Frustrated…

[Anonymous]

So…

I knew as a kid that I was ADD, I was on Ritalin for years. Never really thought of it much except for low attention span, or usually being bored/distracted in class, and generally not ‘sticking” with anything.

I’ve kind known for years that “I’m different”. I’ve been trying to figure it out my whole life… of course.. that would be halfheartedly trying to figure it out.. in between long bouts of distraction.. .

Anyway.. here I am.. 32.. I always figured my lack of career was due to not getting a break, and some laziness at not pursuing anything because I didn’t know what I wanted to pursue. When I decide I want to complete a short project, I get things done.. but if something comes up in between.. it might take me a year or so to get back at it. (Books.. art projects mostly).

Anyway.. so now.. I’m on the verge of looking into more about “what’s wrong with me”, and what I can work on. With the test on the main page, I remember I aligned with highly distractable, able to focus on certain things, good with words/language.

Lately, more and more.. I’ve been feeling exceptionally dumb. Aka. I wonder.. am I really some sort of idiot savant.. and everyone’s too kind to come out and say so? I’m not sure I’ve ever really questioned my intelligence before.. but lately.. I just feel like such an idiot.. in part because I can’t figure out most basic socializing… and I can’t get what I think of as a decent job/wage/career.

I do have a few close friends that I see here and there.. and I’m grateful for them. But .. 3 weeks can go by without me seeing these people. I prefer small groups to one on one, but oddly, I rarely know enough people in a group setting, it’s more of a one on one thing.. and then conversation always ends up getting too deep/spiritual/purpose related, and .. usually negative….

With the eating.. I just read a few other comments on here about lack of .. ability to control eating habits. That is very much me! I’m not sure what my BMI is.. but I’m at least 80lbs over weight. It’s frightening. I always assumed this was more of a deep seated psychological issue… which I’m finally really trying to address.. listening to Kelly Howells weight loss hypnosis every day.. but I never thought of this in connection with ADD. I know I’m impulsive. And when I want something food related, or not wanting to spend a second more preparing food than I have too… I just.. eat whatever. Regulating/discipline barely comes into my mind. I’m on the verge of having serious health problems.. I guess I already do.. angina.. ect.. and still.. there’s almost a power play.. with control.. no one gets to tell me I can’t have that sweet thing.. I’m having it!! I’m also embarrassingly messy/slobby. I live in a tiny apartment.. no linen closet.. no garage… and yet I have all the “stuff” I think most people have. Still.. are others out there ridiculously messy? Is this an ADD/Discipline thing? Or more a personal trait? I live alone.. so there’s no one to answer to… u

Also with the emotional control.. another thing I never thought about in conjunction with ADD. I always assumed I have crazy hormones, and that I have a emotional cycle.

I don’t even know when I’m going with this post. I’m just.. frustrated. I want it to just stop. All the craziness.. the fact that I seem unable to put a life together. I don’t know where I stand. I feel like I”ve been groping for answers and solutions in the dark for 30 years. I’m tired. I don’t even know if ADD is the “answer” to my questions, I thought I had some odd high end aspergers syndrome.. I just feel flawed.. socially… personally..

Has anyone else been here? What helped? Someone once mentioned an idea of theirs.. the three “grounding M’s”.. Munchkins, Mortgages and Marriage… the three things that keep you invested in your life. I have none. I’ve had a 30G a year job for the last 10 years. I guess I’m happy that I’ve been able to hold down most of my very boring, VERY repetitive, low pressure jobs these last few decades.. but.. does it get any better?? It has to get better…

I guess that’s enough blabbering for now.

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[Anonymous]

FYI. I was 3 months premature. I’m not sure if all of the craziness in my heald is a partial result.. of if it’s split half and half..

Are there any other mature premmies on here?

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[Anonymous]

I am in a very similar situation to you, I find there will be times when i do something adhd-ish, and as soon as i realise i forgot to do something or didn’t read something i am like ‘duh’ but can see sometimes it will be read by others as me being a little bit slow on the uptake.

I know i am not ‘thick’ – well according to iq tests and so on, and my own experiences usually find me understanding logical concepts far quicker than others (of course maybe that is just a distorted perception of my ability caused by adhd

Anyway I often have moments where I do an adhd thing such as not properly read what i need to do, or where i simply misunderstand what I am being asked to do, and as soon as i realise it I know why – add – and can usually also see straight away what I should have done and why. But my work mate or any other person involved will (quite logically from their point of view) assume i didn’t understand a basic concept.

Why? Because there was a part of the instructions which i managed to look at with my eyes but at the same time not read or even realise was there, and therefore ignored altogether. And that piece of the instructions i looked at but didn’t see, is a part that no normal (non adhd) person would miss (probably cos it is right underneath the part of the instructions before it lol). To the non adhd person the piece of the instructions I just didn’t see, is so obvious that it never occurs to them that I didn’t read those instructions.

Meaning the only sensible assumption for the non adhd person when confronted with me, is that i must have read the instructions but didn’t understand them. And therefore I need to have my hand held and the concept explained to me again (but more slowly, using words with less syllables, and with frequent pauses to ensure i am keeping up, lol). And if the non adhd person in your particular situation is a less polite one than the one in my recent adhd lapses – then they may well have been pretty tactless and outright about their opinion that you are stupid.

