first impressions of you

[Shadow Nexus]

Do people who you first meet, get an impression that is way off base. I mean not even close, no where near who you truly are. They label you as weird or scary. They quickly move away, online or in-person. However, your complex and can’t put into a box(labeled). You need to be “packaged” for employers.

One reason I get drained from being around people. Here, I can be myself and not stress on it. Thank you for this community!

First impressions are usually way off anyway and most people are shallow, but I digress.

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[munchkin]

I think the “first impression” is unconscious for people – a product of their upbringing and experience. Maybe they’ve never run into anyone like you, so they stick you into a funky box… It is actually possible to learn the basic boxes people use and fit yourself to the box that will be more likely to get you what you want – there’s something yicky about it, but if that’s what you have to do to put a roof over your head, that’s what you’ve got to do. I agree it’s exhausting!

I can tell you – I don’t have very good boundaries or impulse control. I make a spectacle out of myself without even realizing it, and tell strangers way too much personal stuff. Perhaps if I had a better natural sense of what are normal social expecations and how I’m coming off to others, there wouldn’t be this whole issue of judging who I am as a person. I could be shallow with the shallow people and deep with my “real” friends without even being conscious of it. No energy expended… How does an ADD’er improve in this area? interesting thought…

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[Anonymous]

sometimes we are wrong about what someone’s first impression of us is . for me, the first impression depends on the setting and the person. I range almost anything.. from hilarious to obnoxious. brilliant to an airhead.. sweet to snobby to uptight. any of these impressions are not necessarily wrong depending on perspective. (except snobby is an incorrect interpretation of my social anxiety).

I’m careful that i don’t create self-fulfilling prophecies. If I assume that someone is thinking badly about me, I may manifest some of that inner negativity.. which projects outwards and affects the other person’s reactions to me. i eventually tire of all the thinking about this and just act like whatever I’m feeling lol which actually results in me missing most social cues.. sometimes I make a point to observe my surroundings (usually only because I care about someone or necessity at work), other times, I just enjoy the moment and allow people to think whatever they want to think because I can’t control other peoples’ thoughts anyway!

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[Shadow Nexus]

munchkin>It is actually possible to learn the basic boxes people use and fit yourself to the box that will be more likely to get you what you want – there’s something yicky about it, but if that’s what you have to do to put a roof over your head, that’s what you’ve got to do. I agree it’s exhausting!

I tried that for 10 years then 7 years. (yes, that hyperfocus made me ignore reason.) DOESN’T WORK! I can’t be packaged for employers, period. I learn that lesson and will NOT make that mistake again. Anyone else who can’t get a “regular job”. Suck in your pride and apply for disability.

One reason people don’t succeed in entertainment they can be packaged. The people who can’t be packaged do succeed often since they think outside the box. Comedy is great. You speak your mind and get paid for it. There are skills, but you likely have them already. Speaking truths that “packaged” people would never utter. Your stuck on disability, what have you got to lose? Try entertainment.

munchkin>I make a spectacle out of myself without even realizing it, and tell strangers way too much personal stuff.

If you think I do those rants on impulse, think again. Those posts take up to 2hrs to enter(a topic for another day). I have lots of time to think about what I want to get across. Some topics in person, I won’t discuss. Most of the time, I tell things as they are, not what people want them to be.

I think were more fearless than most. It’s hardwired as adhd. I remember saying as teen, “I don’t play by the rules, I make the rules.” I think were hardwired to be leaders. We made to stand out in a crowd, not blend into it.

munchkin> I think the “first impression” is unconscious for people – a product of their upbringing and experience.

It’s both. If your parents were racists, a rich person who thinks – “It’s poor fault for being poor.”, and various other forms of being shallow and selfish, you’ll likely be the same unless see yourself as flawed and become a better person. Our hard-wiring(evolution-genetic coding) is geared to fear anything that is different(not of my tribe). In the distance past, they were competition or a threat to you. Simply put we act like apes and don’t realize it.

I was watching this teen kids show studying it(and sometimes enjoying it) to understand why it’s popular. I realized how very shallow, selfish, and lemmings the characters were. TV shows mirror society or what it should be(star trek). Usually, those teens grow up to be shallow, selfish, lemmings. Society feels the impact of these bad personalities.

sugargremlin>sometimes we are wrong about what someone’s first impression of us is . for me, the first impression depends on the setting and the person. I range almost anything.

That would describe me as well. “I am who i’m with.”, star trek – next gen episode about the female metamorph. Watch that episode. I see a lot of myself in her. When I mentioned, “That I have many faces. You never see them all.”, to someone online, I never heard from them since. Clearly, a “packaged” person who couldn’t handle my complex nature.

If weren’t for my volunteer work encounters with selfless people, I’d believe the human race was hopeless. We deserved to wiped out by asteroid hit or gamma ray burst. I go sometimes just to remind myself that there is hope for humanity, social evolution.

