got my diagnosis the other day

[g.laiya]

i came to this site after happening upon the add&loving it? program while channel surfing. thankfully it wasn’t a commercial break as i was surfing, because otherwise i would have continued on. it caught my attention, and i watched the remaining show…made me think “hmmmm… i really have to look into this further”….and that’s how i found this site. and, wow! was i amazed! after reading many, many posts i was about 99% sure that i was add inattentive type. that was back in march.

i had concerns about going for a dx. for one, i thought “what if it turns out i’m not add”? then i’ll be left with crazy and lazy? or worse?

and also was concerned about going to my pcp for a referral. you see, i had been talking with him off and on since october or so about coming in to work with him in his office, and was really afraid that if i told him i thought i had add it could be a deal breaker. i was trying to think of various ways of getting around him knowing, but because money is a real issue, i couldn’t justify paying thousands of dollars out for just a dx, and then a lot more for meds if i did need to go that route…and we are putting out quite a bit monthly for insurance coverage…just didn’t make sense. i did speak with a rep of the medical group to see if i can self-refer to seek a psych dx, but was told no, had to be referrred by my pcp.

so i finally bit the bullet and went to my pcp……… and he told me i didn’t need a referral from him i just needed to contact the insurance company directly! oy!!!!

anyway…not the end of the world for him to know…..and we realized it wouldn’t be a good fit for me there at this time due to unrelated issues….

well, called the psychs that were closest to me from the list i was provided, and made appointment with the first one i spoke with. i’m usually one to investigate more/seek referrals from friends or other professionals, and i was taking a chance the way i did it…but it was fine. the first day he did say that it appeared add was probably a factor but wanted to do more assessment before giving a dx, and noted there were multiple factors that needed to be addressed. before the 2nd eval though i decided to make some written notes to take with me – i felt it would help me to organize myself, and make sure i touched on many of the things i experience/deal with that i think are related to add and even a few odd things that might be helpful for him to know, even though probably not related.

when i was about 3/4 through my list, he asked me “how old are you again?” and i replied i’ll be 48 tomorrow…and then he said “and this is the first time you’ve considered this?!” in clear disbelief. i explained that in my mind, having add/hd meant you could NEVER focus, and the hyperactive part meant you were bouncing off the walls all the time. which simply didn’t fit me.soooo, he said that he would say i have moderate to severe adhd, but he feels sure that i will respond well to medication and therapy, as well as addressing other issues such as being very overweight and sleep issues – that there are many things at play that are interconnected.

he gave me the name and number of a psychiatrist he says is very good and experienced with adult adhd, and is not too far away. unfortunately found out today she doesn’t work with the group that my insurance does anymore. so will have to call him tomorrrow and see if he knows of any of the psychiatrists on the list i have from the insurance co.

but, you know, it’s strange how i’m feeling now. like i mentioned earlier in the post, i already was pretty certain of this dx. i even went through various emotions when i first realized the likelihood. i was angry – really angry that despite the fact that my own mother was an elementary schoool teacher, that i’d seen a number of psychs over the years, that i,myself, had been exposed , at least superficially, to the subject of adhd in college classes, friends who are social workers, former bosses who are adhd,… nobody – not even me- really investigated this further, even though now it seems soooo clear .sadness about all these years of struggle and heartache and dysfunction, that life just shouldn’t have been this hard, you know? i know you do…….because i also have had this sense of relief that after all these years i finally found people who get it, who understand my quirks and struggles. so it’s strange to me that after all this, now that i have an official dx, it feels sort of surreal. i don’t know…anybody else feel/felt that?

anyhow, i want to take a moment to thank the people who created and maintain this site, as well as all the wonderful members here for being here, for sharing experience and support. i am so very grateful to you.

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[Scattybird]

g.laiya – great news you’re moving forward and have a diagnosis.

What you’re feeling is completely normal – anger, disbelief, doubt, anger again, relief – all quite usual.

One of the problems is that if you’re 48, then when you were a child, there was probably little understanding of AD/HD and if you developed coping mechanisms then you will (like so many of us around your age) have slipped through the net.

As Robbo said in a different post recently – look forward now…not back.

I always knew I was ‘odd’ and even my Mum told me I was, but eccentricity was accepted as OK in my childhood home so nobody thought anything about it really. Looking back we did everything differently – the whole family!

Only recently when one of my students (who is ADHD) told me I clearly was ADHD after he’d sat through an afternoon of me teaching him that I noticed a few similarities between us – found this web site – and got diagnosed.

I self-referred and paid privately and then got into trouble with my GP – but she said she’d never referred anyone with adult AD/HD and didn’t know anything about it. She finally admitted I’d done the right thing because she didn’t have a clue what to do! I like her honesty at least!

Good luck – I hope you get some meds sorted. They may help with your sleep issues too.

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[kc5jck]

After reading “Delivered from Distration” because of my son’s diagnosis, I realized I was most likely ADHD to and was somewhat amused. I agreed with Hallowell that there may be advantages and ADHD does not mean you can’t be successful.

Even so, getting a diagnosis evoked feelings which I did not think I would have, even though the literature says to expect and are normal. After reading more, and being on this site for several months, I can see how ADHD has been an adverse effect in all areas of my life, and has been an impediment to what success I have enjoyed. Like everyone else, I feel cheated out of years of my life.

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[g.laiya]

you are right scatty to look forward, not back(as robbo said).

i have spent too much of my life thinking about past, as in “if only i’d known/done….blah blah blah…..if i could go back in a time machine and talk to/advise myself……

not productive…..

when i was turning 40, and had just given birth to my first child, people were joking that i epitomized the saying “life begins at forty”.

having just turned 48, and just diagnosed with adhd, i’m looking at my life now as doing the prerequisite work required for the course of study “life begins at 50”.

so while feeling “cheated out of years of my life” is still lurking unde the surface still, really trying to stay in the mindset of feeling hopeful about my future, and working to improve my present.

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[Scattybird]

g.laiya – I guess that feeling of ‘if only’ will probably always lurk – it does for me sometimes if I don’t keep it in check. But on saying that I have decided to be content with where I am and part of that is appreciating the moment and in particular, not comparing myself with my peers at work.

But I reckon if I spend too much energy/time dwelling on the lost past, I will waste what time I have now. So although I feel I have missed opportunities throughout my life because of undiagnosed ADHD, I will only have myself to blame if in 10 years time I look back over my 50s (current decade) and feel the same (now that I have a diagnosis, albeit a late one like you)..

We need to move onwards positively.

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[trashman]

Well said Scattybird, If I can be honest it is hard to move on into the future the more you do, the more self aware you will become. at this point you can learn to see the real you and all the wonderful attributes you have. then you can move into the future in control. even maybe giving yourself a change to look back on life so far and smile, seeing that not all of the past was bad. finding some of the memory’s of the past are precious and great to see in the context of how great you really are and have always been!!!

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[Scattybird]

Hi trashman – thanks. It is difficult sometimes not to look back – but you’re right if we do, we should pick out the funny aspects and smile. My mother and I had great fun sometimes when I was growing up despite some family angst – looking back on it, all the fun stuff was probably related to ADD but we didn’t know that at the time. We used to wonder why silly stuff always happened to us.

I find it very hard to look to the future though – people often suggest visualising something good, but I can’t do that. So if I can be happy in the moment that’s good enough for now.

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