I dont know if i have managed to explain this very well – (hey i have adhd, i probably haven’t – in fact i have probably explained something totally and vastly different! lol)

but what i mean is that I often find that i will start a task and think i know what i need to do, and later find out i didnt read or listen properly and missed doing some basic simple thing which caused my attempt at that task to go fundamentally wrong.

And that the thing i missed – was something that normal people don’t tend to miss. so any witness to my getting it totally and utterly wrong, such as a work mate, etc., – all they see is instructions on paper or that they gave which are very basic and simple and obvious. They can’t conceive of the possibility of you reading the front page of the instructions and not turning it over (or whatever). So they come to the conclusion you read all the instructions or heard all the instructions and info they told you, and when it went wrong it was because you were a little bit thick and some simple instruction like ‘dry it thoroughly ‘was too difficult for you (when in reality you had only read page one which finished at ‘saturate and place to the side’

Adhd is a life full of misunderstanding people, and being misunderstood. Let’s face it – if people don’t get anything else you say or do, why would they be likely to perceive your IQ correctly? From reading your post its clear by the language you use that you are not stupid. I bet if you take a closer look next time you get the feeling someone thinks you are stupid, you will find that it is actually just a lack of understanding on their part of any concepts you are trying to describe to them, or some stupid adhd thing you did as a result of not reading or hearing something completely – that they interpret as stupidity as they can’t imagine you didn’t read or hear those vital instructions – so you must have not been clever enough to understand them.

I work in a job where my intellect is vital and tested all the time and I had to pass a stringent test to get the job, yet despite my managers and colleagues knowing that – I often find myself in a situation where they are explaining some simple concept to me, and I am repeatedly assuring them that I get it (often something so basic that a half wit with a lobotomy could grasp its, most intimate complexities straight away), and I can see they aren’t convinced, and will keep repeating the same super simple concept to be several more times. And its usually because I did some typical adhd thing without thinking, and they understood that to mean I was not coping with what I was doing/learning. I haven’t yet found a good way to deal with this situation.

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[allan wallace]

What’s a mature premmie? Being regarded as the village idiot seems to be something of a recurring theme 😆 I have never had an important job as my glittering career reads as a testament for somebody with a head full of mashed potatoes…I don’t even have a job at the moment. I get a few days here and there through a labour hire company doing things that monkeys with down syndrome could do just as well as I could…gah, jobs are boring and shithouse anyway… 😯

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[Anonymous]

Kydilee

I just registered at this site today. It was nice to see someone talk about the same things that I’ve felt and thought.I actually have to laugh a little when I read your comment about aspergers. At one time a friend told me they wondered if I was touched by the aspergers brush.

Any way I related with most of what you had to say. Thanks

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[Carrie]

Yes, yes, and YES!

Exactly! My life to a “T’! Emotions suck. PMS is HORRIBLE! Thank goodness for anti-depressants. I would start off very hyper and happy, in an instant then “rage” throw stuff and become verbally abusive. Right after that I would realize what I had done, feel like a horrible person, get extremely depressed. Then the suicidal thoughts would enter. My husband would make me feel better… I would become hyper and the cycle would start all over again! Prozac saved my families sanity and me! On a normal non-pms day… I usually have a lot of energy in the morning and it tapers off around 2pm. With out meds im all over the place. My emotions come up quick. I could be really angry about something and then minutes later forget why im angry and carry on like nothing happened. Ive tried to stay angry at my husband before… forgot why I was.. asked him if he knew why then I said “Right!” he won’t tell me anymore if I ask hahahaha Also sucks when you forget why your kids are grounded. Luckily when I ask “Do you know why your grounded?” I can make it sound like they need to reflect on what they did hahahaha

I tend to either eat waaaaaaaay too much or forget to eat which makes me very very very VERY cranky… then my poor husband will bring me a plate of food and run. Once ive finished the food I can then think again and am a calm normal person. I too was about 80lbs over weight. I manage to lose 35lbs and keep it off. Still trying to get the last 50lbs off thought I carry my weight very well. Turns out I have a hypothyroid so medication should help me out too I hope! At least bring me back to a normal state in which losing weight wont be as nearly impossible as just with ADD alone hahahahaha

I have no friends. I find doing small talk impossible and pointless. My friends are family and co-workers – who I never see outside of work. Ive never gotten along with other girls. Making friends now like with other moms… ive tried but im just not into the “in” things and the “I should be doing it like this or like that” feels fake. If I could find a REAL gal to hang out with great! I also don’t like the commitment that is involved. Keeping in touch, Christmas cards, birthdays, blah blah blah. I don’t even like to do what most people do. I don’t watch TV so how can I keep up with the latest sitcom? I play video games most moms don’t. Most WOMEN dont. I HATE shopping. I don’t like going out for coffee. I don’t like going out to bars to drink. I rather just drink (like I am now) and watch my fish, browse the internet (which is super boring these days), play video games, sleep… I guess thats about all I do really.