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[munchkin]

The greatest thing in the world would be to just naturally be marketable without having to change anything about who you are. I held out as long as I could – beleeeeve me! But, alas, starving, homeless and to unable to make it to gigs reliably anymore, I had to be dragged kicking and screaming by a fellow musician to the restaurant job for a meal and a paycheck. No diagnosis, no disability – just insults thrown my way, self esteem crushed, and total devastation. I didn’t believe I could be rehabilitated, but somehow I managed to make it to the lowest rung and find other survivors to huddle with. I tried to make my own rules, but unfortunately the physics of concrete, rainstorms and arrest warrants had another thing coming. Without the kindness of other people who had survived before me, I wouldn’t be here, or be the success I am today. (Other undiagnosed ADD’ers who found whatever bizarre ways to cope?) I think this website is an example of social evolution – I wouldn’t have gotten help for ADD any other way… Keep evolving Filmbuff

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[sdwa]

In social situations and at job interviews, I feel extremely self-conscious. I could interview well as a kid, when there was less to say, and I only had to memorize expected responses. Now I’m older and it’s harder to compete just for that reason. People tell me I don’t smile enough. Because I feel so anxious, I probably radiate nervous energy, which others find weird or off-putting. How weird I actually am, I’m not sure – I was constantly told I was weird and crazy in my family growing up. There’s a combination of emotional neediness and resentment that probably results in my coming across as more misanthropic than I actually am. I’ve realized I have many self-limiting beliefs – and I remember reading somewhere that it is not as big of a problem to be perceived as “weird” as it is to be perceived of as uncomfortable with who you are. If you’re weird but you like yourself anyway, and don’t feel you need to apologize for who you are, people can feel that. It’s something that can’t be faked, and would be, in my experience, exhausting to fake for more than two hours at a time.

I’m thinking the best way to be “packaged” is through clothing and hairstyle, because stereotypes work – look at how Hollywood dresses the type of character you want to play in your real life, and you won’t be far off from how you’ll be perceived and judged. It is, of course, complete nonsense, but I guess that’s why there are image consultants. Maybe if you package yourself with the appropriate visual code, you can maintain your personality without worrying about it.

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[Shadow Nexus]

munchkin>The greatest thing in the world would be to just naturally be marketable without having to change anything about who you are. I held out as long as I could – beleeeeve me! But, alas, starving, homeless and to unable to make it to gigs reliably anymore, I had to be dragged kicking and screaming by a fellow musician to the restaurant job for a meal and a paycheck. No diagnosis, no disability – just insults thrown my way, self esteem crushed, and total devastation.

sdwa>I’m thinking the best way to be “packaged” is through clothing and hairstyle, because stereotypes work – look at how Hollywood dresses the type of character you want to play in your real life, and you won’t be far off from how you’ll be perceived and judged. It is, of course, complete nonsense, but I guess that’s why there are image consultants. Maybe if you package yourself with the appropriate visual code, you can maintain your personality without worrying about it.

You can be packaged and put into box. Good for you. However, this the lesson and evidence staring me in the face my whole life. I paid a heavy price for denying who I am. I’v gained wisdom and moved on.

I did ten years plus seven years of trying to package myself for employers. I have box of 15 years of resume and job interviewing info. I picked up even more knowledge through experience. When I say, “I KNOW EVERYTHING(about it).” This not statement of ego or thinking I know more than do. I really do know everything about it. Seriously, I could teach a university semester class on it. So, i’v heard it all before many times over. You can’t help in that way. “Life is what happens when you make plans.” Life has other plans for me.

There is a big difference between knowledge and wisdom. Wisdom has taught me not to deny what I am. Making that leap into the dark, the journey into entrepreneurship. Now, it’s a matter of walking into that entrepreneurship office and doing that audition.

Scared crazy of either, hell ya. It will be like preparing for test in college. You get to point where you know your ready. You take the leap into the dark and wait for the results. I’m ready and walking through those doors. “When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.”

There is a big difference between knowledge and wisdom

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[munchkin]

I guess how much energy you put into making a certain type of “first impression” is all about what you are hoping to achieve with that. You have to do that math for yourself as an individual. I think sometimes, when trying to package yourself too much, the downside is that you obscure who you really are, which prevents you from attracting the opportunities that would actually fit for you and truly make you happy. You sure are right about wisdom! Knowledge is simply information, it’s wisdom that allows you to apply that knowledge to get a result. It’s wisdom that allows you to figure out what result would truly make a difference for your happiness and well being. Trying to fit myself to a particular job is something I’ve done out of desperation, not by choice, and sooner or later the facade always wears away, and it’s time to move on to a new game… exhausting really… To be an entrepreneur, if you have it in you, now that’s putting creativity and vision to great use!!!

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[Anonymous]

really love all that i read. i listened to the program on cbc on sept first when i was at work. i was cleaning a house and i swept the floor so i could listen to the program instead of using the central vac which would have drowned out the radio program and have been too noisy. I have researched the topic to death as i had a child with add and torettes and a daughter with add and then the pediatritian set a book in front of me at one apt about twenty years ago add with adults. so i found out like red green through my son that i had add. I loved the part in the program on cbc that a person with add didn’t even recognize that there was a box. never mind trying to get inside of that box. i really enjoy the idea of being comfortable with who i am with add it is a difficult thing to have without a few close friends that support and let me be who i am. i get that for first impressions i need to with hold who i really am til they are able to get the real me and enjoy the spontenaity and fun and things that i can bring to a friendship relationship like a zanny sense of humour and a spontenaity that isn’t in someone without he add component.

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