From here to there and back again!

[Anonymous]

I’ve been watching a few threads, and have had simlar feelings of frustrations and denial. I’m going to start a new thread because I feel like I would be hijacking someone else’s issues by talking about myself on their posts.

Please pardon the fact that I’m a huge geek, but I often feel like Bilbo Baggins (The Hobbit). I suddenly find myself on this journey for which I didn’t plan, have no idea where I’m going, or if and when I’ll get back. Along the way I’m being forced to look at myself and question who and what am I. All this, while in the company of wonderous strangers (Now looking for 12 people to fill the Drawf roles, Rick gets Gandalf !).

I’m currently waiting on confirmation of my ADD, but given that I’ve been dealing with my youngest son’s ADD and LD I’m pretty sure that it is a forgone conclusion. When I look at my son, I see me at his age. While my father was/has been absent from my life, I grew up with stories of how he couldn’t stay in one job (other than driving), would start things and never finish (my personal fav is the car he took apart to “fix” that was later towed away with the engine in shoe boxes in the back seat), and forgeting things (the last time I ever saw him it completely slipped his mind that it was my 3rd birthday). I’m pretty sure he has it too.

Heres the thing, I’ve gotten good at knowing the signs of ADD. There are times when I wonder have I just convinced myself and others that I have this to cover up the fact that I’m lazy or disorganised or not trustworthy and so on. If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with B.S. I really fear that I’m a fraud. I think, “gee, you’re really not that bad” or “you haven’t burnt anything down”. Then I get home and find that I’ve forgotten to pay the phone bill again, because “it slipped my mind” even though it was on my to do list for the past 2 weeks. This is how my life goes, one cycle after another. Never getting to total failure, but never getting better either. Sometimes I wonder, am I a dog chasing it’s tail or a tail chasing a dog. It’s hard to tell from here.

Add to this that I sometimes feel guilt that I’ve given this to my son(s) or anger of why didn’t anybody see it in me when I was younger. Thankfully these moments are few and far between. I guess the point of a journey is discovery. Over the last few months I’ve learned how to look at myself from other peoples eyes. To all my family and friends that have stuck by me,thank you! It’s my hope that these doubts will leave someday and that I’ll be able to accept who I am. That I can get from here to there and back again.

In the mean time I’ve got lots to keep me busy. I kinda zoned out when the Drawfs were talking about their treasure, did they say something about killing a dragon or filling the wagon? Then there’s this guy who lost a ring, thats following me around (bet he has ADD too!) and I can’t remember if I turned off the tap in the sink and locked the front door when we left.

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