I also hate the fact that all the other moms are into decorating and (well at least look like) great moms. I am terrible with decorating. I HATE IT (im talking about easter and xmas etc.). I have a horrible time trying to organize myself (like the rest of us ADDErs) nevermind my kids. Homework is HORRIBLE. I try my best to help my kids with it. I often forget to sign permission forms and then my kids miss a neat field trip. Recently I forgot to sign and hand one in to go read with my daughter who is struggling in a new school with no friends and then heres her absent minded mom who forgets everything and is terrified to enter the school ground because there is so much going on at once and I fear small talk. I went… It was very hard… But luckliy they let me join even though I asked the day of when I was suppose to hand in the form a month ago. I can’t organize the house and the laundry for the life of me. My kids go to school almost every day with mismatched socks. I tried to buy all the same ones but who knows where they went! Anyways… im just rambling. Being a mom with ADHD SUCKS! Being a wife with it also sucks! Feeling inadequate because “all the other wives” keep a tidy house and at least keep up with the laundry. Yes I know… not all… But thats what a wife should do! Yes a husband should help… but it still makes me feel like crap!

And now for work. I COMPLETELY understand you Whereisit! Before medication I CONSTANTLY had to ask the same question over and over and then repeat myself while doing the task so I wouldnt forget. I can never understand simple concepts. People think im quite “duh”. Yet with complicated things and emergency Im way up there! I always misunderstand what people say which makes me feel like such an idiot. A doctor today was asking about a patient… how he mobilized. I thought he was asking how he was overall with activities of daily living (ie hygiene, toileting etc) So I said “Well hes independent” then the doctor saw I understood wrong and said “Yes… how does he walk?” I still didnt get it and said “Well he goes for a walk with physio every day” then the doctor said “Yes…. but can he walk on his own or does he need help?” Ahhhhhh then I got it! I felt like such an idiot. That happens to me ALL the time. I completely miss the point! I also take things WAY to literal. When getting report from another nurse on a patient she said “the patient requires supervision” I then said “Whats supervision”? She said “When they are doing care… you stand by…” I then clued in.. I thought she meant it was this new type of vision… Super vision! All the other nurses chuckled and looked at each other. Sadly that wasn’t a one time occurrence. I understand things literally too much. It only makes me feel bad about myself when others roll their eyes and shake their heads. One other fall back is paper work. Having to keep up with emails and new doctors orders and follow ups and blah blah blah! It takes me way more time than most. I can’t read and follow directions for the life of me. I normally have to ask someone even after reading and they have to explain over and over. I usually get caught up on the WRONG details.

Anyways… Im rambling again. Very sorry! I can understand your frustration. Im still finding it hard to swallow the fact that im “different” and no I can’t organize myself and keeping the house clean is WAAAAAAAAAAY more difficult for ADDers than normal people. I don’t “feel” different. I don’t tell anyone about the ADD in fear of them saying “Yeah we ALL have it” or them thinking im just using it as an excuse. Most people don’t agree with medication and I don’t even want to go there. They have no idea. They cant understand. Like most of us, we all feel like we are on the outside looking in.

Why dont we all just get together here on the outside and throw a party? Have the ones on the inside looking out at us hahahahahaha

Oh and what helped for me… Well I do have an ADD coach… Shes helped a bit. Medication has really helped. This website has really helped in talking with other people. Learning about ADD has really helped. Im hoping to attend and ADD support group here to see if that helps because it really gets discouraging when your on your own…

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[allan wallace]

Wowee, that was a long ‘un! Carrie, we’re oddballs, no doubting that, eh? 😯 As you say, always on the outside looking in… For me the most difficult thing to accept was the realisation that I knew that I could never just be like other people, even if I had the inclination to try and be like them. It’s still weird even coming to terms with the possibility that there are other people who gaze upon the craziness of normality through the same lens as what I do….do any of you ever think that ADHD is just like a label for a peculiar species of misfit that just doesn’t qualify for one of the more ‘acceptable’ psychiatric ‘disorders’? A defective worker ant type of thing… 😆

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[Anonymous]

This is really strange, I’ve never heard other people say they feel these things too. I’ve always felt or thought them myself, but figured if I said them people would think I was making excuses.I’ve mentioned parts of it to others but I get that, oh yea I forget things too, and I think you don’t understand! It’s like living in a G*& D@^#& twighlight zone at times. I put something down ,turn around and it’s freaking gone!

I can’t remember their names, or phone numbers,I’ll think of something grocery shopping and by the time I get to the end of the isle I can’t remember what I was going for.

When I was a kid back in the 60’s my parents and teachers would get so angry at me.They knew I wasn’t dumb but I couldn’t get hardly anything above a D for grades.I was always told I was lazy and making excuses. I figured they were right and I didn’t deserve any better.

I can’t tell you how nice it is to read your post’s and realize I’m not losing it.

By the way I don’t think we could get organized enough to throw a party.

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[Carrie]

I think your right Czecher. We wouldn’t be able to organize it. That just makes it better! Everyone just TRY to show up on the right day…. or why don’t we party for the whole month? We are bound to make it there sooner or later! It will be totally random and should keep our attention that way right? hahahaha

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