 24 in April. Almost 2 weeks ago I found out she’s moving to Washington, so I got to see her for probably the last time in a very long time sunday. The last 2 weeks I’ve gone very nuts. I was already struggling with adjusting to medication changes, struggling with major change in just about every part of my life. Then this, my kid moving very far away. Just like all parents. I guess I’m glad it’s just one.

I had hope that after finishing school my daughter would live at least an hour or two away, and we could get to know each-other again… I hoped anyway. Her school and my ADHD maddness, health struggles etc. have made any real quality time the last 6 years together impossible. I drove down to San Luis Obispo, about a 5 hour drive. We spent the day together. But most of the last two weeks I haven’t been able to sleep or eat much. So I’ve been a crashing wreck of limited success that dropped off like an olympic ski jump. I can’t even find the words. Haven’t even been able to cry. It’s a dam that’s just to huge to let loose. We all want to be super parents. But spend our lives beating the heck out of ourselves instead. I know I could have done much worse, my daughter is a kind hearted angel. It’s amazing how patient she is.

I just don’t know what to do with myself now. There’s plenty of things I have to show up for. I haven’t been lately though. I’m fighting off various health problems due to the lack of sleep at night, too much in the day, not eating. Just floundering. Reaching out in every direction, on the phone a lot. But not one freakin person in my life can understand what this is like for a man with ADHD like mine. Alone has never felt so dang alone.

Part of me is glad it’s over, I’m also a little glad my daughter is temporarily out of my life. At least I got to recommend her getting some therapy about having a dad with all the stock in trade ADHD failure like disappointments.

I’m exhausted. I fed up with re-inventing and re-discovering who I am in this crazy world.

I don’t like it.

I’ll be okay, I just can’t figure out how to write what I’m feeling. I’ll be doing better soon. Stormy weather helps us really enjoy the sunshine right? Sometimes I just have to accept the fact that most of life is not gonna make sense a lot of the time. Learning and growing is painful messy business. But we do grow. That’s a good thing.

6-18-12

PS I did manage to leak a few streams of dread down my face while reading this for one last edit. Strong manly tears. I’m standing up to whatever life throws at me and I’ve got a real God in my life I know is there. And I can be just like a small child in his presence. Weak, broken and needy. In this tiny little place of humility… humbled, I become stronger that I ever could imagine. Faith is magic.

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[kc5jck]

Robbo – your post strikes a chord with me. I was thirty four when my daughter was born. My wife was working and I had never been around babies growing up. I was left at home to care for my daughter from the time she was about six weeks old while my wife worked. I got up at night to feed her and was her primary parent for her first three years.

During this time, I was restoring an old Queen Anne house where we lived. My daughter grew up with tools instead of dolls. We were together constantly. I taught her to count and read before she turned five. Later, I taught her algebra and a myriad of other things as she grew up including driving an old VW beetle when she was probably twelve or thiirteen as well as how to take the thing apart and fix the brakes and carburator.

I never talked baby talk or down to her, but treated her as equal. Her academic endevors were such that one day out of the blue, she received a full tuition scholarship to a university two hours away, and at sixteen, was gone. Her 4.0 got her an appointment to the Air Force Academy and from there to undergraduate pilot training where she trained in the T6 and T38.

It was interesting to hear her talk of standing on the brakes of the T38 as the thing wound up to full power before going into afterburners for take off, of flying information at 400 knots with her wing tip three feet from the other aircraft, or of “cool school”, that is winter survival training in Fairbanks the first week of January when it’s 30 below, and of aerobatics in a fighter.

She turned 25 several months ago and is in Alaska flying C17s. We’ll get a picture occasionally of this tall slender blue eyed blonde in the Phillipines standing in front of the huge plane she now flies, or an Alaskan Glacier at 1000 feet, or the north end of Greenland, or of the President’s helicopter loaded into her plane for return to Washington.

Of course we miss her, just like you will miss your daughter. But with cell phones, we talk all the time, unless she is off on a mission. And then she has stories when she gets back. As I mentioned above, she’s interesting to talk to, and obviously not ADHD.

Well, I rattled on like an old man with ADD so better shut up.

Robbo, I sorta know how you feel. Take care.

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[Robbo]

Thanks, that was good to read. It’s silly for me to feel alone.

Most human beings are silly from time to time. That lonely stuff usually passes if I can just pry myself out of the apt.

Mostly..

6-19-12

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[Author]

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