Feeling Stupid

[catlover79]

I am a person with ADHD and co-morbid conditions including mild ASD whose social skills leave a lot to be desired for the most part.

One example of my poor social skills occurred back in 2008 when a former friend (who also has ADHD) suddenly stopped all communication with me, I KNOW I said or did something  wrong but I’m not quiet sure what it was and despite several attempts to find out what happened and resolve the issue this person complete ignores me and has never responded in any way or given me closure of any sort, I will add that I have only sent 5 emails over the 8 year period and there were several years between the first email and the last 4 which I had sent recently so it’s not as if I’ve been sitting there sending him weekly emails or anything like that.

I apologised for my part in the demise of our friendship and I explained a few things as it was necessary to do so.

Anyway I sent the 4th email and I might have been too blunt in some parts although I never resorted to abuse or personal attacks and like most ADDers I have high levels of intuition and I can sense that he’s angry with me over something….one does not go from being friends to all of a sudden stopping all communication without a plausible reason, I mean this guy was on my Linkedin connections list until I deleted my account recently….What’s that all about?! I don’t get it at all?!

I guess the end result of this is that I’m totally confused, I feel stupid, humiliated and hurt because I truly don’t understand…people are too complicated 🙁

Sel

 

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[kc5jck]

I suspect your story sounds really familiar to many on this site which explains why we avoid people and opt for friends of the four legged kind that don’t want small talk, don’t judge us, and don’t need an apology.

Mine accept me for who I am and think I’m God.

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[catlover79]

I have a cat and he is my best friend…I have two other good friends as well, one is a Chihuahua and the other is a Poodle mix…

Animals are far less complicated than people…by a long shot!

Sel

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[catlover79]

Upon much thinking I have decided to leave the door of communication open to this person if they ever want to get back in touch but for now I am going to focus on other more important things such as my work, my partner, my cat and my family.

With all the above I would still appreciate some insight from others as to what they think might have happened and if they’ve experienced something similar.

Sel

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[kc5jck]

@catlover79  Your posts reminded me of this:

http://totallyaddconnect.com/forums/topic/the-mysterious-rules-of-the-friendship-game/

(I hope it has some relevance.  I didn’t go back and   . . .  squirrel!  Gotta go!

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[catlover79]

Thanks!

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[blackdog]

After reading this I am thinking I need to get myself some friends. The four legged kind.

I know exactly how you feel. As kc pointed out, most of us do. But you have taken the first step and opened the door. It’s up to the other person now. If they don’t respond and aren’t willing to work things out, that’s their problem, not yours. So don’t feel bad about it.

Another possibility to consider is that the lack of response has nothing to do with you. It may be something else in this person’s life that is keeping them away.

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[dithl]

@cat: I am very close to swearing off using email to communicate anything to do with feelings/conflict etc. I’ve had a couple things blow up on me in the past few years, so I’m starting to conclude that in order to resolve any issues, better to pick up the dreaded phone. Too easy to for others to read unintended messages in written communication, especially when it’s anything emotional.
I also have left the door open for good friends who wrote me off. At times, I wanted to chase after them and explain myself and try to understand why they were so angry with me. But that doesn’t work. I didn’t “break up” with them, so to speak, so it would be up to them to decide to try to renew the friendship.
Before it happened to me, I could never understand how people could become estranged. And I find it very strange that I have had 3 people in my life now who have done that to me. To the point of being pointedly ignored when social situations have brought us into the same room. Strange because I am a quiet person, I guess people would describe me as gentle. It would make more sense if I was a fiery type who tended to speak things in anger that I regretted later.
I don’t regret saying the things I did that set off the estrangement. In all cases, I was trying to speak an uncomfortable truth with kindness but I guess it wasn’t something the others wanted to hear, so they chose to end the relationship dramatically. I can’t get inside their head to figure it out. And ya, it took time to let go of that need to find out WHY – but time has provided closure of sorts as my life has gone on and the gaps left in the wake of those relationships have softened and filled in somewhat.
Sad, and it still makes me irritated / angry at times, but that whole “free will” thing means they get to choose with whom they associate.
Don’t take it as a deficit in social skills on your part unless you hear specifically from them that it was. No need to add on conjectured shortcomings on top of whatever difficulties you know you have.
Hope this helps a smidgen. I know everyone’s experience is different.

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[dithl]

Oh yes. And dogs are so much easier. THEY apologize to YOU when you hurt them. “Oh, I’m so sorry you just stepped on my tail and hurt me. Are you okay? Are you sure? Here’s a slurp just in case.”

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[catlover79]

Blackdog: I totally support you if you decide to get a four legged friend as they are far less complicated than the two legged variety, I have also read your post on this thread as well as your own thread and all I can say is that you are better off without the person you’ve discussed in that thread and I know I wouldn’t have tolerated even a quarter of that shit!

 

Ditl:  Your post has helped me a fair bit so thanks for that!! You are also correct in all you’ve said, for now I’m no longer focusing on this person or the situation as I have study and work to worry about now lol

 

Sel

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[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

I have a question: if you do have a friend who has a pet, do they become a six-legged friend? Kind of like a group rate thing?

Hmm, clearly I’ve been on here too long.

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[justinwilliam87]

I’m thinking that if you were friends with the four legged pet as well then yes there could be a group rating. So what happens if you are friends with a couple that have a pet? Eight-legged friend? Do they then fall into an arachnid category? Geez, how many spiders am I friends with!!!!

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